more home runs, less violent crime

August 6, 2007 at 10:36 am | Posted in aaron d.w., baseball | 1 Comment

barry_bonds.jpgprobably everyone in america has heard by now that barry bonds hit home run #755 yesterday or the day before or something. barry bonds is one of the greatest baseball players of his era. he won the mvp 7 times, received the gold glove 8 times, received the silver slugger 12 times, and made 14 all-star appearances. on top of that, he’s one of only four players to have 40 home runs and 40 stolen bases in a season, called a 40-40. he’s the only player in the career 400-400 club (and 500-500).

he was drafted by the pirates and debuted with them in 1986. he signed with the san francisco giants in 1993 and helped them with 103 games that year. but he’s done so much more than hit home runs for the city of san francisco. he’s reduced violent crime. in 1994 there were 10,937 violent crimes in san francisco and in 1998 there were only 7,409.  even more impressive is the fact that he’s reduced violent crime throughout the state of california. according to the bureau of justice, the number of violent crimes in california increased from 248,370 in 1986 to 345,624 in 1992. in 1993 the number decreased to 336,381 and it has been decreasing steadily ever year until 2005 when there were only 190,178 violent crimes in california.

how does he do it? he’s a super-hero. at night. and during the offseason. that’s why when they play night games he can’t play the next day. it’s just too much wear and tear. barry bonds stops violent crime. his super-power is obviously defense and home-run hitting. that’s how he catches would-be criminals. he uses his gold glove defense to find them and then uses his silver slugger ability to hit a home run right at their stomach. they’re left debilitated and weak until the cops find them later that night or the next morning.

no wonder he’s never tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs. because he never used them. he has a super-power — a supernatural gift to hit home runs. this country has a gold glove to help defend against violent crime. and they choose to accuse him of cheating. the more time he spends at hearings, the less crime he can silver slug. so give him a break and let him do what he does best. save lives by hitting home-runs.

how do you spell beast?

July 22, 2007 at 1:41 pm | Posted in aaron d.w., basketball | 1 Comment

me, dusty and clif went to the rocky mountain revue last tuesday at salt lake community college to see the jazz play versus the sonics. pretty exciting stuff, right? kevin durant the rookie sensation, paul millsap the local favorite, jeff green – some guy on seattle, and dee brown. i’m a big fan of the rocky mountain revue in general and i was super excited for this game. but i was also nervous because jazz games at 7:30p seem to get a little crowded. we started off by picking a spot that we thought would stay pretty uncrowded. we even tried to take up two rows so we’d be comfortable. eventually we gave up since every spot became super crowded and we were feeling okay about being around a lot of people. until these recently post-puberty 16-year-olds with their learner’s permits in their pockets showed up right behind us. they started yelling immediately. here are some of their “jokes” which for the record greg liked a lot when i told them to him later. he probably thinks sportscenter is way funny too.

“you’re not in texas anymore, kevin. oh snap.”
“that guy has the vertical of a credit card.”
“if i was shooting free throws by kevin durant i would tell him that i could fit him in my calves.”
“his hands are as slick as his hair.”

section dedicated to ripley:
those jokes were actually better than 90% of what they said.
believe it, or not.

so john millsap played on the jazz’s revue team. he’s paul millsap’s little brother, so little millsap is a pretty good but obvious nickname. every single time that someone on the jazz had the ball that these prom queens didn’t recognize they said, “i see a little millsap.” but the real little millsap would be on the bench. it probably happened on the order of 10 to the 4th power times.

then there was the issue of combining dee for dee brown and D for defense together in sentences on every position. “dee with the D.” “look at dee’s D.” “play some D, dee.” “good D, dee.” “dee’s got D.” and so on.

beast.jpgthe very worst though was that they would call everyone on the court a beast. mostly dee brown and paul millsap. but it’s hard to tell you how they said beast. the b is pretty quiet. it’s a b, but it’s sort of in between a b and a v. also, there’s a slight “uh” sound before the beast. so it’s like, buh-east. but the “buh” is very minimal. and the “east” is said in a deep voice and it originates clear down in the lungs. every time that either of them ever did anything they said, “what a beast.” correction: one of them would say it and then the other 3 would say it right after. i tried glaring at them. it didn’t work. dusty said very loudly that they were the biggest douches he’d ever met. that didn’t work either. they probably call each other beasts during foods class when they crack an egg or light the gas oven.

in case you’re wondering about actual sports, dee brown played fantastic. jeff green was phenomenal. and kevin durant was a disappointment.

