rex chapman for prez

July 2, 2008 at 10:24 pm | Posted in aaron d.w., basketball, Uncategorized | 3 Comments

so it’s an election year and i’ve been thinking about who i should vote for. it’s a really tough decision every time, since i don’t believe in voting, and this year is no different. i’m supposed to be in love with barack obama because i’m a male in my 20’s and he’s supposedly a hip, young, and cool advocate for social change. but i’m not. i mean, obama did play basketball in high school, and i’m a basketball fan. but big deal. the best basketball player i’ve ever personally known named brandon didn’t play basketball in high school, and i don’t think i’d vote for him for president. on the other hand, john mccain is a war vet, just like the sports specter pat tillman. unfortunately for mccain, i don’t believe in war or vets or ghosts. i can vote for nader again, and everyone can just tell me again that it’s a wasted vote. but then brian said that if he gets 5% of the populace vote that he’ll receive federal funding next election. plus, ralph nader founded the league of fans, which is an organization that fights for the rights of sports spectators. (in 2002, nader wrote a letter to david stern addressing the lopsided calling of fouls in that lakers-sacramento game that’s making news again with tim donaghy. for a recent article on nader as a sports fan, click here.) the decision of who to vote for became even harder for me when i realized that i could write in shaq.

as far as i know, shaquille o’neal is not planning on going into politics. he wants to be a police officer or deputy or detective or something. he has a master’s in criminal justice (he brings law and order to the court), so he’s more suited for a run in the judicial system. (actually, his master’s is in business administration.) so he’s not making a push for the presidency this year. but shaq has a charismatic public personality. during interviews he’s always cracking jokes and wearing (top) hats. both things that make you think, “if only he were running for president.” he’s been a consistent figure in public service over the last few years. when he got to miami, he became a u.s. deputy marshal. “I put a lot into it, and when I am done playing, I plan on going undercover and then being the sheriff or chief of police somewhere.” it wasn’t his fault, but he was on the team that served a child porn warrant to the wrong house. and i guess he was also accused of using excessive physical force in questioning a suspect. as a volunteer. but if the miami police department can forgive him, so can i. so then he got traded to the suns. and became a volunteer for the police department out there. nothing scandalous, just good old fashioned volunteer law enforcement. these are the kinds of things that were making me lean towards voting for shaq.

well, up until he got his phoenix volunteer badge and his two miami deputy badges revoked. for swearing. and making fun of kobe. in a free-style rap in new york. a video of the rap showed up on tmz. and now beford says they want their badges back. so where does that leave me? not voting for shaq, that’s for sure. i was going to write him in. i really was. i was telling everyone. but then he swore. and i don’t condone snap judgements, but swearers don’t make good presidents. shaq is going to have to do a lot of good p.r. work in order to get back in the good graces of the american voting public.

so now i’m probably back to voting for nader. but i’m still open to suggestions. especially since rex chapman hasn’t officially withdrawn from his presidential candidacy. by which i mean that he hasn’t said that people shouldn’t write him in. which is a viable option, considering he made this shot once:

so obama better watch out. i bet he’s never made a buzzer beater.

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what day is it

June 26, 2008 at 1:35 am | Posted in basketball, brian | 2 Comments

i got this text from dusty:

boozer to miami for the number two pick!?  do it do it do it

i responded with:

is that a serious rumor?  would the jazz draft mayo?

(i had a hard time sending this text because i thought rumor was spelled roomer and couldn’t figure out why my phone wouldn’t recognize it.  also, mayo’s nickname is either the tramp or the great dictator.  i mean, as long as he keeps his mustache.)

dusty’s response:

it’s a fan fantasy i think, but it’s real that miami is interested in boozer.  i think the jazz would only do it if they can get beasely

(i can’t believe i forgot about beasley.  beasley on the jazz?  are you kidding me?  that would be so great.)

my respones: b on the jazz would be so awesome

(i didn’t want to take the time to spell out beasley.  if there’s one thing i hate to do, it’s manually spell out words that the predictive text doesn’t automatically recognize.)

dusty’s response:

best trade ever.

i snooped around the internet looking for confirmations and details.  here’s how the trade would supposedly go down: the jazz trade boozer, collins and the 23rd pick for mark blount and the second pick.  with the second pick the jazz would (hopefully) draft beasley.  but, knowing miller’s aversion to players with perceived “character issues,” i wouldn’t be surprised if the jazz passed on beasley to draft someone terrible like lopez or love.  but maybe i’m being too hard on the jazz’s front office.  their drafting has gotten remarkably better in the past few years — da wilderness, brewer, cj and millie.  so who knows; maybe the jazz will have an even cooler team than last years.

but, realistically, this trade isn’t going to happen.  no trades ever happen.

