this is a superbowl report

February 9, 2007 at 12:08 am | Posted in brian, football (american) | 2 Comments

i picked up a hitchhiker the night before the superbowl. here’s how it happened, i think:

i went to see dr.octogan/kool keith/black elvis at the urban lounge. i arrived at 10 pm but soon realized i’d be sitting (and by sitting i mean standing) through nearly two hours of local producer/mc acts before dr. octagon. under normal circumstances, i can handle this. many of these local producer/mc acts nurse a kind of chip-on-my-shoulder mentality as a way of keeping it real, i guess. while this can be a bit annoying, i can’t really blame them. with authenticity playing such an important role in underground hip hop, what else is a white kid from utah trying to rap going to do? plus, they occasionally have some interesting beats. but saturday night there were like a billion people at urban lounge and i instantly hated most of them. this triggered an anxiety attack. luckily, with the stamp on my hand assuring reentry, i left.

a 40-something guy with a ratty hair and beard drank a soda on the sidewalk near my car.

“hey! could i get a lift?”

“where to?”

“state street and 200 south.”

state street was only 4 blocks away; we were already on 200 south. like most americans, i initially suspect all possible hitchhikers of wanting to murder me. but i know that’s bullshit. i think movie producers created a fear of hitchhikers by making movies about murderous hitchhikers so they’ll be able to continuously put out new movies about murderous hitchhikers. is that a tautology? regardless, i think it’s true. isn’t there a movie about a murderous and even torturous hitchhiker in theaters right now? if there’s one thing i hate, it’s hollywood trying to tell me what to believe. (like thanks to jaws–which is a movie i like–i’m supposed to think that sharks are determined to hunt and kill all humans. i guess fish and sea lions and penguins just don’t do it for the anymore. related: after the release of jaws, shark poaching skyrocketed leaving many shark species on the endangered species list. i hate spielberg for a lot of reasons, but this is probably number 1. this or his love affair with john williams who single-handedly ruined movie scores or how everyone copies his washed-out color correction style.) so i pick up hitchhikers to protest hitchhiker movies.

back to my story:

“i can give you a lift.”

the problem i do have with hitchhikers is i never know what to talk about. thankfully, my hitchhiker solved this problem.

“are you drunk?”

“i don’t think so.”

“good.”

i felt weird asking if he was drunk. with that topic of conversation run dry i began to panic. what else could we talk about? again, my hitchhiker came to the rescue.

“who do you think is going to win the superbowl?”

“i don’t know. who do you think?”

“indy’s got a pretty good team. i think the bears are going to have a hard time stopping manning.”

“yeah, i think chicago’s defense isn’t nearly as good without brown.”

“you can drop me off here.”

i drop him off.

“thanks for the ride.”

“no problem.”

complete success. in your face hollywood. that guy didn’t once try to murder me. and his superbowl prediction was spot on.

i should have known the best prediction about the superbowl would come from a drunk hitchhiker. it’s so obvious. but i was blinded by my own past predictions. by getting over half of my past predictions correct, i incorrectly assumed that my predictions had an effect on the outcome of games i predicted about.

you’re probably like, “how cares?” well, i care. not listeneing to my hitchhiker cost me 7 (u.s.) dollars. here’s how:

like clif and his crew, i also bet on not only the outcome of the entire game but also on the outcome of events within the game–the coin-flip, the winner of each quarter, how many tds devin hester would have, how often phil simms would contradict himself, how many commercials would exploit black history month given that the two head-coaches were african-american, where peyton manning would be gong after the superbowl (surprisingly none of us guessed disneyworld) and so on. actually we only bet on the coin-flip, who would win each quarter and who would win the game with our guesses at the score being a possible tie-breaker. whoever won the most of these bets would win our superbowl super-pot consisting of 7 (u.s.) dollars (one dollar contributed by the seven of us competing). i bet on the bears (27-24) and lost. i would have bet on the colts winning the entire game and possibly won the pot if i would have understood my hitchhiker experience for what it was: a sign from god. if the nfl is the new american religion (which i think it is with all the games are played on sunday in stadiums that are as awe-inspiring as cathedrals due to the sheer size and spectacle and there’s concrete way to separate the winners from the losers just like in christianity the believers will be separated from the unbelievers during the rapture), the best football prophets will be the john the baptist types–people on the margins of our society like my hitchhiker friend.

but this year i finally got the superbowl. the superbowl is all about excess. you eat too much, you drink too much, you waste too much time watching tv, you watch way too many shitty commercials which cost way too much to air, you sit through a halftime show that’s too long (even though prince was probably the best haltime perfprmer ever) and you care too much about a pointless football game simply because that’s what everyone does.

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2 Comments »

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  1. what flavor was the hitchhiker’s soda? this is vital for my testimony of his prophetic ability.

  2. another excess: due to the rain, i saw too many jockstrap…straps…


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