It’s All Over When the Fat Lady Freaks Out

September 11, 2006 at 9:24 am | Posted in football (soccer), whitney | 3 Comments

I went to another sibling’s soccer game. It was a while ago, but I took good notes (much to my own detriment, because I ended up getting hit in the face with the ball. What can I say, I’m dedicated to This Guy…play it cool…).

I noticed the major difference between male and female sports (at least at this young age) is the vernacular. The word “sorry” seems to come up a lot more in girls’ peewee. For example, “Sorry! I missed the ball!” or “Sorry! You were going for that, but then I got in your way and we ended up colliding!” or “Sorry, other team! I took the ball away from you and I knew you were so excited to make that winning goal! I’m sorry to ruin your day and possibly your entire life!” I fear for these girls. Compared to the boys’ frequent use of “Come ON!”s instead of displaying any sort of sympathy to their teammates’ feelings, I think the girls might suffer from low self-esteem and will definitely suffer in the workplace.

Another major difference between boys and girls soccer is their use of their bodies. Girls seem to be much more hesitant. This might have something to do with how apologetic they are to get in the way, but it also has to do with being terrified of the ball. I honestly saw someone duck under the ball instead of head it. A few girls turned their back on it and get a ball to the butt. Butting the ball, as you can imagine, gives you much less control than kneeing/heading/chesting/etc. Your 13-year-old butt, with all its unexpected and unfortunate curves, is far less predictable.

My favorite (for writing purposes) and most detested (for human purposes) fan at this game was a lady sitting on one of those tiny lawn chairs that lazy people bring with them when they know they have to wait in a long line. And…I don’t know how, or want, to put this delicately….she was fat. Like, way huge. Like, overwhelmingly obese. And she was sitting on the sidelines screaming at everyone. She screamed at the players – “GET TO THAT BALL! DON’T BE A SISSY!” – she screamed at the fans – “GET YOUR CHILD OFF THE FIELD!” – and she screamed at the ref – “HOLY CRAP! WHO’S PAYING YOUR SALARY? GIVE ME A BREAK!”. [all direct quotes] Again, this woman didn’t appear to have a child on the team. Later my sister informed me that she was indeed related to a player, but said player wasn’t there that day and the woman came anyway. She’s their number one fan that they all wish they didn’t have (including, I’m sure, her daughter). She made me pray (literally. I prayed to God) for a win with good calls so we didn’t have to see her horrible overreaction at the end. She was one of those people that always make remarks under her breath and then turns to you like you should respond but you ignore her completely so she just repeats the remarks louder. Luckily, she finally found a comrade to talk to. A man that looked like the boss from the British Office and was always cracking stupid jokes. Fat lady would say something about the ref and Office guy would make a joke. They made a great team.

“We” (Eagles) lost. Fat lady kicked her chair and stormed off.


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  1. on the inside I was hoping that she would have tripped over that chair, because then the non-jokester would have felt obliged to (try to) help her up. i think that would have been pretty comical.

    sounds like a rad afternoon at the soccer pitch.

  2. do you think the title of the blog is sexist? i’ve been worried about that for a while. i always try and convince myself that i’m being too sensitive, but maybe it really is sexist.

  3. Nah. It’s like when you call a group of both males and females “guys.” (Ellos, right?) It’s the not the blog name that’s sexist, it’s our whole language system. And I like the name.

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