speed has conquered space

February 24, 2008 at 10:57 pm | Posted in basketball, brian | 2 Comments

i hope i didn’t already name a post this. see, i keep this notebook and one of the things i keep in the notebook are possible titles for blogs. i forgot why i thought it was an interesting title, but it was in the list. i think it has something to do with airplanes and emails and possibly quantum transference.

i saw an interview with korver conducted by one of the local news shows. i know there have been korver interviews everyday since he was traded to the jazz, but this one was really weird. i couldn’t find it online (but i did find this one which has boller staring into korver’s naked chest).

the korver interview

korver was interviewed by shauna lake in the channel 2 news studio. korver dressed casually and was totally nervous. for some reason, he has holding a pillow over his lap. lake’s chair was at least a foot taller than korver’s. the topic wasn’t basketball, but more of a get to know you interview. at one point korver went on about how big of an influence growing up in a strong christian family was (now if he’d just convert to mormonism, everyone watching the interview thought). he was also asked about his favorite bands: linkin park and pearl jam, you know, stuff to pump you up before a big game.

then the interview shifted to sex appeal. korver is currently the hottest sex-symbol in utah sports. and it’s not just the guys who love him, but the ladies too.

lake: some people say you look just like ashton kutchner [cut to side by side pictures of korver and kuthcner], how do you feel about being a sex symbol?
korver: uncomfortable. very uncomfortable.

and this wasn’t some kind of humble answer, korver was totally uncomfortable. or at least he looked to be. i interviewed my brother to make sure.

the aaron interview

me: do you like halloween?
aaron: it’s ok.
me: do you ever dress up?
aaron: yeah.
me: what was your best costume?
aaron: one year i dressed up as ash catchem from pokemon but everyone thought i was dressed as ashton kutchner.
me: how did that make you feel?
aaron: uncomfortable. very uncomfortable.

back to the korver interview.  lake also found out that korver is currently single and then had hear four year-old kid bring korver a cookie.  after the interview, lake was sexually harassed on air by dave fox the sports anchor.  i think he was jealous that lake was crushin’ so hard on korver while she always turns down fox’s drunken passes.

i’ve never seen algorithms so complex

February 18, 2008 at 11:17 am | Posted in basketball, brian | Leave a comment

here’s a serious question: why do they always play the national anthem before many formal sporting events?

these uniforms are confusing.  i can never tell who is on whose team.

are there even people at this game?  what about celebrities?  the game seems eerily quiet.  i can hear one lone screamer and it’s unnerving.  the excitement after the alley-oop lasted only a moment.  d wade’s even laying it in on fastbreaks.  air ball.  i really think the uniforms are negatively effecting the players, audience and me.  back-dork by lbj (back-dork is the new name for back-court).  kobe’s on ice.  nothing is happening.

what is reggie miller talking about?

new simpsons: good or bad?  i bet bad but am hoping for good.  i’ll let you know.

did you hear about that spy satellite that’s malfunctioning?  yeah, i hear they’re going to blow it out of the sky with a ten million dollar missile.  that’s money well spent; sorry about the mess.  they really call it a spy satellite.  a relic of the cold war.

they’re talking this kidd trade shit in the middle of the game.  are you kidding me?  who cares?  does tnt realize they’re showing a basketball game?

that was a nice steal by iverson.  that steal was nice too.

the simpsons was terrible, i watched the commercials of the basketball game instead.  they’re pushing the shit out of that basketball movie.

bets on mvp of the all star game: fight thinks it’ll either be lbj or howard; i think chrissy p or ai.

it’s half-time.

you should see the glasses this lady is wearing in nightrider.  she’s a scientist.  now there’s a three-some, now a surfing montage followed by a super-sexy shower montage and it all took 15 seconds.  and she’s a topless lesbian sleeping with a cop.  they’re both cops.  maybe even partners.  now a car just called the scientist on the phone.  the code word is — night. i think the car’s voice is really generated by a computer.  and the bad guy has a fake british accent.

it’s still half-time.

the west is getting killed.  i think it’s cause their jerseys are somehow uglier than the east’s.  and cause centers are dead, dead weight.  get rid of them if you want to win.  this isn’t 1985, it’s the future.

so there are situations where the car needs a human.  and the scientist thinks the car is actually her dead father.  she’s having a hard time accepting his death.  “she teaches at stanford.”  “is she hot?”  he’s got a serious crush on her.  the car is programmed to find the scientists ex-boyfriend.  he’s the guy who was having a threesome earlier.  holy shit, this car just transformed.  i think it’s going 500 miles an hour.

oh, it’s just a big promo for ford.  you could win your own talking car.  the car has a definition of the word sadness, but he’ll never know what it feels like.  there’s a lot of paranoia.  and the car is also a psychiatrist.  “that does . . . suck.”  now they’re in las vegas.  nothing’s too ambitious for a pilot episode.  and hank jennings from twin peaks is in this show.

