jazz vs. warriors

May 8, 2007 at 12:25 pm | Posted in aaron d.w., basketball | 17 Comments

i just barely got to the bowling alley in the basement of the union building here at oregon state university. i don’t have cable, so when i can’t convince nathan to hang out (he said he’s busy?!), i have to come here to watch basketball games. it’s pretty awesome. they have a big screen t.v. and mostly everyone who comes in is under 16. also, they play music really loud. so i don’t have to listen to marv albert. instead, i get to listen to van halen’s runnin’ with the devil. “doo doooo. dadadoo oo doo oooo.”

so utah’s up 17-7 right now and i want to talk about how i am really excited about this series. and not just because i like the jazz and love golden state. actually, that’s probably exactly why i’m excited about it. let me mention that again. i like the jazz a lot and i love golden state. i really am happy to see the jazz in the playoffs. i know that i was rooting for the rockets, but that was mostly about rooting for tracy mcgrady. i love that guy. and i wanted him to win so that people would stop getting on his case. he had the best year of his career and he played a great series against the jazz. anyways, as sad as i am, i’ll be over it soon. i mean, t-mac’s a fighter. i wasn’t so sure a couple years ago when he was depressed, but he’s back. so next year — watch out.

they just went to commercial and it was for nbastore.com. you’d think they could afford marketing. but instead they make commercials that are worse than oregon public commercials — specifically kiefer kia, mr. appliance, and the stereo store. here’s a mr. appliance commercial.

the stereo store is the worst of the three. even if kiefer kia hires some girl to sing (pretty badly) the whole commercial, it’s better than the following stereo store commercial.
boy: now will you go out with me?
girl: um, no.
boy: why not?
girl: your stereo.
boy: i need that spring thing.
girl: you need the stereo store.
then it goes to an add for their spring sale called “that spring thing” and then it cuts back.
boy: i got that spring thing.
girl: you got the stereo store.
end of commercial.

how in the world does the nbastore.com make worse commercials?

i can’t wait until they cut to the stockton and malone statues. that’s going to be sweet.

so it’s 28-27 right now. the jazz are ahead. so far al harrington and mehmet okur are going crazy. i think this series is going to be sweet. but i have to admit that even though i’m from utah and i like the jazz, i want golden state to win. not just that, i think they can totally do it. the teams match up pretty good, but i think golden state are still tough to guard. stephen jackson just made a 3. remember when he was 7-8 in game 6 against dallas? remember how anytime anybody got in an argument he had his fists cocked, ready to punch anybody in the face? i wonder if he’s going to punch derek fisher in his fat cheeks. but not until game 2, since fisher’s out. anyways, i think this series might go 7 games after all. and that’s fine by me. “some people claim that there’s a woman to blame, but i know — doodoodoodo doooo — it’s my own damn fault — doodoodoodo doooo.”

it’s the end of the first quarter and the jazz lead 37-35. this is pretty high scoring. the jazz are playing lots faster than i thought. good for them. they’re playing pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good. citi commercial — do parents ever drop their kids off at dorms and just dump everything onto the grass and leave? d.wade/c.barkley commercial — my favorite is the way charles says, “if you make this putt…” he even gambles in commercials. what a cool dude. come on stockton statue, come on… nope.

start of the second quarter. block by kiriblinko. he’s going to get a 20/20 with blocks and rebounds. does matt barnes have a medusa tattoo? maybe, but they still call travels on him. what did bolerjack start calling okur after they told him not to say money shot? i can’t remember. besides the statues, the thing i’m hoping for the most is that they say that “pound for pound, matt harpring is one of the strongest players in the nba.” i’ve heard them say that like 8 times this season. and i don’t get that many jazz games up here. one of the key things i’ve realized this playoffs is that the video game commentators on nba live are spot on. we used to always make fun of the fact that there’s only like 6 things that they say about each player. but what i’ve realized is that it’s true to life. every commentator just spits out the same few phrases. i don’t think they steal from each other. i think they have like a page on each person for each team. there’s like 15 sentences and 10 weird stats per player and coach. and there’s like 25 sentences and 20 weird stats about each team. they just look on their list and say what fits best. they probably get the sheets the night before so they can study. then it seems more natural. except for bolerjack. i bet he just hears someone else say it and steals it. they probably don’t give him access to their lists and he’s probably way sad about it.

so video games. they’re exactly like real life. watching this series is like watching greg play against brian. me and brian like to play pretty fast. i play fast and pretty small. brian plays fast and likes to have everyone between 6’4″ and 6’8″ so they can all play any position. so he’s more like golden state than i am. anyways, greg’s a half court sort of guy. so this is like the playoffs of every season we’ve played. if the warriors win, i bet all the jazz fans whine at least as much as greg does.