and in tennis news

June 24, 2008 at 11:35 pm | Posted in aaron d.w., basketball, tennis | 2 Comments

the raptors want to trade t.j. ford. they’re ready to go with jose calderon as their point guard. supposedly they were going to trade ford and rasho nesterovic for jermaine o’neal. which i think would have been a mistake. but mostly because i don’t like the pacers and i do like t.j. ford. so if they’re interested in keeping me happy, indiana and toronto made the right move in stopping the negotiations. i’m not a knicks fan or anything, and i’m certainly not a mike d’antoni fan, but i think the knicks should try to get t.j. ford. he could just run all over the place. or i think the hawks should. but they just got mike bibby. or maybe the trailblazers.  as guess as long as he doesn’t land on his neck again i’ll be glad that he’s still playing.  even if he’s playing on a team i don’t like.

deron williams and carlos boozer are on the usa olympic team.  i still think iverson should be on the team, but i’m glad they went with williams.  i think boozer might be an olympic dud, but maybe i’ll be wrong.  even if boozer is on the jazz, he still went to duke, so there’s plenty about him to not like so much.  especially since he never responded to brian’s suggestion that he take on the nickname slambidunkxtrous.

rafael nadal played his opening match of wimbledon this morning against andreas beck.  i kept thinking he was playing against john beck, but i think he wouldn’t have dropped a point against john beck.  or against jon schmidt.  if one of the sets was a piano competition, i still think nadal might win.  i don’t know if nadal has ever played the piano, but i’m sure i’d like him as a piano player.  i’m biased though.  i think i would root for nadal in anything.  and i know that i would root against jon schmidt in everything.  like if he was up against cancer (even just skin cancer) or something, i’d root for cancer.  so nadal won 6-4, 6-4, 7-6.  he didn’t face a break point all day, and was (clearly) totally dominant on his serve.  but his return game left a lot to be desired.  he was on the defense during beck’s service throughout the morning.  only 2 breaks.  anyways, they went to tiebreak in the 3rd set and nadal beat beck 7-0.  it’s just the first round, and it’s not nadal’s favorite surface, so i think he’ll get more return confidence.  his next round matchup is against a big server, so hopefully he figures that out quick.

the williams sisters won.  they both looked really good.  venus was playing really well, i thought.  and serena played in a trenchcoat.  well, she warmed up for like 2 minutes in a trenchcoat and then took it off.  i think that a williams sisters final would be awesome.  i would root for venus.  they’re doing a piece on lindsay davenport.  how she lost to venus in the 2005 final 4-6,7-6,9-7.  then some really touching music came on.  you know, kind of like the where amazing happens music, but more touching.  and it showed davenport’s baby and she said that tennis isn’t her top priority anymore.  i wonder if her baby will be a tennis player.  or a piano player.  i wonder if lindsay davenport has ever met jon schmidt.  somehow that guy is “semi-popular” outside of utah as well.  that’s something i just don’t get.  they just said her husband’s name is jonathan.  makes you wonder.

so federer showed up to wimbledon with a cardigan that has and “F” on the chest.  and it has 5 buttons.  one for every wimbledon championship.  i don’t remember how many buttons his jacket had at the french open.  but i do remember how many french open championships he has.  dis.  anyways, i like federer.  i don’t get why everyone thinks that he’s struggling so much.  so he lost to djokavic in the australian open and to nadal in the french open.  big deal.  djokavic is playing really well and nadal is the best clay-court player ever.  so coming into wimbledon everyone was talking about how this is the year because federer is on the way down.  but he hasn’t lost a grass court match since like 2004 or something.  i think 60 straight grass court matches.  not only is federer probably the best tennis player in history, he’s for sure the best grass court player in history.  so i don’t know what people are talking about.  i mean, i think nadal is going to make him work for it.  if they face off in the final, i’m hoping for another match like last year’s.  but still, it’s federer.  and he’s the one to beat.  but even if you’re roger federer, you don’t have to buy into how you’re supposed to wear something classy to wimbledon.  wimbledon dress-code is worse than the nba dress-code which is racist.  wimbledon tries to make you remember that you’re not supposed to play tennis unless you’re rich.  i guess you don’t play wimbledon unless you’re rich.  or rather, as soon as you win wimbledon you’re rich.  and then you can buy cardigans to wear.  so despite everyone worrying about roger’s focus and his abilities, he cruised to victory in the first round.  i don’t want to look up the score.  he won in an hour and 19 minutes.

oh yeah, and sharapova won.  her dog gave her the signal to eat a banana partway through the second set.

it’s all (fucking) entertainment

May 30, 2008 at 1:15 am | Posted in basketball, brian | 2 Comments

everybody knows, or everybody who has read this blog or talked to me about basketball, that allen iverson is my favorite player ever.  sometimes i feel like the only reason basketball has any meaning for me is (in)directly related to allen iverson.  but if there is one guy in the league whose coolness is up their with iverson’s, it’s rasheed wallace.

