they’re called hyperlinks, dude, and they’re all over this thing

September 15, 2006 at 2:46 pm | Posted in brian, tennis | 3 Comments

andy roddick: he’s no allen iverson, but he makes better commercials than allen iverson. this year’s us open commercials had been a disappointment with two exceptions: sharapova’s nike commercial (specifically because it was so un-nike) and the roddick v pong commercial. then roddick made it to the finals. during the final, lexus finally replayed all the roddick commercials from a year ago. unfortunately i could only find one online. why are they hiding the rest? but i think you only need to see one to understand why these commercials may be some of the best commercials ever. those roddick commercials are like anti-commercials: they have nothing to do with cars or tennis. they’re so funny and confusing (or funny because they’re confusing). i love those commercials.

but then my paranoia sets in. fact: lexus commercials aren’t made for their entertainment value; they’re made to sell cars. why is lexus trying to sell me, or someone like me, a car? what kind of market research did lexus do to identify my specific demographic and to know what kind of commercial would work on us (me and my demographic)? i’m guessing they read my myspace profile. ever since fox bought myspace i’ve been worrying about this kind of thing happening. i have another idea of how lexus figured me out, but i’m worried to reveal it for fear of looking too paranoid.

but i am paranoid so here it is:

one day i decided to see if someone had already dedicated a website to me without me knowing. typing in brianwood.com transported me here. at first i was surprised how much information there was about me; then i realized the website was for another brian wood (not to be confused with the brian wood who painted this or the brian wood who looks like this). after browsing through the website, my paranoia set in. this other brian wood was a lot like me–we both need corrective lenses, we’ve both had scratched corneas, we like some of the same movies, music and books. a little freaked out about having the same name and a number of shared(?) experiences with this other brian, i was blown away when i saw the t-shirts he designed.

you’re probably like, “state-shirts? who fucking cares?” well, i do. a few years ago i treid to collect state-themed shirts from all 50 states plus washington dc since i already owned one and puerto rico since guy was wearing one the last time i saw fugazi (the photo linked is of the actual puerto rico shirt). my logic: if i owned all 50+ state-shirts i could plan my wardrobe months in advance–i’d wear them alphabetically, in the order they were accepted into the union, geographically (probably west to east) and so on. the possiblities were endless and i’d never waste another hour in the morning deciding what not to wear. i aquired 22 different state-shirts before giving up. imagine how i felt when i found this guy who shares my name and many of my experiences and makes state-shirts–state-shirts i would have bought if i was still pursuing my state-shirt goal (but i wouldn’t have paid what he was asking). i know i’m paranoid but this is fucked up. later i found out that this other brian wood didn’t love star wars episode iii and realized we weren’t anything alike.

i know none of this has anything to with roddick or tennis, but, taking my sports writing cues from nesbitt–a paid sports-writer for foxsports–i’m spending half the piece telling jokes that only i get (and possibly aaron and the other brian wood who may actually be me in the future or me in a kind of twin earth called twearth where everything is the same except i’m older and a successful comic artist).

back to roddick:

while researching this piece about roddick, i came across a number of helpful websites. this guy thinks those lexus commercials are stupid. what i think is stupid: calling your blog miscellania from josh. this guy thinks they suck too but he names his blog after himself. what an idiot. i found this interview where roddick admits to watching porn with his brother. i think this is a joke, but i can’t prove it. if it’s a joke, andy roddick is obviously cool; if it’s the truth, he might be kind of creepy. well, that depends on what they were watching.

actually, i need to establish why i was researching all this stuff about roddick in the first place. roddick is one of my favorite tennis players for two reasons: (1) the previously mentioned lexus commercials and (2) because he’s sponsored by lacoste rather than nike. and because he’s such a hunk. here’s what i don’t like about roddick: jimmy connors is his coach. i mean everyone sees that this is a publicity stunt. all anyone could talk about during the final was how connors-like roddick was playing. i didn’t buy it. roddick played surprisingly well–even looking like he might beat federer late in the third set–but that had nothing to do with jimmy connors and everything to do with mandy moore.

unless you’ve been in a tennis/mandy moore coma for the last few years, you know that mandy moore and andy roddick were an item affectionately called (m)andy. it was after she dated fez but before she dated scrubs. (m)andy broke up a minute ago–like 2004 or something. andy was the one who put a stop to (m)andy. he just couldn’t handle the hollywood thing. after the break up, andy’s tennis went down hill. clearly he regretted the break up. sure he had to put up with the hollywood thing, but they were totally in love. he made a mistake and there was nothing he could do about since mandy was dating zach braff. after a number of disappointing tennis tournaments, roddick took a short break to recover from a sore back which was a euphemism for a broken heart.

mandy moore was pretty broken up about the break up too. in this interview i read, when asked how she’s doing since the (m)andy break up she responded, “i’m okay. i’m good.” i nearly cried when i read her answer. it was devestating like an elizabeth bishop poem. anytime you repeat yourself like mandy moore did it’s because you’re trying to convince yourself of something that isn’t true.

but things are looking up. mandy moore broke things off with zach braff. the claimed an age difference. i’m no mandy moore but i’d break up with zach because he’s pretentious. then, in the middle of july, (m)andy were seen together eating lunch. allegedly she couldn’t keep her eyes off him (but who could?). after that roddick won the cinncinati open and placed second at the us open. in his post-final interview, roddick credited much of his success to a special friend. dusty thinks he was talking about agassi. someone named tracy thinks he was talking about sharapova (who he is not dating). but i know he was talking about mandy moore.

andy roddick is back and he’ll continue to be the wind beneath my wings.

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3 Comments »

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  1. There’s nothing I don’t love about that Nextel commercial (aside from the fact that it is a commercial and trying to manipulate me in some way). I love the way the two guys have their seperate but equally awesome dance styles. I love the way the one dude is incharge of boom box operation. I love the feeling I get that those three guys get together at the office regularly to dance to “Oh, baby, baby” and that they don’t see anything weird with that other than that they got interrupted. Best commercial ever.

  2. i agree. best commercial ever.

  3. i tried. but i just couldn’t make it through all 9 minutes of the wind beneith my wings montage


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