47-47 with 6 minutes left in the half. d.w. hits the free throw to put the jazz up one. then he gets called for a blocking foul. commercials! sonic. “why not raspberry ice M, or any other of the 48 letters?” “before you continue, may i sub-respond?” oh comcast is up to twice as fast as dsl. hmm. didn’t know that they had everything i need to keep my small business going. shot of trax. no statue still. agent zero (gilbert arenas) and t-mac drink vitamin water, just like urlacher.

cactus.jpg9 ties so far. is that supposed to be impressive? i think it is, but what’s a usual amount of ties? kirilenko is headed towards a cinco-cinco. i wish this game had been on saturday. baron davis dunked. biedrins had a stupid look on his face. get a kirilenko mohawk, biedrins. then we’ll talk. time-out. pet web-cams. i hope they make pet reality shows next. especially a cat. t-mobile fave five commercial #3. heineken. hyundai.

61-59 jazz. d.w. had 2 assists and a 3 pointer in 3 possessions. usa basketball commercial. why is brad miller on that team again? who is brad miller anyways? i keep looking in the jazz crowd for friends. but i don’t know anybody that’s supposed to be there. maybe prince is there to see booz cruise? 1 minute left in the half. matt barne s — 3 pointer. d.w. — push off. monta ellis — travel. dee brown — turnover. j.rich — layup. jazz — missed shot(s). end of half. golden state 66, utah 63. crowd is booing. baron davis went 5-5 shooting in the second quarter.
halftime show. baron davis — 17 points, d.w. — 16 points. charles barkley: “jazz are going to get layups. golden state lives and dies by the jumper.” ernie thinks kirilenko is playing great. it’s weird because i agree. it would be weirder if i agreed with kenny smith. one time i wrote a letter to kenny smith after the 2006 all-star game:

dear kenny smith,
i saw you. i saw you change your vote. you had a 9 for iguodala’s dunk. he went behind his back for crying out loud. it was one of the top 20 dunks i’ve seen and you had a 9. that’s cool. but then you looked to see what everyone else had and you changed yours to an 8. did you think nobody noticed? i know nate robinson is sweet. and who doesn’t want a little guy to win the dunk contest. but seriously, have you ever seen someone dunk like andre iguodala? you changed your vote to force a final dunk and you thought nobody noticed. well i did. and i’m calling the ranger on you. oh no, not the ranger!
sincerely, aaron d.w.

that last part i added just now. but it doesn’t matter since i never sent the letter. i’m free to modify however i want. i might as well admit that i just rewrote the whole letter right now. brian knows that we lost our letters to kenny smith and i don’t want some lame comment at the bottom. t-mobile commercial #4. smooth jazz 105.9 — the right songs at the right time. the fresh new sounds for portland’s work day. t-mobile commercial #5. still no statues.

6 minutes left in the third quarter. both teams have cooled off a bit. 77-74 golden state. coors light trains have their own lane on roads in new york city. kirilenko’s looking good still. just got fouled. chance to tie it up and pull ahead. miss. and make. 79-79. 4 minutes left. as far as i know, brian invented the term cinco-cinco. remember that. 2 minutes left in the third. 82-82. the strongest man in the world drinks coors light. but his name isn’t tarmo mitt. i wanted tarmo mitt to win pretty badly. i saw him compete in the barrel tossing event and the double-car deadlift event. he’s my strongest man. i don’t care what anyone else says. i love you, tarmo. one time, i was just walking around and i thought about tarmo mitt cobrakai300dpi.jpgfor apparently no reason. so i sent a text message to nathan that said, “tarmo mitt.” turns out, 10 minutes before i sent the message, robin was on the phone with her dad and she asked nathan what the name of that one strongest man competitor was. i’m pretty sure that i do have a very high level of intuition. the tarot card reader at that harry potter party was right. i might dress up as professor snape this halloween. unless i’m one of the cobra kai from karate kid. i want to be their halloween characters for halloween. it’s like in inland empire when that girl is watching her television on her television. or maybe i’ll be matt barnes. that guy is cool.

