My Super Sunday

February 6, 2007 at 3:44 am | Posted in clif, football (american), misc | 2 Comments

So, I spent Super Bowl Sunday in a bar which is something I swore I’d never do again. The last time I did was Super Bowl XXXVIII (that’s 38, I think) when the Patriots beat the Panthers. It was a party put on by some friends in a dive bar. There were so many people that it was impossible to see the game, and most of those people were chain-smoking. It got so bad that I had to go outside at halftime for some fresh air and a cigarette. That’s bad. Consequently, I missed the infamous ‘wardrobe malfunction’ and vowed never to spend the Super Bowl in a bar again. So, when my brother asked if I wanted to go to Port ‘o Call (a place I’ve sworn off) with him and his friends, I had no problem telling him to cram it. But, then he made his friends change venues to suit my distastes and I had to comply.

Lumpy’s (where we ended up) isn’t a bad place to watch sports. If you get there early enough you can get a table in the basement with your own plasma big screen and access to pool and foosball tables. Those come in handy when you’re trying to kill the two hours before kickoff. Have you ever tuned in to the game that early? They start so early that they have to fill up space with the most pointless shit. There was a half hour story about how Hines Ward winning MVP in last year’s game was the best thing to ever happen to Korea. I’m not kidding. They did, however, show the best thing I’ve ever seen in a pre-game show: young Peyton tango dancing!

Man, l’il Peyton has some moves. I wish I could bring myself to cheer for him. He seems pretty cool.

The bar hired these pretty girls to dress up in Colts and Bears jersey–tailored to show max skin–and go around handing out plastic, beaded necklaces and beer cozies. That’s not so weird, right? But these girls only had enough crap to give to make a couple laps around the bar. I guess they were paid for the full four hours, so they spent the rest of the game going from table to table, trying to make conversation about the game. It was weird and uncomfortable to everyone that wasn’t drunk and/or a pervert. Here’s the transcript of a conversation I had with one in a Colts jersey (made entirely without eye contact):

Her: Hey. Who ya cheering for?

Me: Bears.

Her: Oh, c’mon! Go Colts!

Me: …

Her: What’d you think of the opening kickoff?

Me: That guy’s pretty fast.

Her: Yeah.

Then, after several seconds of awkward silence, she backed away from the table and left to be manhandled by the frat boys at the adjacent table. I don’t really understand why someone would volunteer for that job. I can’t imagine they were being paid much over minimum wage to walk around a stinky bar in skimpy outfits to have lewd comments hurled at them (i.e., “Let’s play football; I’ll be Manning and you be Saturday [the Colts’ center]. Heh, heh.”). And, to my knowledge, they weren’t being tipped for their sparkling conversation.

The waitresses, on the other hand, I totally get. They were cleaning up. We had a party of about twelve and were going through beer and food like it was…the Super Bowl, or something. Our waitress was particularly savvy. She found out who was cheering for whom and whenever either team had a good play, she’d saunter up behind the fans and say, “Great play! How ’bout some shots?” It worked every time. By my estimation, that little trick increased our bill by $200.

In anticipation of a dull game, some of the guys I was with decided to spice it up by taking pre-game bets on everything from the coin toss to the final score. The bet that everyone was most excited about was with which song Prince would open the halftime show. I didn’t get in on this bet because all the songs I knew–Little Red Corvette, Raspberry Beret, Kiss–were taken and the only other song I could think of was Sexy M.F., which I was pretty certain he wouldn’t play. He ended up opening with Let’s Go Crazy which nobody guessed (duh!). We decided to push the bet until he played a song on our list. The next two were covers (Proud Mary and All Along the Watchtower) and who could’ve guessed that? So the winning song was the last: Purple Rain. And the winner of the bet was Stephanie, our waitress.


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  1. that is a funny vid
    I don’t get people not liking Manning. I’m a Bears fan (sorta) and I’m happy for the guy.

  2. Two best things about that video:
    1) Peyton Manning hardly even cracked a smile. If I was clever enough to come up with that response to a somewhat ridiculous question, I would have been so happy with myself that I wouldn’t have been able to stop smiling.
    2) When he bobbed his head like a chicken during the dance.

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