back at the game it’s all sneaker and sports drink commercials.  the west are down by thirteen going into the fourth. paul’s fake-pass-dribble, amare’s power-dunk and the margin is down to five.

wait, now her father isn’t even really dead.  the car and the main actor are in a ford commercial.

the west is up, what’s lbj going to do?  airball.  now him and chrissy are fighting:

chrissy p: i’m mvp!
lbj: no, i’m mvp!

things are heating up.  what would that boller say?  something about buckling up for safety?

that car doesn’t understand women.  i think nash is stoned: “no, there was a lady who threw a towel at me.  i think she needs to work on her arm strength.”  then he said his shoes were made of trash.  is he wearing recycled shoes?  don’t let his pot-smoking fool you, he just a coporate tool?  allen’s raining, three in a row.  neither fight nor i saw him as an mvp possibility, but he’s looking good.

“i need your phone, or a computer.”

paul ties it with a three.   allen misses a three.   turnover by dirk.   lbj straight to the rim.   offensive foul on paul.   wade with a chance at a three point play.  it’s gonna take a lot for paul to win his mvp.  looks like i’m out a dollar.

i work for nighthawk investigations

February 13, 2008 at 4:45 am | Posted in basketball, brian | 2 Comments

i hated the lakers my entire life.  maybe not hated, but i used to think they were stupid, then i thought they were funny, then i hated them more than i’ve ever hated any team and now i may like them.  that sentence lasted twenty-so-odd years; let me explain. 

i was just a little boy when it was showtime:  i kind of liked abdul-jabbar because of his name and goggles; i could never get into byron scott even though i thought we were both from ogden, utah; i always thought james worthy, rather than ac green was the preacher and virgin due to the implied holiness of the worthy name; i never trusted magic johnson.  most importantly, i knew, even as an eight year-old, that pat riley’s haircut was stupid.

then magic got hiv and everyone else retired.  the lakers were left with vlade divac and nick van exel.  then magic became the coach for like a week then resigned because he pushed a ref right after he publicly trashed on nick van exel for bumping into a ref.  those were good laker times.

then i stopped paying attention to basketball for a couple of years.  when i came back to basketball, the lakers were unstoppable.  kobe and shaq and phil and horry and lil’ fisher and all the celebrities at the home games.  mostly i hate teams that win all the time, especially when they seem to get all the calls.  i do have two great memories related to these lakers: (1) iverson going off on the lakers and winning game one of the finals in overtime and (2) when the pistons destroyed the superstar lakers (grandpa malone and grandpa payton) in the finals.

now I may like them.  they’ve still got lil’ luke walton and phil jackson and there are always a billion idiots at their games, but they’ve got quite a few positives.  there’s the lighting of the lakers home games that make every game seem less like a basketball game and more like a play about a basketball game.  then there’s odom who with the addition of gasol may finally become the player I always knew he had inside.  then there’s the soon to be best friends of radmanovic, vujavic and gasol all growing out their hair and beards.  i’m not saying the lakers are my favorite team, but if they’re in a playoff series against the spurs, i know who I’m cheering for.

You’re a Champion, Brother!

February 5, 2008 at 1:42 am | Posted in misc, Uncategorized, whitney | Leave a comment

I agree with Brian: more hunks! Which is why I have been tuning in every week to this little retro gem:american gladiators (Ok, so these aren’t the <i>actual</i> gladiators that I’ve been watching, but after minutes of a really depressing scan through google images, I decided this is close enough.  Trust me, you get the general idea) This new season of American Gladiators comes on just before this great new game show about ruining lives with lie-detector tests that I watch obsessively and immorally. Finally, the corporate giants of NBC recognized the lack of jobs for female body builders (the dudes can go into politics, so how’s that fair?) and brought back everyone’s favorite Nerf-based obstacle show. Writer’s strike, Shmiter’s strike. The Gladiators will not be stopped!  Hosted by everyone’s favorite brother, Hulk Hogan, and some other lady, American Gladiators continues to dazzle and amaze 20-somethings with feats of conveyor belt running, tennis ball dodging, and fire swimming .wolf This guy likes to sniff his competetors. That’s his thing because he’s called “The Wolf.” Also, he howls. crush And this is the one my boyfriend loves. I think it’s the asymmetrical hair and husky voice. Plus, her name’s Crush, so she kind of demands it.  Helga kind of looks like this: helga  And as one lovely and articulate comment pointed out: “she is one nasty lookin girl, i wouldnt hit it with a dump truck” To which a delightful fan responded: “hey these women are hott and very sexy but they are tough athletes that hold the true name of american gladiators…for those of you that say she’s big..hell ya she is Bet she could whoop your ***! She is solid woman baby!” So, as you can see, tensions run high on the Helga message board. To solve the controversy I will point out that one time she was yanked off a platform backwards into the water and we saw her Swedish underpants. So, clearly, she’s awesome and sexy and I would hit it. With a golf cart, even.

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