this should have been the first post

March 31, 2006 at 12:22 pm | Posted in brian, fespn | Leave a comment

everytime i browse sports magazines, i find myself throwing-up a little in my mouth. sports illustrated, espn the magazine, and the rest are insulting to (non)sports fans. they always look slick with “hip” graphics and photos of athletes looking ever so pensive. they’re always lance armstrong this and peyton manning that. who cares!?! and they’re so full off (shitty) advertisements, i don’t see how anyone can read through them.

with that in mind, we’re starting our own sports blog. your (and my) days of vomitting with disgust while reading sports zines will be over.

(actually the original idea was to start a sports-zine, but this seems easier because i’m lazy and i don’t know how to photocopy and i get anxiety when i think about passing out the zine in front of jazz games. this blog has a couple draw backs–no mixed mediums, no annotating each others stories, no handmade drawings [unless we find a way to scan those, aaron]–but i figure we can make up for that by the shear number of stories we post. that and this blog will be a little more up to date [except for the super bowl story i already posted].)

it’s hard to give a brief overview of what this blog will be like with only two (sub-par) posts. but as i look into my crystal-ball, this blog is going to be great. dare i say, this blog is the new awesome.

here’s a couple of themes we hope to explore throughout our posts: espn is ruining sports, we always side with the players unions, drug suspensions are a joke when player are routinely abuse their wives/girlfriends, sports hair-cuts matter, and other themes will articulate at a future date.

no one thought we could do this, but we (are) prov(ing)ed them wrong.

i watched the entire super bowl and all i got was this lousy t-shirt

March 31, 2006 at 12:17 pm | Posted in brian, football (american) | Leave a comment

the super bowl is a joke. i should unpack this last sentence. i am not joining in with idiot sports radio talk show host (so i have an unhealthy addiction to am radio) who are crying their eyes out due to the lack of exciting teams and/or stars in this years superbowl; i am not questioning the legitimacy of the steelers championship. when i said the super is a joke, i meant the institution of the super bowl is a joke.

i’ll start in the middle (a very good place to start). when i say middle, i actually mean the halftime show, which isn’t technically the middle since there were like 16 hours of pre-game programming.

what was up with the rolling stones set list? start me up? some song i’ve never heard before? satisfaction? all stupid songs. you’re already mega-stars (or maybe ultra-stars), why do you waste your super bowl performance playing that set list? i think start me up is a song that endorses date rape–blaming the female for the unwanted actions of the male. when mic sings, “if you start me up, i’ll never stop,” i assume he doesn’t literally mean never, but until he’s sexually satisfied regardless of what his companion wants. so the song is really saying, “her lips said no, but her body said yes.” even if you’re mic jagger, no still means no. i used to think satisfaction was on ok song, then i heard devo’s cover of it. however, the stones’ performance did provide some unintentional irony. it turns out that when mic sings about some old man on the tv, he’s actually talking about himself.

here’s my short list of alternative songs that could have made this halftime the best halftime ever:

paint it black

missin’ you (gavin knows what i’m talking about)

let’s spend the night together

gimme shelter (this song could have been about how detriot is hosting the super bowl–showcasing an idealized version of the motorcity [did you see how all the cutaways had the team names written in a kind of 50’s-car font?]–while the city boasts the highest rate of unemployment in the country, or it could have been about how the city of detriot rouned up all the homeless for a super bowl party so people visiting the city wouldn’t be asked if they have any cigarettes–the homeless are back on the streets again)

mother’s little helper (this song could be about steriods)

beast of burden (mic could have dedicated this song to the linemen)

under my thumb (this song could have been about how no black coaches were offered head coaching jobs this offseason)

as the nfl has become less about football and more about advertising, the super bowl has become less of a football game and more of an extended commercial. you know the old saying, “i watch the super bowl for the commercials.” well, this year’s commercials were terrible. i saw better commercials watching the us open (again, gavin knows what i’m talking about). last year, i fell in love with two super bowl commercials: the one where these three guys are having a dance pary in their office (listening to push it) and those commercials were that guy works with chimps. this year, they revised the chimp commercials but with unfunny results. rehashing old commercials seems to be a staple of super bowl commercials. this, i think, speaks to the institutionalized format of the super bowl: why come up whith anything new and interesting when you can repeat what’s worked in the past.

and what was with budweiser? i threw-up a little in my mouth when i saw the commercial of the lamb streaking through the horse football game, but then threw-up all over myself when the commercial of the baby horse pulling the coach with unknown help from its parents came on. that commercial reminded me of that footprints poem which reminded me of this part of wondershozen. they showed footprints on the beach and this kid said something like “when there was only one set of footprints, jesus was carrying me. at least i think it was jesus. he had a beard.” (i think you saw this one lauren.)

i also learned that desperate housewives isn’t only a show for girls; if shaq, sugar ray, and tony hawk watch, i probably should too.

finally, i’m going to pitch these ideas to burger king:

the king volunteers at a community writing center. someone comes in with a draft for a short story she’s thinking of submitting for publication. she goes up to the king and says, “i need another set of eyes to read over this for me. i’m submitting it to the new yorker.” the king says, “i’ll look over it. why don’t you try this new whopper while i read this?”

the king comes out of this hotel and hands the valet parker his ticket. when the valet comes back with his car, he tips him with an order of chicken fries (or whatever those things are).

the king gets a job as an advice columnist for some newspaper. his advice always incorporates whatever is new at burger king.

pipe dreams

March 31, 2006 at 10:55 am | Posted in aaron d.w., basketball | Leave a comment

with a kiss he’ll turn prince for youafter last summer’s rocky mountain revue in salt lake city, i had 4 dreams that i was on the jazz team. i didn’t get playing time, but in my dreams i was a team player. (greg, brian, spencer, jon, jon, sam, and jeff know it’s only in my dreams that i am.) the dream i remember most was that we lost a game and, as i was going to the locker room, greg ostertag came and put his arm around me and said, “if i was coach, you would have played today. we both know you play better defense than those guys.” “thanks.” me and kidney-donating greg ostertag: bff.

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