just like sister ray said

May 15, 2007 at 2:57 am | Posted in brian, football (american) | 11 Comments

saturday i watched the naked and the dead, a movie starring a young brian urlacher. the character urlacher plays in the movie is almost exactly like the character he plays during the football season: he’s the unofficial leader of a tough-nosed platoon who are a lot like the bears defense; before the war he was married to a blond stripper who refuses to remain faithful just like the football playing urlacher went out with paris hilton for a week before she moved onto her next sports-star boyfriend (i think it was matt leinart or andy roddick); and he’s a jerk who always pries gold teeth out of the mouths of dead japanese soldiers just like the football playing urlacher is always taking cheap shots at his opponents.

how come sports-themed movies are so bad? except for a couple boxing movies (raging bull and when we were kings and this one i haven’t seen yet but robert osborne says is the best boxing movie around and he would know) and this one movie about little league baseball i saw on tcm (the great american pastime) sports movies are terrible.

p.s. i don’t count sports movies that star animals as part of the sports movie genre. in my opinion, if a movie stars an animal, it’s an animal movie regardless of what the animal is doing. mvp, mxp and air bud are all fantastic movies, but i just don’t consider them sports movies.

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  1. there are two amazing things about this post. 1) you wrote it in the future. 2) you said sports movies are usually bad. Besides the really earnest ones meant for teens (Remember the Titans, Friday Night Lights, Miracle, every movie on my sister’s top ten list) I think the sports movie is practically the best genre. It all starts with Harold Lloyd, right? And then there’s Rudy (which is good because the real Rudy came to my jr. high and he’s actually huge. So he had no physical disadvantage, he was just bad at football), Bad News Bears, all the Mighty Ducks movies (D2 being the best), this one about a girl doing motocross on the Disney Channel, Cool Runnings!!!!(!), and I know Angels in the Outfield is annoying in a lot of ways, but there are some great moments with Tony Danza. I remember liking The Sandlot when I was a kid, but I’m not going to stick by that right now. What about The Natural? That was pretty good. So is The Rookie, if you ask me (but not in a great way, just a pretty nice little genre movie). I felt like The World’s Fastest Indian is kind of in the same category. The Hurricane kind of hits you over the head with everything, but there is some okay acting, and a really good soundtrack. He Got Game! I forgot about He Got Game until this minute, and that’s a great movie. Goalie’s Anxiety at the Penalty Kick by Wim Wenders. So…I think it’s like any other genre. A lot of shit (some being really funny shit) and a few good ones.

  2. i liked stick it. because the title is stick it, like stick your landing in gymnastics. but it’s also stick it, like stick it to the judges of gymnastics tournaments. there’s a lot going on, and that’s just the title. and that warren beatty movie about football is awesome.

  3. Does ballet count? I think so. For those who count it, The Red Shoes is a crazy sports movie.

  4. this is the third time i’ve tried to leave this comment.

    i don’t know if ballet counts as a sport. it’s more of an art form, i think. but i’d be willing to count it. here’s another borderline sports movie: the killings, since the horse race is such a prominent part of the movie.

  5. I’m not exaggerating when I say that ‘Stick It’ literally made my top 35 movies of 2006. I LOVED it. I would DO it. I think I saw it twice in theaters, and I’m NOT EVEN EXACTLY WEALTHY.

    Moving on, whether or not you like golf, whether or not you like the heart-wrenching contrast of the clashing stereotypical attitudes of the early social class wars in America, ‘THE GREATEST GAME EVER PLAYED’ is possibly the single greatest ‘sports’ movie ever MADE.

    It’ll make you smirk, make you cry, make you feel indifferent, give you a partial erection if you’re male, and even make you leap off of your seat and cheer if you’re into that kind of thing. Watch it. Then buy it or copy it illegally. IT’S THAT GOOD.

    Do NOT, however, EVER EVEN THINK OF RENTING ‘CROSSOVER’, no matter how awesome you think Anthony Mackie was in 8 Mile. ‘Crossover’ may well be the worst basketball movie ever ever.

  6. And I even almost hate most Disney movies.

    http://imdb.com/title/tt0388980/

  7. I think “D-Money” might have been one of my 102 students.

  8. Fill in the blank. ___________ 102.

  9. hoosiers is the worst basketball movie ever and may be responsible for all the terrible sports movies made in the last twenty years.

    hoop dreams, pistol and basketball diaries are good basketball movies.

    fight said that lafontaine is a good movie about a long distance runner

  10. Let us not forget The Fighting Armadillos.

    Or the Major League series.

    Those are my favorites.

  11. Damnit. Why doesn’t it preserve my line spacing?


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