here’s a letter we wrote to carlos boozer

May 19, 2007 at 12:12 am | Posted in basketball, brian, fight | 15 Comments

dear mr boozer,

congratulations on an impressive regular season and your phenomenal performances in this year’s playoffs. truly, this is a breakout year for you. with your range on your jump shot, your finesse in the post, your amazing two-handed ability and your rebounding, you obviously have the talent and the determination to be a superstar in today’s nba; however, talent and determination alone cannot elevate you to the level of superstardom in the post-jordan nba.

today’s super-stars must have a marketable persona. jordan’s mars blackman , lbj’s the lebron’s and larry johnson’s grandmama all serve as great examples of basketball players crafting personas that catpulted them from basketball star to sport’s superstar. we believe you need a similar persona to truly become a superstar.

with that in mind, we have the perfect idea for you:

slambidunktrous

this name obviously grows out of your two-handed ability around the hoop and your power. but it’s not just a name; it’s an identity. first you need to tattoo slam-dunk across your fingers night of the hunter style.

then after every slam-dunk you show your fists to the closest camera, prominently displaying your slam-dunk tattoo, and say “slam-dunk!” after that, the commercial offers come pouring in. and with your new identity, the commercial options are endless. for example, you’re all decked out like radio from do the right thing (complete with a boombox) and you’re like, “this is the story of slam and dunk.”

we could even make the commercials for you. as you can see, we’re full of great ideas. our commercials would be self-conscious, a bit self-deprecating and, of course, funny. if you aren’t comfortable with us doing the commercials, will be happy to give you this nickname for the nominal fee of 1 million dollars. when you think of all the endorsement opportunities such a name will provide for you, 1 million dollars is a steal.

love,

brian and fight

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15 Comments »

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  1. I was telling my dad how funny this was, and I discovered that it’s really hard to say Boozer’s new nickname without making it sound like he’s seducing us with his slams and dunks. I don’t know if that makes it better or worse.

    My dad said he read an interview where Boozer said the best sign he saw was “I used to be Horny, but now I’m a Boozer.” I laughed, but when my dad was like “like, hornesek” I laughed harder.

  2. Hornacek. As in Jeff. Raise the roof; what what.

    Illustrious 15-year career starting in Phoenix and ending in Utah for the always-disappointing Salt Lake Shizzy Jazz.

    Holla back Jeff if you reading this. I remember when you and Majerle used to take turns owning entire teams wit yo ‘Hark! from the Arc™’.

    Little known fact: One fine season, Jeffers turned in a seasonal free-throw percentage of .950 (171-180), astounding the crap out of free-throw shooting enthusiasts everywhere. Then he retired.

  3. D, sup baby? Yo, you know how I read blogs.

    After I left Phoenix for Philadelphia, I thought “Dang y’all. Could things get any worse?”

    THEN, mofos traded me to Utah. It was like, “Damn. This jacked.”

    BY THE WAY! Can you believe how dirty San Antonio is? I heard Horry, Bowen, and Popovich stayed up all night planning The Crippling Suspensions 2007™. I guess when they run out of talent, some teams have to turn to filthy, underhanded political maneuvers. I mean, chronically falsifying and exaggerating contact in order to draw fouls is one thing (that I used to do every single game of my life), but exploiting ridiculous league regulations to eliminate 40% of the Suns’ starters, including an all-NBA first teamer?

    That’s just NASTY. Let’s hang soon, baby.

  4. Yo Horn. I feel you though. We all cried when you left, even though we could see the NBA Finals® sparkle in Charles’s eye when he got the hell out of Philly.

    I know. Being traded to Utah is like falling down a flight of stairs. You never made All-Star again. Your points per game never broke 20 again. It’s not your fault, Horn.

    What’s even worse is Western Conference Finals 2007: Utah Jazz vs. San Antonio Spurs. KILL ME NOW. That’s about as exciting as watching “professional baseball” sober.

    In other words, I ain’t even gone watch that crap. It’s a sad sad story when Eastern Conference match ups have the potential to produce higher-scoring and far-more-exciting games than the Western.

    I ain’t gone lie though, Deron got skills. Dude just needs to find himself a better team.

