the thing i like about earth is the range of colors

October 31, 2007 at 12:16 am | Posted in basketball, brian, fespn | Leave a comment

this is older news, but i really haven’t kept up on sports lately. besides watching the occasional college football upset, updating my fantasy football roster and tuning in to single at bats of baseball games for the purpose of betting on homeruns, i have no idea what’s going on in the wide world of sports. but here’s the news: the warriors named stephen jackson captain of the team (actually he’s co-captain with baron davis and my fifth favorite player in the nba, matt barnes). i guess people are all upset because jackson is spending the first seven games suspended not to mention all those other suspension he’s received in his career. and there was that brawl he was involved in. here’s how covered the story:

Webster’s Dictionary defines a captain as “a person of importance or influence in a field.”

Stephen Jackson‘s past might not have put him in that category, but his future certainly will.

who thinks that starting a piece with the webster’s definition of the word you’re talking about is a good idea? it’s been used as a joke so much (at least five time on the simpsons alone), that if this is supposed to be a joke, it isn’t a very funny one. i beginning to think that the biggest problem with espn is laziness. they already dominate sports, so they don’t even try. if you’re doubting me, try watching the monday night football post-game report. they just make it up.

anyway, i think jackson is a good captain choice. i’m going to make him the captian of my fantasy basketball team. jackson just got a new tattoo. it’s two praying hands holding a gun in front of a church. here’s how jackson describes it: “i pray i never have to use it again.”

i’m glad i take drugs, as a doctor and a father

October 25, 2007 at 9:19 am | Posted in baseball, brian | 1 Comment

i hope beckett gets nailed tonight too.  well, that depends on what getting nailed is a euphemism for.  i’m actually watching the game right now.  i think the rockies twelve year-old pitcher is the one getting nailed right now.  and what’s up with all the awful facial hair?  but back to beckett:  fight describes beckett as a bad-ass.  i think i agree with that description, provided fight and i have the same definition of bad-ass.  maybe we should make the definition of bad-ass be beckett.  so from now on if i call someone a bad-ass it’s because (s)he reminds me of beckett (who i think is an idiot, i mean, what’s up with those stupid necklaces?).

but mostly i’m not paying attention to this game.  i think the red sox have already scored a dozen times and i can only remember the opening homerun.  i have noticed a lot of bank commercials.  and chevy commercials.  and anti-steriod commercials.  and i noticed the opening song: john williams conducting the boston philharmonic in some version of america arranged specifically for this world series.

have you noticed how sometimes fox transitions between live game footage and replays with this moving transformer graphic?

i think this game’s going to be rained out.  i also think beckett is addicted to painkillers, just like vince vaughn.   do you think he trims his beard himself?  who pays more for haircuts, beckett or john edwards?  (jokes about john edwards’ haircut?  what is it, like seven months ago?)  but seven strikeouts in the fourth, that’s pretty good.

i don’t get this taco bell commercial.  rules for single men to live by?  devo?  i also don’t understand these iphone commercials.  the stories are bullshit and they obviously using actors.

the ramones “i wanna be sedated” brought us back to the game.

fenway park is, according to the guy who’s not joe buck, a national treasure.  i also learned that it’s only been in the last few years that fans have been able to sit on the green monster.  i maybe agree with the guy who called fenway a national treasure provided that we have the same definition of a national treasure.  fenway is easily the best ballpark ever.  but it moslty makes me sad.  i imagine there was this architect who one day came up with this idea for a baseball field.  “we’ll have the left-field wall be 100 feet tall!” he said.  everyone laughed at him, but his dream came true.  but you have to remember that for every success story like this, there were at least 100 other architects who had just as awesome ideas for baseball parks who never saw their dreams fulfilled and died peniless and alone.

rookie of the year: “jeepers, i wish i could tell these guys that my arm healed and i’m back to normal.”

i think joe buck really misses troy aikman.   joe buck’s a regular sportscasting renaissance man: he does football and baseball and maybe some other sports.  everytime you hear joe buck away from his football commentating partner, troy aikman, you can just feel the pain of separation.  joe buck is a professional, so he brings it every night, but there’s nothing like the way him and troy stare at each other.  true love.

Maybe Manny’s Got a Point…There’s Always Next Year

October 19, 2007 at 3:46 am | Posted in baseball, whitney | 3 Comments

Don’t worry. The Red Sox will win tonight.

For one thing:
They’ve got Beckett’s gf singing the National Fucking Anthem! You’ll notice her neutral colored baseball cap, but you’ll also notice her hott bod:
Danielle Peck
If she’s doing anything like that pre-game, I think we can count on this ugly bastard
Joshua Beckett
to be pretty pumped up (where is Dice-K’s skills when you need them??? At least someone we can look out without barfing cat vomit…wait…cats barfing human vomit?…I’m not sure how that goes…anyway, he’s bad looking.)