i found this quote attributed to rasheed wallace:

“all that bull(shit)-ass calls they had out there. with mike and kenny [i’m guessing those guys are refs] — you’ve all seen that (shit). you saw them calls. the cats are flopping all over the floor and they’re calling that (shit). that (shit) ain’t basketball out there. it’s all (fucking) entertainment. you all should know that (shit). it’s all (fucking) entertainment.”

the quote i found had bleeps in the parenthesis, but i took the liberty of decoding the bleeps.

i found the rasheed quote while reading about the latest nba news: starting next year, the league will impose fines for flopping.  or rather, according to the headline of some espn article, fines will be imposed for clear cases of flopping.

the league obviously feels like the flopping problem is the players fault.  but that’s bullshit.  the problem is wildly inconsistent refereeing.  nobody noes what’s a block and what’s a charge.  players are randomly being bailed out as long as they act like they’ve been hacked.  who knows what constitutes a travel?  the league is looking to deflect any criticism and place the blame squarely on the players.  i mean, jeff van gundy has been effectively black-listed from the league for openly criticizing refereeing.  and with no coherent or consistent rules, the phantom of fixed games is ever-present.  and fining players for flopping isn’t going to change any of that.  plus, i’m guessing this rule, like the technical foul rule, will only be selectively enforced.  because it’s all just fucking entertainment.

it’s a lifestyle, baby

May 23, 2008 at 4:53 am | Posted in basketball, brian | Leave a comment

the jazz are done. out of the playoffs. jazz fans are sad or mad. they want kobe dead or dismembered. they hate the lakers more than they already did (which doesn’t even seem possible). but before we all give into a summer of despair, before we focus all are energies on some kind of double-plane crash that kills everyone on the lakers and spurs, let’s take a second and remember the coolest team in jazz history.

i dont know how many people are going to agree with my, but this years jazz was easily my favorite team. i know, back in the nineties the jazz made it to the finals twice in a row, but that team was boring as fuck. john stockton was the only interesting player. malone flopped like ginobli. hornacek had a dumb haircut and wasted all his time sending secret messages to his family. byron russell was ok. ostertag, while cool as a person, wasn’t exactly exciting to watch. who else was on those teams? keefe? shannon anderson? howard eisley? while arguably functional, they were never awe-inspiring. that last sentence actually sums up those teams. outside of stockton taking over games whenever he needed to (like that game six or seven against houston), those jazz teams were totally boring. boring as fuck, as i already mentioned.

but that’s because i dont care at all about winning. i care about how the game looks. and this year’s jazz looked good. deron williams has become as exciting as anybody in the league to watch. he’ll kill you. ronnie brewer finishes every shot around the hoop, especially the off-balanced, double-clutched, reverse lay-ups. ronnie price has turned into such a punk (and i mean that as tremendous compliment). milsap, while mistaken as just a physical rebounder with limited offensive abilities, has these sweet spin moves and drop-steps that come out of nowhere. cj miles, at times, looks like the player i’ve always wished the jazz could have.

but the question is whether next years jazz will look anything like this years. i’m scared that the jazz, whatever moves they make, will ruin the coolness of the team. i mean, they’ll probably draft the lesser of the lopez brothers. talk about boring. hopefully they trade boozer for someone awesome.

i have a difficult time imagining that, john lennon

May 9, 2008 at 2:10 am | Posted in basketball, brian | Leave a comment

the jazz lost again. ok. whatever. i missed part of the game watching this john sayles written movie about werewolves. not as good as that other movie he wrote about an alligator in the sewer, but it did have a great ending (it was real; she turned into a werewolf and then they shot her). and they showed the part in the original wolfman movie where they read that poem about wolf-bane blooming. the point is i didnt see most of the game.

i’ve heard from numerous coworkers that the commentating on the game was unbearable. i imagine this reaction had something to do with this being the first post-kobe-winning-the-mvp game and the commentators and sports analyst needed to justify the consensus. i’m guessing it was all kobe is so great, he’s really matured, he’s the definition of an mvp, he makes his teammates better. that kind of bullshit. i’m not saying that kobe shouldn’t be the mvp — kobe is amazing; did you see that move where he split two defenders with a spin move and then made a pass behind the defender’s head for an easy dunk? — i’m saying that the mvp award is stupid. winning an mvp award is exactly like winning an oscar except there is less accepted criteria when voting for the mvp.

the part of the commentating that i heard that i would like to take issue with is doug collins talking about how efficient kobe bryant was. he kept saying things like 30 some odd points on fifteen shot attempts is super-efficient. but what he fails to mention is that the shots were kobe gets fouled dont count as shot attempts on the box score. so his efficiency rating, like the mvp award, is meaningless.

