On We Go to Vanquish the Foe

January 5, 2007 at 11:11 am | Posted in football (american), whitney | Leave a comment

Last night I had the following unfortunate exchange:

“Whitney, can I ask you a question? How excited were you when BYU beat Utah.”
“Very.”
“Wasn’t that great!!!!????”
“Yeah, um…football?”
“Wasn’t that an exciting win????!!!”
“Actually, I didn’t know until three days later. Go BYU.”

The thing about living in Provo is that sometimes you want to go get soda on Saturday afternoons. Sometimes you get in your car with your best girlfriend Heather and you’re blasting 100.7 to get into the mood that early 90s hip-hop affords. And then sometimes – often. more frequently than I would like. all the fucking time – around University and 9th you get stuck in traffic for 45 minutes.

And that’s not all. Everyone assumes you care. Everyone asks you if you watched The Game. Stores have BYU Football flags in their windows. Utah students try to sabotage your car. When you’re sitting down in Mexico entering grades some butthole with glasses and a checked shirts asks you what The Score is. And not only do you want to punch them in the face and demand to know the lacrosse score, but you think they’re ugly and fat and stupid and vote republican.

What about that tortilla scandal? Months of tortilla stories dominating the front page of our newspaper. To toss or not to toss? Tortilla’s can be extremely dangerous. They could put an eye out. It’s bad sportsmanship. Other teams might think we aren’t very Christian. BYU has a standard to uphold. These stories sandwich the girl who thinks the modern dance to a hymn was totally inapproriate and “sexy.” But what about us?? The die-hard fans grumble. We want to have fun. We want to express ourselves as fans! We want to THROW TORTILLAS DAMMIT!

OK, so this isn’t a BYU thing. I remember making the mistake of going out after a big U game in SLC and having to see thousands of red-painted assholes throwing back rootbeer floats.

I hate college sports. And I don’t even care who won the fucking Fiesta Bowl. That’s right. Yeah yeah yeah. Tricks sound fun. I can respect a decent trick. But, man, are the results of all things having to do with college football unbearable.

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