Also, based on their active roster, the Sox have about 197.69lbs on the Indians. That means each Red Sox team member, on average, has about 2.89 lbs on each Indian team member. Based on their starting line-up from Tuesday, the average Indian weighs about 196.67, while the average Sox weighs about 202.22. And this is based on the stats from the official MLB website. You’re telling me that this tubster
the fatty
Weighs only 200lbs, while this bean pole
skinny little dude
Weighs 190? A ten pound difference?? I don’t know if they’re trying to spin Manny as small and quicker, or Lofton as younger and tougher. But something’s wrong here.

Anyway, where I come from (Denmark, mostly) the more weight the better. Okay, exaggeration, but considering that great three homer spectacle on Tuesday, I’m counting on the Red Sox to start pounding the hell out of that ball, the way heavyweights should. Either that, or start swinging their guts a little quicker around those bases. Lofton is stealing on their asses like a bat out of hell.
bat out of hell

That’s what I get

October 11, 2007 at 10:55 pm | Posted in clif, football (american), Uncategorized | 1 Comment


Through some sort of mind control – or, more sinsterly, the allure of fantasy points – I let slip my life-long disdain for the Dallas Cowboys this season. I’ve hated the Cowboys for as long as I can remember, and I had hated Tony Romo (thanks to the help of a faux Drew Bledsoe and his delightful blog) since he took the helm as their starting quarterback.

But when Mr. Underwood fell to me in the ninth round of the draft, it made perfect business sense to pick him, despite the protests of my heart. “I can have him on my team and still hate him,” I told myself, “No problem.”

But the folks at Cosmo were right: success is sexy.

That magnificent bastard started racking up points and my heart melted. I found myself swooning at his ample stats and saliviting at the sight of his oh-so-easy weekly matchups. I even found pleasure in seeing the Cowboys win; something I’d never done before. So, when I found myself down by 40-some points this week I couldn’t help but smile, for I still had my gallant gun-slinger and his trusty receiver on my bench. Forty points? A trifle.

I won’t recap last night’s game, but I will tell you this: with every Romo turnover, he removed a piece from the base of the Jenga tower of trust that we, together, had built. All that’s left now is dissappointed rubble further weighing down the loathing I had felt for so long.

So, I’d just like to say, thank you for the valuable lesson, Cowboys and R(H)omo, and go screw yourselves.

utah juniors #6

October 1, 2007 at 11:46 am | Posted in aaron d.w., football (american) | Leave a comment

this is pretty late and no longer interesting (if it ever was), but the only university of utah football game that i’ve been to in my whole life has been the best one this year — the one where they killed u.c.l.a.  every game fight has ever been to they’ve lost.  i don’t want to say that all the ones i’ve been to they’ve won because i’ve only been to one.  and most likely is doesn’t have any impact.

red_6.jpgso i got to the game and i was ready to be a pretty passive football fan.  i have a hard time getting really into sporting events unless ostertag is playing.  then i yell things like, “i love you, ostertag!!” when it’s quiet because he’s shooting free throws.  when i got there the marching band was playing and i was wishing that i’d gotten there later.  then they sang the national anthem and i really regretted not getting there later.  so during the national anthem one of the security guards (of sorts) came over and told the kid next to me to take his hat off.  the kid asked if he had to, and the security guy said that if he respected the flag he had to.  so the kid told the guard that his grandfather fought in world war 2 in order to insure that his grandkids could wear baseball caps whenever they want and to stop fascism like making people take hats off.  the security guy left pretty upset.  so during the 2nd quarter he got the mascot to come over and take off the kid’s hat and throw it to someone else in the crowd.  after his stunt he gave a thumbs up to the security guard and left.  i was getting pretty excited because i always have these sorts of face-offs with mascots and i thought it would soon lead to that.  instead, the kid next to me went to the head security office and reported the security guy.  five minutes later the guard was replaced and we didn’t see him anymore.  i wanted to give the mascot a thumbs up, but he didn’t look at me.

utah-juniors.jpgthe other best thing about the game is that i wore this shirt that i bought at the d.i. earlier in the week.  it’s red with the number 6 on front and back and on front it says utah juniors.  so i thought it would be funny to wear.  when i got there i borrowed a program from somebody and looked up #6 so i’d know who my favorite player obviously was.  turns out his name is mack.  i told my friend nathan that mack is my favorite player and  he informed me that #6 was the starting running back after the season-ending injury from two weeks before.  then as it happened, mack played really great and scored like 2 touchdowns or something.  every time he did something i pretended like he really was my favorite player and that i’d worn the shirt to support him.  i would hold up the number and jump around when he scored so the people around me would know that i knew all along that he’s a star.  it worked even better than i imagined and i soon became his #1 fan.  i was sort of the leader of all the mack fans.  at one point i started chanting “big mack, big mack” and the cheer caught on in the whole section around me.  and i was probably the only one there who thought the chant was more of a burn than anything.  but i pretended that i like big macs and #6 mack equally.

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