Soccer is for Suckers (and Freedom-Haters)

July 2, 2006 at 12:34 am | Posted in football (soccer), whitney | 1 Comment

I’m not a huge soccer fan. There. I said it. In the middle of what seems to be the coolest thing anyone has ever watched on planet Earth in the history of television and I don’t even like it a little bit. This might date back to being the very most least talented girl on every one of my soccer teams and spending most of my time on the sidelines cheering for peers that were not only better at soccer, but probably better at life. I always had to play defense (being too slow for offense), and I couldn’t kick the ball up in the air, so trying to “clear it” meant that it rolled a few feet in front of me (usually towards the center of the field, due to lack of aim) before the other team got possession again. And that was when I actually made contact with the ball. In second grade my parents used to pay me a nickle for every time I kicked the ball in a game. And when I got old enough to process kicking the ball as an internal reward, I did that thing where you go to kick and your foot just goes completely over the ball, sometimes causing you to trip and fall on your ass. That sweet move has some clever name, I think, but I’m so indifferent to soccer that I’m not even going to look it up.

Another reason I might not be that into soccer is that I’m an American. I don’t know how many people reading this are very familiar with my country, but we don’t like soccer. We don’t like it so much that we ostracized it through semantics from the rest of the world. And even if we did like soccer, we’re not very good at it, so we’re out like that (I clapped. I didn’t snap because, like my soccer skills, my snapping skills are minimal). And I don’t think I need to remind you in the this holiday season that no countries are as good as America. In fact, all countries but America suck. They use the metric system. They like “futbol.” And a lot of them don’t even execute their prisoners. As a proud American, I think it’s my duty to reject FIFA as an institution…that probably supports terrorism. (Ha. Duty.)

Take one of today’s games, for example. Brazil versus France. I can’t cheer for France because they hate freedom. I can’t cheer for Brazil because they’re poor. So I just have to sit there watching, in a vat of my own misanthropy, cheering for no one but myself. That takes a toll on my family…which, as an American, is a very important institution to me. (And why I supported Portugal instead of Britain.)

Now paintball championships. That’s a sport I can get behind. Entirely American. And of course FIFA ruined that one for me, too, with the two worst teams ever. Argentina: Che Guevara. Germany: well, a few unpopular names.


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  1. i love soccer. maybe that’s because my soccer team (when i was 10-11ish) was always undefeated. that’s because shauna robock was on my team and no one could touch her. i was the goalie and the ball never even came close to me. so i’d stay at my end of the field doing cartwheels with my best friend lizzie.–>

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