If Only I Ate Hot Dogs

May 7, 2007 at 4:02 am | Posted in baseball, whitney | 2 Comments

Here are my favorite things about BYU baseball games:
1. Blind Man – There is a middle-aged man who goes to every home BYU sporting event he can. No matter where Heather and I sit, he seems to be sitting right behind us, pounding “Let’s Go Cougars” out on the back of the chair and making our entire row shake. He’s loud and yells pointless things like “Come ON! HOME RUN!” as though that wasn’t already the intent. He also has a tendency to cheer for balls. Heather speculates that this is because he doesn’t want to miss any of the action…if there is no action, than he can feel better about being blind. Anyway, the best part about him is that he argues with the ump. Up to twenty seconds after the fact, he’s yelling at the ump that the guy on first was out (the ball wasn’t even thrown to first). He likes to argue about strikes and balls, too. “Come on blue!!!”
2. Big League Chew – Our parents wouldn’t let us chew this when we were little because it glorifies tobacco. It’s gross, but we’re making a rebellious statement.
3. The Regulars – There is a group of boys who come up with the best cheers and then Heather and I go from there. My favorite was when one of the players on the other team had a batting average of .107. So all of us started calling him One-Oh-Seven. He was the catcher, so whenever someone stole on him or he missed a ball, we’d taunt him relentlessly. College baseball is a great venue for this kind of mockery. It’s quiet and small, so you can be sure that they hear you. Gonzagas still won by 11…
4. Baseball Soda – We sneak it in in Heather’s purse. It leaks every time.
5. J.D. – What a good catcher. What a great hitter. What a hottie.

Things I hate about BYU baseball:
1. Blind Man – He always has the people around him explain the game to him. Like, you’d think he was deaf too. He can’t hear the bat hit the ball he can’t hear the ump call “ball” or “strike” or “out.” So every little thing is explained to him. We usually end up sitting somewhere else after a couple innings.
2. The Sun
3. Seventh Inning “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” – I don’t care how drunk you get, no one ever feels good doing that.
4. Deals for Steals – Half the time Cosmo’s taking a nap and no one gets a deal. The other half the time it’s a haircut or something totally lame.
5. Cosmo – He used to be alright when his face seemed nice, but now he looks and acts like a real bastard. Last time Hootie from the Provo Owls was there and the two of them had a hula-hooping contest. Hootie’s got like, 25 inches around the waist on Cosmo. He couldn’t even get the hoop around him, and Cosmo’s sitting there rubbing it in his face. Poor Hootie.
6. Losing all my Bets – “I bet fifty cents there will be a base hit this inning” and I still lose.

As for little league, the Indians are looking pretty good this year. More on that later.



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  1. that blind guy should consecutively listen to the game on the radio in his earphones while at the park. isn’t that what all blind people do? and most old men at BYU sporting events? it would really help him out.

    also, i like the 7th inning stretch sort of.

  2. i just reread carver’s “the cathedral” which is about a blind man. he smoked cigarettes even though the blind generally don’t smoke cigarettes because they can’t see the smoke and that’s the best part about smoking other than the nicotine. at least that’s what the carver story said.

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