end of the third quarter. 89-84 warriors. urlacher/ortiz badminton vitamin water commercial. start of the 4th quarter. another fade-away by al harrington. that guy is playing great. i’m glad. he didn’t get much playing time against the mavericks because of the matchup problems. money ball hits a 3. it’s the fourth quarter. this is when it’s starts raining for him. sweet pass by baron davis. pietrus misses. i like pietrus, but it was a total clank.

owning honda motorcycles is like having wings. huh. i did not know that. the florida football players weren’t sufficiently hydrated. naturally they called it gator-ade. oh okay. from the gators of old to this year’s team to michael jordan and the nba championship. i get it. some little league commercial. i’m no expert, though. you’ll have to ask whitney about it. she’s our local pee-wee sports expert. 95-93 warriors. 8 minutes left. baron d. fouls booz cruise. chance to tie it up. make. and miss. stuff. d.w. layup and 1. miss. pietrus makes up for the clank with a 3 pointer. harpring scores. j.rich 3 pointer. 102-98 warriors with 6 minutes left. dee b with a sweet left-handed layup. b.davis with a miss and then a foul. that’s five on b.d. and d.w.

where’s the music? it was loud earlier, now there’s none. which is worse. now i have to listen to all the 15-year-olds play pool and ice hockey and dance dance revolution behind me. and there’s this weird vibrating recliner that they keep putting dollars in and screaming. mom, what’s an IMO? probably not asking about the internation mathematics olympiad.

harpring’s jump shot ties it up, 104-104. 4 minutes left. booz cruise offensive rebound and a make. j.rich hits a 3. d.w. matches. kirilenko block. stephen j fouls. here come the punches, i can feel it. hertz commercial. i wish i was dead. doesn’t even matter which one. verizon wireless. i wish i had some quietus. the future looks to be pretty cool with that stuff. lbj’s sprite commercial. 15-year-olds talking about soy milk. another 15-year-old just said, “it’s all about the bulls and the wizards.” does he know the wizards are eliminated? “it’s all about michael jordan.” does he know he’s retired? does he know that he wasn’t very good on the wizards? does he know that jordan owns the bobcats now? two free throws for booz cruise. make and miss. 109-107 jazz. booz cruise fouls matt barnes. i bet he makes them both. he’s on the verge of a cinco-cinco, except for the blocks. is it possible to out-kirilenko kirilenko? nope, one make one miss. driving floater by matt barnes — make! 110-109 warriors. d.w. layup and 1. free throw good. 112-110 jazz. the 15-year-old’s parent figure is a jazz fan. kirilenko fouls j.rich. make, make. money ball miss. where’s the statue!? booz cruise o.r. and a make. 114-112 jazz. 17 seconds left. commercial animated by those waking life guys. stephen j 3 pointer…miss. rebound harpring. fouled. 7 seconds left. make, make. 116-112 jazz. someone with a sign that says hostile environment. i think i gave him a library card. guitar shredding at the energy solutions arena. stephen j drives and misses. game over. 116-112.

kirilenko — 1 assist and 4 steals away from a cinco-cinco. 7 blocks.
matt barnes — 1 assist, 1 steal and 5 blocks away from a cinco-cinco.
kevin bacon — bff with michael jordan. that 15 year-old probably loves him.

no stockton-to-malone statue. tnt blew it.



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  1. that’s my favorite sonic commercial and sonic makes the best commercials, which means . . .

    after reading this i really felt like i watched the game . . . in a bowling alley instead of in my living room.

  2. Live webcast! Yes! Stream of consciousness style! Yes! I agree: Matt Barnes is becoming a favorite. Serious Prediction – Utah in 5.
    Good post, aaron.

  3. Serious counter-prediction. Baron Davis and Harrington, with no help from Jackson, in 6. Harrington, deciding that he’d like a post-season raise, will turn in a cumulative 60% FGP from beyond the arc for the series. But the Jazz win the first two, just because that’s the kind of jews they are.

