defining a non-traditional sports fan

December 31, 2006 at 7:41 am | Posted in brian, football (american), misc | 4 Comments

don’t you hate player-nicknames? not in principal; in practice. i could list a bunch of stupid player-nicknames but why? they’re so boring and obvious. except for vinsanity. if we want to have an impact on sports we have to be the ones coming up with the nicknames. by we i mean non-traditional sports fans. as for a definition of non-traditional sports fan, it’s a lot like non-traditional student but the criteria is a little different. i don’t want to make an official list of criteria for non-traditional sports fan for fear of not being inclusive enough. this is something that we probably need to workshop. eventually we’ll be able to define a set of non-traditional sports fans and then organize together to make professional sports fun by changing the culture of professional sports. but so far we haven’t even defined non-traditional sports fan. but while we work through definitions, we can still work on changing the culture of sports in small way. like coming up with our own nicknames.

i’m watching the alamo bowl. texas and iowa. texas has a qb named colt mccoy who has a nasty coldsore. the obvious nickname is coldsore mccoy. while it might be a little obvious, it’s funny enough that it doesn’t matter. the iowa qb is named drew tate. since it’s the alamo bowl and the other qb is named coldsore mccoy and iowa is playing texas tate’s nickname is sheriff tate. and he’s thrown 2 touchdowns deputy brodell.

Shopping Trip from Hell

December 30, 2006 at 3:09 pm | Posted in misc, whitney | Leave a comment

Some people call shopping a sport. These people are idiots of the variety that buy into that Everyone Loves That Raymond Buttmunch with the Stupid Voice version of gender where Ray’s wife walks in out of the kitchen complaining about Raymond watching The Game while she has so much work to do around the house what with the kids and the dishes and such, but then he reminds her that she spent $___ shopping yesterday and he works hard to make that money that she spends and blahblahblah. I guess men enjoy watching football and women enjoy spending men’s money, and so we can therefore refer to shopping as the female equivalent of sport.

The only thing I hate more than people who call shopping a sport is shopping itself. OMG what a waste of time. Don’t get me wrong, I’m girly as shit. Just ask my roommate who has to hear me complaining about this huge ass pimple on my chin, or maybe about how much I love Eric Idle/Phillip Marlowe/Bob Dylan/Hott Babes. Girly.As.Shit. But there is nothing more torturous than following your mother around some cheap department store watching her pick out those jeans with the fatpeople creases already bleached out and turning around to whisper that you need a new bra and that maybe we should go to Victoria Secrets to get fitted because Oprah says and blahblahblahblahblahblah.

Yeah, that’s right motherfuckers, I shop with my mom. Because every year around this time she starts tallying all the jeans with holes I wear home on Sundays and the shirts with the coffee stains and torn lace and decides that I need something nice to wear to church. Something I can “always have.” With the prospect of free clothing and getting the yearly trip out of the way, I follow her, not having the heart to tell her that 1) I don’t go to church anymore, and 2) I’m already making plans to start dressing exactly like that little girl on Little Miss Sunshine.

And so, with my mother commenting on the shortness of my legs, the bulge of my so-optimistically-referred-to-as-love-handles, and how misshaped my breasts are (can we get away from the talk of titties, mother??) I am forced to examine these loud print, silky whatever blouse things in those three mirrors angled just the right direction so your eyes can’t keep away from your seriously unfortunate ass and I just keep trying to think “Dostoevsky, Sullivan, Bazin Bazin Bazin…I have better things to think about.” But how can you escape the ideological pull of women’s dressing rooms, really?

sportsman of the year?!

December 27, 2006 at 4:37 pm | Posted in aaron d.w., misc | 3 Comments

sportsman of the year: tiger woods. just because someone’s dad died doesn’t mean they are the best sportsman of the year. brett favre’s dad died and he threw like 18 touchdowns in one game, and then he drove a semi full of goods to new orleans after hurricane katrina, and then he made those prilosec commercials — and he didn’t win sportsman of last year. i’ve never driven a semi, but i do play golf like 3 times every year. i (almost) never take mulligans and i usually give up after 4 holes. but that’s because my clubs didn’t cost 1,000,000 dollars. in fact, i only had to work in my uncle’s garden for like 3 hours one day when i was 12 years old for my golf clubs. if you take a pretty standard wage for a 12-year-old and multiply it by 3, you’ll get something substantially less than $1,000,000. if i had clubs like tiger’s, maybe i would appreciate why he’s sportsman of the year. it’s probably pretty impressive to a lot of people that tiger won like every tournament after his dad died. and i can (sort of) respect that he’s a really good golfer. but sportsman of the year?! maybe on a different year, but this year, there’s too many other good candidates. here’s my list of sports(wo)men of the year:

1 ) roger federer: i already wrote an article that briefly mentioned his accomplishments this year. he was completely unstoppable. he did virtually everything he could do in one year. tennis doesn’t get any better.
2 ) ladanian tomlinson: he isn’t just breaking every single season rushing record — he’s shattering them. and he throws touchdowns too. and when reggie bush worked out with him reggie threw up like 6 times because he couldn’t keep up with tomlinson.

3 ) lance armstrong: he already won it 4 times and all he did was battle testicular cancer once. so why stop at 4? plus he made those stupid wristbands that say livestrong. more like divorce-your-wife-to-date-sheryl-crow-strong.

4 ) ricky williams: in his rookie season of canadian football he almost took his team, the argonauts, to the championship — as a fullback.

5 ) didier drogba: he’s leading the premiership in scoring and he single-handedly qualified ivory coast for the world cup. plus he looks so cool. and he’s my favorite athlete.

6 ) kobe bryant: just 6 months after scoring 81 points in a game he said gilbert arenas has no conscience for scoring 60 against him. maybe that’s cry-baby of the year. they haven’t announced that one yet, but if my brother doesn’t get it, kobe better.

7 ) zinedine zidane: he head-butted that guy in the chest.

8 ) kenny smith: he changed his vote at the dunk contest so that nate robinson would win even though andre iguodala had the best dunk in the history of our expanding universe. it’s amazing and impressive that he can change the outcome of the all-star game just by being an idiot.

9 ) the girl from stick it: that was a smart movie. did you notice the title has a double meaning? stick it like, “stick your landing,” and sticking it to the judges. remember how at the beginning she’s riding that bike and you think it’s a boy?  trick!
10 ) morten andersen: he broke the all-time scoring record in the nfl at the age of 46. that doesn’t happen every year.

this is for dusty

December 27, 2006 at 6:11 am | Posted in basketball, brian | Leave a comment

the other day dusty told me that he checks this website everyday looking for some kind of post about the iverson trade since i’m always talking about how iverson is the best basketball player ever. so here it is:

two days before the iverson trade i had a dream where i was playing poker at clif’s parents house with aaron, clif, dusty, gavin and chad. after the poker game we played mario cart. then i ended up in kansas city because everybody ditched me. while in kansas city i snuck into a chiefs/broncos game and watched part of the game on the sideline near one of the endzones with both dick vermeil and mike shanahan. i didn’t care about the game and i didn’t want to talk to either of those idiots so i spent my time trying to figure out how long it would take me to drive to denver because i know how long it would take me to get from denver to my home. why is this dream important? if i was daniel and could decipher dreams i would have known that he was going to be traded to denver. it’s obvious, right? everyone i played poker with in my dream sort of likes sports. the broncos and mike shanahan, who are from denver, where in my dream. and i could only think of getting to denver. two days later i heard iverson was headed to denver.

here’s why i like the trade: iverson is closer to me than ever before. also, they show all the nuggets games on the altitude channel.

Foreigners

December 6, 2006 at 1:47 pm | Posted in basketball, senor dustin | 2 Comments

Gregary wrote me an IM yesterday that LOL’d me completely. Andrei Kirilenko has recently come to like dill, he wrote. And then the hotlink, http://www.kirilenko.ru/?lang=eng.
The best Siberian basketball player on the Utah Jazz has his own blog!!! It’s pretty good too. Check out the section “Masha”. Funny.

So I searched for the best Turkish Jazzman Mehmet Okur. He has a blog also!!! http://www.memo13.com/index.asp His wife is a babe as well. They all have pretty hot wives, actually, as you can see if you click on the “birthday party for Jarron” link.

Blogs are so funny. Thanks Greg. (Greg thinks Andrei is actually Dolf Lundgren. Whatever.)

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