    Also, Halo 3 Beta is out. We got it. Roll on over dawg. We can even drop a 3-point shootout in the driveway. Our hoop’s been calibrated and is read to go.

    Oh, and look what I found!!!
    http://www.nba.com/suns/news/92_allstar.html

    D.

  5. Nice! They totally misquoted my ass in that. And there are like 4 English errors. I swear Larry Ward was on acid when he interviewed us.

    HALO 3?!?!?!? WHAT THE EFF!!!! DO YOU STILL HAVE THAT 1080P GLASS? DAMN DAWG! PROPS. I’LL CALL YOU TOMORS!!

    J-HORN

  6. hornacek on the jazz makes so much sense. it’s like larry miller looked over the nba and thought, “which current nba player looks the most mormon?” since he knew jazz fans have an easier time identifying with perceived mormon athletes. so they traded for hornacek.

    while hornacek is the most mormon looking player in the history of the nba, the jazz have had a knack for always having those types of players.
    john stockton
    matt harpring
    karl malone (but he would be a convert rather than a mormon from birth)
    thurl bailey (who really is a convert)
    dusty thinks chris humphries looks like a hunky mormon

  7. Oh please. Danny Ainge, Steve Kerr, Tom Chambers, Leandro Barbosa (at least if you’ve served in Brazil), Larry Bird, Jerry West, Pete Maravich, Mark Easton (when clean-shaven), Shawn Bradley, any player that’s ever had the last name Barry, and Kevin McHale all look 85 times more LDS than I ever did.

    I’ve been to strip clubs more times than I have the free throw line. Holla back.

  8. Holls.

  9. Horny, you can’t count players that actually ARE LDS. Plus, you have kids that do commercials with you. Mormons eat that shit up.

    You might have been an All-Star in Phoenix, but you were never and will never again be loved and idolized like you were during your pseudo-Mormon years with the Jazz

  10. jeff, i mean you appear the most mormon to mormon jazz fans. so playing in utah places you ablove everyone you mentioned. to take this argument a step further:
    -danny ainge has the kind of temper mormons frown on
    -jerry west is like a bllion years old, he was a star before mormons even knew basketball was a sport
    -tom chambers is pretty close, but sometimes his hair got a little shaggy and he never wiped his forehead to say high to his kids during a game (and you did multiple times every game)
    -pete maravich was a drunk (but i personally love him)
    -mark eaton is too tall
    -shawn bradley is too tall
    -brent barry had long hair and his brother had a shaved head
    -kevin mchale sort of reminds me of this bishop i have, but he also looks like he’ll kick your ass if you look at him wrong which would not be a very christ-like thing to do.

    you, jeff, have the perfect mormon hair, the perfect mormon complexion, and visibly love your family and we all know that families are the false idol of the mormon church.

  11. I am both flattered and offended. And, as it turns out, Kevin McHale actually is your current bishop.

    And I don’t know what kind of church ball you played growing up, but Ainge’s temper was characteristic TO a T of most ward coaches I ever played for.

    To quote Jerry West, “Parley P. Pratt used to come and watch me play, and frequently shared scriptures with me at halftime.”

    Tom Chambers was the guy in your ward who always says something totally offensive in the middle of baring his t-money, and/or thinks it’s ok to wear a Hawaiian shirt to general conf.

    As far as Pistoff Pete, what decent LDS basketball player didn’t have a ‘swig’ phase? Almost n’one.

    Mark Eaton and Shawn Bradley both overcame severe thyroid problems thanks to faith and prayer. Their stories were both published in the Ensign.

    To quote Brent Barry: “Jesus had long hair.”

    To quote his brother: “Dallen H. Oaks shaved his head for a while.”

    As far as I go, I actually get asked if I’m a ‘J-Wit’ a lot more often than if I’m LDS. But maybe it’s the Watchtowers I hand out to random people at restaurants, who knows.

  12. Oh baby, you still handing that shit out? I miss that so much about you.

  13. A brotha gotta make a little retirement-supplement cash somehow. Got get paid, son.

  14. I feel you dawg; I feel you. I should get up in that some time.


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