more home runs, less violent crime

August 6, 2007 at 10:36 am | Posted in aaron d.w., baseball | 1 Comment

barry_bonds.jpgprobably everyone in america has heard by now that barry bonds hit home run #755 yesterday or the day before or something. barry bonds is one of the greatest baseball players of his era. he won the mvp 7 times, received the gold glove 8 times, received the silver slugger 12 times, and made 14 all-star appearances. on top of that, he’s one of only four players to have 40 home runs and 40 stolen bases in a season, called a 40-40. he’s the only player in the career 400-400 club (and 500-500).

he was drafted by the pirates and debuted with them in 1986. he signed with the san francisco giants in 1993 and helped them with 103 games that year. but he’s done so much more than hit home runs for the city of san francisco. he’s reduced violent crime. in 1994 there were 10,937 violent crimes in san francisco and in 1998 there were only 7,409.  even more impressive is the fact that he’s reduced violent crime throughout the state of california. according to the bureau of justice, the number of violent crimes in california increased from 248,370 in 1986 to 345,624 in 1992. in 1993 the number decreased to 336,381 and it has been decreasing steadily ever year until 2005 when there were only 190,178 violent crimes in california.

how does he do it? he’s a super-hero. at night. and during the offseason. that’s why when they play night games he can’t play the next day. it’s just too much wear and tear. barry bonds stops violent crime. his super-power is obviously defense and home-run hitting. that’s how he catches would-be criminals. he uses his gold glove defense to find them and then uses his silver slugger ability to hit a home run right at their stomach. they’re left debilitated and weak until the cops find them later that night or the next morning.

no wonder he’s never tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs. because he never used them. he has a super-power — a supernatural gift to hit home runs. this country has a gold glove to help defend against violent crime. and they choose to accuse him of cheating. the more time he spends at hearings, the less crime he can silver slug. so give him a break and let him do what he does best. save lives by hitting home-runs.

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  1. This is awesome. Can’t believe I haven’t read this until now

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