    Also, Kirilenko needs to eat some damned thing. I can’t look at his starvation poster-boy skull-shape and posture anymore. But shizzle, with 7 blocks, I’ll let it slide for a few more games.

    Most importantly, let us all fast and pray that the Suns take out the Spurs, because the Spurs are probably the least enjoyable team to watch since the mid 90s Los Angeles Clippers, even with Brand’s great video game blocking rating. I hope someone MURDERS Tim Duncan, so at least there will be SOMETHING exciting to watch about him.

  4. For sure on the Spurs. I’m boycotting a Spurs/Pistons finals. Damn, I thought for a minute there the Bulls were gonna have a shot.

  5. what, exactly, did you mean when calling the jazz jews?
    and i think harrington gonna go crazy this series, as opposed to last series, because he’s getting match-ups he can exploit.

    but we can all agree that a spurs finally will be a downer. but even if that happens we’ll have this series and the mavz/the city series to always remember and tell our grandchildren about.

  6. i feel like i watched this game with you. we didn’t watch the game together, right?

  7. I think that if they take the well-concealed switch blades away from the Spurs’ guards, and they can’t cut up Steve Nash’s face so that he can’t take the games back in late 4ths, the Suns will own Texas. It’s a simple matter of knife control.

    By jews I just meant that they bought the first game. As in, paid referees. Game 3s, 4s, and so on get a lot more pricey though, and Utah just ain’t got enough rap music to pay for them all. Warriors win. If San Antonio beats Phoenix G-State will take them out too. Using only their legs. Underdogs of the century. Kids got heart.

    They can’t hang with Phoenix though. Can’t nobod hang wit Phoenix.

  8. Note: My best friend growing up was Jewish. We called each other jews, dirty jews, filthy rich jews, jewbos, jewy chocolate chips, and 85 other things as often, and creatively as we could. I’m sorry if I’ve offended anyone. Particularly, any jews.


  9. so what you’re saying is that if you once knew a [fill in whatever group] it’s okay to use racist stereotypes of [whatever group you knew] if you think it’s funny. well guess what? you’re racist jokes aren’t even funny even if they weren’t racist.

    and when you said that the city only uses their legs, were you implying that as black athletes, they don’t have the intellect to play smart?

  10. i think it’s funny only if he was making a joke about how jewish lobby dictates all US foreign policy

  11. I can’t tell if you’re kidding or not, Bri. Way to jump to (hopefully) jokingly-exaggerated ridiculous conclusions.

    First of all, they are the funniest thing ever heard of. You may not agree, but you may also not have a sense of humor, of have been aparty to the prior situations and events which led to the particularly humorous circumstances causing myself to think they were funny, which I can’t really blame you for. You didn’t know any better.

    Second of all, if you view the Jewish as a race instead of a religion, you’re pretty funny yourself, but let’s not even get into that.

    Third of all, are the Spurs any less black than the Warriors? Grow up. It’s RUNNING GAME (WARRIORS) VS. VINTAGE CELTIC-ESQUE, SLOW-PACED, TIM DUNCAN BASKETBALL (SPURS).

    Fourth of all, much less of the INTELLECT of basketball is determined by the players than it is by the coaches.

    Fifth of all, I love and forgive you. And hope that you can take baby steps towards conclusions before flying to the hot heat revolver for whatever reason you may’ve.

  12. i believe everybody has a sense of humor. it just makes evolutionary sense. however, senses of humor differ from person to person because of genetics and upbringing and what movies you watch. more importantly, we have no control over what we think is funny since our senses of humor work on an involuntary level.

    for me, i think this picture is funny: http://www.adhaiku.com/images/Iltalehti_handpuppet.jpg i think it’s funny when people on tv shows talk about what they watched on tv. and the thing i laughed hardest at in the last week was a line from this movie maybe called the quatermass xperiment: “there’s no room for personal feelings in science!”

  13. Sorry about the comments that my son, David McGuigan, made about jews.

  14. He did not grow up on the United States and doesn’t know better.

  15. i get it. the m stands for lambert.

  16. As an Australia-based Bears fan, I found your blog on google and read a few of your other Bears posts.
    I just added you to my Google News Reader. Keep up the good work. Look forward to reading more from you in the future.

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