i bet the person who took this picture was like “shit man, this is going to win me a pulitzer!”

i forgot what day it is

April 26, 2008 at 3:47 am | Posted in basketball, brian | Leave a comment

did you see deshawn last night?

man, his mohawk is looking good. his beard isn’t bad either. i’ve been trying to figure out deshawn’s ritual after made baskets. as seen in the picture, he always waves his hand in front of his face. could be a signifier of his hot-handedness? like he’s saying, “shit man! this hand is on fire! i’m not gonna miss a single mothafuckin shot!” is it a burn on the defense? like, “you can try and put you’re hand in my face, but i’m still gonna score!” or is it about muscle memory? like, “holy shit! i can’t believe i just made that shot with this hand. it happened automatically.”

here’s my idea: instead of giving everybody zion’s-bank-utah-jazz-one-team-one-dream shirts, everybody at the jazz games should wear white shirts and ties and name badges. missionaries for the church of the utah jazz.  also, they should kick super-fan out of every game.  i mean, where’s his creativity?

matt and i spent half the game arguing about china.  matt thinks the chinese government is forcing chairman yao to fake an injury so he’ll be rested up for the olympics.  i think the usa is just about as fucked up as china.  and matt always calls yao mao.

i know a lot of people, outside of utah, want to see mcgrady win this playoff series since nba analyst and fans are so hard on mcgrady — he’s not a star player, he can’t win big games, he doesn’t have the determination of a champion or whatever.  but i am officially denouncing winning as validation for anything.  that bullshit is for talk radio.

today vegetables . . . tomorrow the world!

April 17, 2008 at 6:47 am | Posted in basketball | 2 Comments

another sports-related email randomly ended up in my email. i don’t think this one is from the future. here it is its entirety:

hey. i wouldn’t worry about betraying kansas. it’s a strange relationship we have with our favorite players and teams. we have so many memories of them — incredible plays, memorable wins, heartbreaking losses, frustrating inconsistency — and they don’t know we exist. or they do but only in an abstract way. for the players, we’re one of many fans (i’m guessing there are all the subsets of fans — (ex)students who go to every game, (ex)students who dont, people who just watch on tv, people who only pay attention in march, ect.); for the college president, athletic director and coaches we’re potential (or actualized) consumers. the point is is that they dont have any idea about us and our individual ways we watch and love/hate sports. so, if you didn’t pick them to win in your brackets, it doesn’t hurt there feelings at all. especially since they won a national championship.

i’m just glad there were no white players in the final. (did you know that kevin love is mike love’s son or nephew? i call him the kokomo kid.) like they’re the second coming of larry bird. the great white hope. it’s no different than 1910.

so i saw steven on monday. he’s on our softball team.

how are things with you?

walking down babylon street

April 15, 2008 at 4:18 am | Posted in basketball | Leave a comment

so the seattle supersonics are moving to oklahoma city. it’s not official, but that’s what everyone is saying. what does a franchise moving to a new city mean for a sports fan? well, unless you live in or around either of the cities involved in the move, it probably means nothing. I mean, we just watch basketball on tv, right? as far as i know, the games are played on the moon. (that reminds me, fight hopes the future of sports – the moon future of sports – will have adjustable gravity levels. imagine that slam dunk contest.) but that’s not the point.

here’s the point: are the sonics going to change their name (and/or colors) when they get to oklahoma city? if so, to what?

here are some suggestions:

the oklahoma city bombers

the oklahoma city dust bowlers

oklahoma!

the oklahoma city land grabbers

i think each of these is an impossibility. the families and friends of the victims of the oklahoma city bombing would probably find the bombers to be insensitive. but you can argue that the bombers refer to jump shooters while still retaining a trace of the supersonic name.

and these basketball players are my favorite basketball players:

allen iverson, rajon rondo, tj ford, jr smith, ronnie brewer, josh smith, gerald wallace, lamar odom, rasheed wallace, gerald green and thaddeus young.

do you remember how you used to play pilgrim’s promise?

April 8, 2008 at 11:23 am | Posted in basketball, brian | 1 Comment

did you see that college basketball championship? i couldn’t believe it! there they are, cutting down the nets and greg gumble’s all like “and there’s some brand of ladder, the official ladder of the ncaa tournament.” and then they played a luther vandross song. televised sports are getting close to unwatchable.

now i’m supposed to write a paragraph about how bad the brackets i filled out did. last place, last place, last place.

katherine hepburn is sure wearing a lot of make up in this little women movie. right now they’re practicing what to do if some guy tries take advantage of them. now they’re singing hymns. is one of the girls blind or am i confusing this with the hellen keller movie or little house on the prarie? is this movie supposed to be a comedy?  that one girl is sure a show-off on the piano.

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