malaria: that’s ok, you go through things like that

August 3, 2007 at 11:39 pm | Posted in brian, football (american) | 1 Comment

this is what i heard about chris simms the other day: he’s having proprioception problems since his surgery to remove a rupture spleen.

side-note: what do you think of the phrase “ruptured spleen?” it’s pretty poetic, right? it sounds similar to an appendix bursting, but maybe a little more violent like a volcano. and it also hints at the mystery of the spleen. supposedly we don’t need it (although dr. dino says we need everything god equipped us with including the things some evolutionary biologists claim are irrelevant hold-overs from earlier periods in our evolutionary history like wisdom teeth and appendices), so a ruptured spleen may be a manifestation of a micro-organism conspiracy.

back to chris simms. for all of our readers not in a fantasy football league, simms was the bucaneers qb last year until his spleen ruptured. he’s kind of a pretty boy — his blond straight hair and his dow-eyed expressions — the kind of guy all the girls i knew in sixth grade thought of as a dreamboat. he’s also the son of phil simms who also played qb and won a superbowl that i watched in my grandma’s living room. the score at halftime was 10 to 9. i didn’t see the halftime show because that’s when we had sunday dinner, but i didn’t care since i was 9 and coudln’t give a fuck about halftime shows. this may have been a conversation i had the next day:

bill murdock: did you see that halftime show?

me: i don’t give a fuck about halftime shows!

side-note: one time i kicked bill murdock in the stomach a couple weeks after he had his appendix removed. we were playing football and i was pissed off cause he kept tackling me even though it was touch football so when he came to tackle me again i kicked him in the stomach and then scored a touchdown. bill was ok, but it was honestly one of the meanest things i ever did in my life.

so chris simms’s spleen is fine. or rather he had his spleen removed and supposedly you don’t really need one (although, to be fair to dr. dino, people who have their spleens removed generally end up with slightly-weaker immune systems). simms’s current problem is with his proprioception; chirs simms no longer knows where his arm is unless he’s looking at it. according to my limited research, simms started having this problem after he lost a bunch of weight while recovering from his spleen-removal surgery. sure it’s sad, but at least simms, unlike most of us, gets to personally understand what proprioception is and isn’t. plus he’s still rich.


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  1. if you rearrange the letters of biologist you can spell bigot. because they hate the way god created adam and eve.

    with the extra letter you can spell oils. but i don’t care about that.

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