dooling for prez

April 20, 2007 at 3:50 am | Posted in aaron d.w., basketball | 5 Comments

finally it’s the time of the year when basketball gets really exciting and really annoying. it’s the playoffs, which feature high intensity games, bad commentating, more commercials, and paid-off refs. remember last year when cleveland and washingtonlbj.jpg met in the first round? washington should have won every game except that the refs were too busy giving fouls (and hand jobs) to l.b.j. i’m talking about lebron james. love him or hate him, he (sort of) shares initials with lyndon baines and ladybird. the final game of the series saw lebron do a jump stop and take like 10 steps after the jump stop before scoring the game winning basket. watch it here, i dare you. (i hope that link works; this computer doesn’t have youtube watching capabilities). anyways, the playoffs are fixed and frustrating. sometimes teams play too good and surprise the people trying to fix the games and that’s pretty exciting. this year though, it’ll be a little different. joey crawford, the most experienced (read: biggest ego-ed) ref in the league has been suspended indefinitely for challenging tim duncan to a fight. that’s good news for allen iverson and rasheed wallace, since he hates those guys. well, i hate him. how’s that, joey?

last year’s playoffs were pretty good. remember how they had ali-g commercials all the time? ali-g would interview basketball players and call steve nash the mp3 of the league. i wish it was last year again.

here’s a preview of the playoffs. i’ll give who i hope wins the games and then i’ll give my predictions. i know, i know. when have i ever differentiated between who i want to win and who i think will win? it starts today. and it’s going to carry over to our fantasy football draft, so watch out cool monster league.

eastern conference first (they’re not boring to watch at all, but you won’t here anyone on espn agree):

  • detroit pistons vs. orlando magic: hmm, chauncey billups or keyon dooling. obviously i want the magic to win. i hope detroit chokes. i hope grant hill shows detroit what they’ve been missing. i hope dwight howard puts a sticker on the top of both of detroits backboards while keyon dooling (or jameer nelson) are throwing alley-oops to him. i hope chauncey billups gets in a car accident and gets cerebral palsy. i hope rasheed wallace plays really well and that the only two reasons the pistons lose are that (a) chauncey billups is an idiot, and (b) rasheed wallace gets called for 2 technicals every game. (b) is a little bit less likely to happen with joey crawford gone, but only slightly. anyways detroit advances in 6 games.
  • cleveland cavaliers vs. washington wizards: i want the wizards to win so bad. i wanted gilbert arenas and caron butler to be around to beat lebron and the cavs in spite of the refs. i wanted gilbert to make a hundred 3-pointers from 30 feet out. i wanted them to wear those sweet jerseys. i wanted etan thomas to read poems to the cavs after he blocks their shots. but then arenas and butler got injured. so it’s up to antawn jamison to score 50 points per game. he’s up to the challenge. the refs are on the cavaliers’ side, so cleveland in 5.
  • toronto raptors vs. new jersey nets: t.j. ford is awesome. (did i just say awesome?) not only is he the best player in nba live 2006, he’s the best point guard in the eastern conference. somehow he became that after getting a neck injury his rookie season that almost paralyzed him. some people think jason kidd is the best, but that’s not what his soon-to-be ex-wife told me. they’re both filing abuse suits against each other. still, jason kidd is cool. and vince carter is vinsane. so even if the nets win i won’t kill myself or anything. but i want the raptors to win even more than i want detroit to lose. toronto in 7 games.
  • miami heat vs. chicago bulls: i want to clear something up first. brian did some research and shaq actually does have a master’s degree in criminal justice. we thought it was probably honorary since he “brings law and order to the court,” but it turns out that he went to lsu in the summers after he was drafted until he finished it. he’s a deputy in like 4 states and sometimes he beats people while questioning them. plus he wears those stupid hats during interviews, so i think i like him. but he’s on pat riley’s team. so i want the miami heat to lose. not just that, i like the bulls. i think they’re team is super-cool. luol deng, kirk hinrich, ben wallace, tyrus thomas, ben gordon. they’re only problem is they can’t wear headbands which is stupid. still, they’re good. and they’ll waste the heat. probably in 5 games.

western conference:

  • dallas mavericks vs. golden state warriors: let’s compare players. on dallas i like dirk nowitzki, josh howard, desagna diop, jason terry, devin harris and i don’t like jerry stackhouse. on golden state i like monta ellis, al harrington, baron davis, mikael pietrus and i don’t like matt barnes’ mustache. i don’t like avery johnson as a coach or a person and i sort of like don nelson as a coach since every player is between 6’4″ and 6’8″. on paper, i probably want the mavericks to win. but i love that golden state team. monta ellis is one of my favorite young players to watch. i hope golden state wins, but i’m picking the mavericks. in 7.
  • phoenix suns vs. los angeles lakers: this one’s easy. i was hoping the lakers wouldn’t even make the playoffs. they have luke walton (whom i wish was dead) and phil jackson (i can’t think of the worse thing i want for him). so even though they have lamar odom, i can’t root for them. on the other hand, phoenix is cool except for amare stoudamire. he’s not nearly as good as he thinks and everyone else thinks. he doesn’t really see what’s happening around him and he decides before he drives whether he’s going to dunk it or not. it gets him into trouble. he just puts his head down and then looks stupid. well, i like when he looks stupid because i can hate him easier. so i hope he gets injured and nash scores a million points. actually, i hope barbosa scores a million points. per minute. that guy is fast. suns win in 5.
  • san antonio spurs vs. denver nuggets: everyone on the nuggets is totally awesome. especially allen iverson. but nene and marcus camby and carmelo anthony and eduardo najera and steve blake and jr. smith. they’re cool. the spurs have too many stars. they get guys like michael finley and brent barry as backups. mostly though, they have bruce bowen and i wish that guy’s parents would get in a fight and murder each other and that he would be the one to find their dead and bloody bodies and then he would go crazy and talk to himself out loud on the subway and everyone in the world would think he was an idiot. because he is. the spurs are good. but i’m picking the nuggets to win. in 6 games.
  • utah jazz vs. houston rockets: this one’s tough. i like the jazz a lot. booz cruise, kiriblinko, money ball, slick, leap-and-lean harpring, chubby cheeks, giriczech, paul millsap. but the rockets have tracy mcgrady. and they have shane battier and rafer alston. alston used to play street ball and his street ball name was skip to my lou. plus stan van gundy is cool. jerry sloan is, except that he doesn’t let the jazz wear headbands, which is stupid. i think t-mac will win the series. houston in 6.


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5 Comments »

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  1. fuckin great post, my man. I can’t believe you don’t like stoudamire. Seriously, i hope you post a lot through the playoffs. Maybe you can save the east from boring mediocrity, who knows.

  2. i like this post so so much aaron

  3. Does this mean you’re finally giving up on Vick?

    And I prefer to call him el B. J.

  4. that’s funny, that’s sort of why i started calling him that.

  5. I actually saw that Jazz game. You didn’t mention Yao…I don’t know…it’s probably as cliche as jumping on the Dice-K boat, but that guy’s awesome. An awesome cry baby.

    Millsap is my favorite, but I get really sick of them calling him “The Rookie from Louisiana.” It’s a long nickname.

    I liked how they kept calling Yao “the big fella”, though. And just tracked him the whole time while McGrady was the one being so awesome.

    That’s all. I didn’t want to write a post about it.


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