how do you spell beast?

July 22, 2007 at 1:41 pm | Posted in aaron d.w., basketball | 1 Comment

me, dusty and clif went to the rocky mountain revue last tuesday at salt lake community college to see the jazz play versus the sonics. pretty exciting stuff, right? kevin durant the rookie sensation, paul millsap the local favorite, jeff green – some guy on seattle, and dee brown. i’m a big fan of the rocky mountain revue in general and i was super excited for this game. but i was also nervous because jazz games at 7:30p seem to get a little crowded. we started off by picking a spot that we thought would stay pretty uncrowded. we even tried to take up two rows so we’d be comfortable. eventually we gave up since every spot became super crowded and we were feeling okay about being around a lot of people. until these recently post-puberty 16-year-olds with their learner’s permits in their pockets showed up right behind us. they started yelling immediately. here are some of their “jokes” which for the record greg liked a lot when i told them to him later. he probably thinks sportscenter is way funny too.

“you’re not in texas anymore, kevin. oh snap.”
“that guy has the vertical of a credit card.”
“if i was shooting free throws by kevin durant i would tell him that i could fit him in my calves.”
“his hands are as slick as his hair.”

section dedicated to ripley:
those jokes were actually better than 90% of what they said.
believe it, or not.

so john millsap played on the jazz’s revue team. he’s paul millsap’s little brother, so little millsap is a pretty good but obvious nickname. every single time that someone on the jazz had the ball that these prom queens didn’t recognize they said, “i see a little millsap.” but the real little millsap would be on the bench. it probably happened on the order of 10 to the 4th power times.

then there was the issue of combining dee for dee brown and D for defense together in sentences on every position. “dee with the D.” “look at dee’s D.” “play some D, dee.” “good D, dee.” “dee’s got D.” and so on.

beast.jpgthe very worst though was that they would call everyone on the court a beast. mostly dee brown and paul millsap. but it’s hard to tell you how they said beast. the b is pretty quiet. it’s a b, but it’s sort of in between a b and a v. also, there’s a slight “uh” sound before the beast. so it’s like, buh-east. but the “buh” is very minimal. and the “east” is said in a deep voice and it originates clear down in the lungs. every time that either of them ever did anything they said, “what a beast.” correction: one of them would say it and then the other 3 would say it right after. i tried glaring at them. it didn’t work. dusty said very loudly that they were the biggest douches he’d ever met. that didn’t work either. they probably call each other beasts during foods class when they crack an egg or light the gas oven.

in case you’re wondering about actual sports, dee brown played fantastic. jeff green was phenomenal. and kevin durant was a disappointment.

i think the saddest thing in the world is that the stupiditeens have tens of classmates who will encourage them to keep up their personalities in their yearbooks with the statement, “don’t ever change.” my advice to them is “don’t ever sit behind me again or i’ll probably cut your face with a knife.”

why does this feel so appealing

July 19, 2007 at 11:34 pm | Posted in brian, meta | 5 Comments

when bored, i sometimes randomly search through other sports blogs. it’s kind of like sizing up our competition, except i don’t think of blogging as competitive.  actually i do it on the off-chance that i’ll come up with an idea to write about for our blog.  here’s what i came up with today:

i stumbled across this bullshit site that gives your (in this case our) blog a mpaa styled rating.  this blog received a g rating.  g?  i guess i haven’t been swearing enough.  and i haven’t made a hand job joke in over a year.

but i’m still surprised about the g rating.  i decided to test how accurate this rating system is.  here’s some ratings for blogs associated with a few of our contributors:

we will die, hurrah (dusty): g
dear jesus (whitney and me): r for murder and danger
look out pres. clinton! (aaron): pg for stealing and crack
modern, serious dating is dead (becky, lee and me): r for death and sex
killer buds pick of the week (everyone): pg for shit and corpses
fight tv (fight): nc-17 for fuck, guns, fucker and suck

Rocky Mountain Blues

July 18, 2007 at 1:23 pm | Posted in baseball, basketball, whitney | 1 Comment

I was so excited for the rocky mountain review tomorrow…
Millsap rocky mountain review
(and millsap is my favorite…the good old rookie from Louisiana…)

But, once again the world is conspiring against me and I’m going to have to tough it out with this guy:
The Godfather

The summer is the worst time for sports. Because baseball is awesome, but in July – with the sun reflecting off the metal stands and the blind guy starting to come to Owlz games, too! – it starts to lose its charm. Plus no one even goes to watch the game. At least in the minor minor minor leagues, people are just going to “The Home of the Owlz” (as they try to bully sports writers into calling it) as a date opportunity. It’s like Cafe Rio times 550 (or Comedy Sportz times 762).

getting married at a baseball game

I can’t wait until October.

it must be true that the world is a joke

July 16, 2007 at 12:15 am | Posted in brian, tennis | Leave a comment

since it’s summer, most of my sports viewing is of the tennis variety. like all televised sports, tennis suffers from a lack of nick-naming creativity. of the top of my head i can’t think of any interesting or funny tennis nickname. or any tennis nickname. mcenroe calls gonzalez gonzo and everybody calls nadal rafa. but gonzo is a lazy nickname and rafa is just nadal’s first name. so i guess it’s up to us to come up with tennis nicknames.

fight thinks we should call nadal danielson.

there’s a pretty serious resemblance there and i’m not just talking about their headbands.

i was thinking about calling roddick brody.  it’s essentially a shortening of his last name while linking him with frat boys (since they’re always calling each other bro) since he maybe slept with paris hilton, wears a while baseball cap and drives a lexus.

anyone have any other ideas?

Where are they now?

July 15, 2007 at 11:54 pm | Posted in brian, greg, misc | Leave a comment

The spotlight cast by the sports media is said to provide longevity to certain individuals who have excelled in their respective sports. Unfortunately (for these sports “heros”), the reality is that the media spotlight is fleeting.

I would like to begin a series of articles dedicated to briefly regaining that spotlight.

Dale Earnhardt (not junior)

Known for his success in the NASCAR Winston Cup Series, Earnhardt won seventy-six individual races and seven championships during his career. A few of the many accolaids Dale earnhardted :

-1979 Rookie of the Year

-Four-time IROC Champion

-Motorsports Hall of Fame Inductee (2002)

-International Motorsports Hall of Fame Inductee (2006)

Without a doubt Dale Earnhardt was a great race car driver during his career, but the point of this article is to find out what he’s up to now.

Where is Dale Earnhardt now? He’s Dead.

RIP big E.

Barbaro (the horse)

He captured our imagination and our hearts. Then our hearts and imagination broke when his leg did. That was one sad day. And it only got sadder since they had to euthanize him. I think they should outlaw rodeos and horse racing. If you don’t agree, then you’ll have to live with a lot of blood on your hands and hearts.

roger federer, champion of the world

July 10, 2007 at 1:21 pm | Posted in aaron d.w., tennis | 15 Comments

rogerf.jpgthey gave him a pair of white slacks. roger said that next year he’s playing only in white slacks and a black hat. they said no to the black hat because they’re white supremacists at wimbledon. anyways, the commentator said that next year they will have to give him a white hat. hopefully a white top hat. then the following year he can play with only a white top hat on. but the way nadal looked, they might not have to worry about what to give him next year.

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