i think the saddest thing in the world is that the stupiditeens have tens of classmates who will encourage them to keep up their personalities in their yearbooks with the statement, “don’t ever change.” my advice to them is “don’t ever sit behind me again or i’ll probably cut your face with a knife.”

roger federer, champion of the world

July 10, 2007 at 1:21 pm | Posted in aaron d.w., tennis | 15 Comments

rogerf.jpgthey gave him a pair of white slacks. roger said that next year he’s playing only in white slacks and a black hat. they said no to the black hat because they’re white supremacists at wimbledon. anyways, the commentator said that next year they will have to give him a white hat. hopefully a white top hat. then the following year he can play with only a white top hat on. but the way nadal looked, they might not have to worry about what to give him next year.

it might have been a vulture

June 21, 2007 at 12:05 am | Posted in aaron d.w., tennis | 1 Comment

wimbledon starts next monday.  wimbledon thinks they’re so awesome, but they’ve got a lot to prove to me this year.  first of all, the french open was too cool.  that’s a hard act to follow.  remember how all the americans were out after the first round and how all the federernadal.jpgamerican sports media mostly wrote articles about that?  remember how rafael nadal beat roger federer less than a month after federer ended nadal’s 81-game clay court winning streak?  remember how hawk-eye (aka spot shot) doesn’t even work?  i don’t remember that, but brian told me and i believed him.  recently brian wrote an article about how federer probably wouldn’t pose like nadal did after winning the french open.  well, i think wimbledon’s worse i found a picture to back me up.

but still, tennis is great to watch.  even if every player has to wear white for wimbledon.  grass is federer’s surface of choice and although he has looked vulnerable a lot this year, he’s tough to beat on grass.  then there’s nadal.  he’s not the best grass player, but he’s good enough to make it to the finals and make federer earn it.  or maybe andy roddick will do really well.  he just won his first grass tournament last week and has looked good this year even though he lost bad in the french open.  i wish he was making those lexus commercials.  then i could love him.  physical love.

oh yeah, there’s other tennis players too, but i don’t want to look up how to spell djokavic and youznhy.

duncan vs. euclid

May 22, 2007 at 7:01 am | Posted in aaron d.w., basketball | 5 Comments

golden state was my favorite team.  in fact, i had a lot of favorite teams at the beginning of the playoffs that are no longer in the running.  actually, i got every one of my picks wrong.  this comes as no surprise if you’ve ever played fantasy football, basketball, baseball, or soccer with me.  or if you’ve ever been in the same march madness bracket or the same ncaa football bowl picks game as me.  i’m pretty good at not having a clue as to what will happen.  but i try.  and i keep trying.  the point is, it seems like a lot of people are not as interested in the nba finals anymore now that the “more exciting” teams are out.   and by all accounts i should be one of them.  i rooted for every team that wasn’t one of the final 4.  and i rooted for the jazz.  so only the jazz are left.  but there’s still some sweet basketball to play.  the jazz are awesome.  i’m even coming around to liking derek fisher.  i’ve hated him and made jokes about his fat cheeks for a long time.  but it’s not because his baby has cancer or something that i’m coming around.  it’s because he’s one of the leading members of the players’ union, and i think that’s nice.  the point is, there’s a lot a cool guys on that team.  but they’ve got their work cut out for them.  the spurs are good.  it’s easy to hate the spurs since they have all these old but good players.  they get guys like finley and barry to sign small contracts and come off the bench.  true, they’re both winding down, but still.  then there’s the fact that robert horry is stupid and bruce bowen stupider.  but there’s some stuff to like about the spurs.  tony p, manu g, and timmy d are all pretty great.  mostly tim duncan.

my favorite thing about duncan is that he always insists on banking his shots in.  he’s incredible at it.  i’ve been practicing recently and it’s tough to do.  but not impossible.  it’s just a matter of always thinking.  you have to calculate the angles.  you know, law of cosines stuff.  i mean, i’m fairly decent at math, but i just can’t get the angles down.  so i decided to make a tim duncan cheat sheet.  i hope this helps everyone improve their banked jump shots.  the diagram below is exactly what is happening in tim duncan’s head when he gets the ball in scoring position.  every time.  non-stop.  all angles, all the time.duncan.jpg

if you’re in one of the slices shown above, the numbers indicate how many inches from the center of the backboard the ball needs to hit in order to “bank it home.”  it’s true that there’s some room for other bank shots, but i didn’t draw them because the sectors were getting quite small.  but that doesn’t mean duncan doesn’t bank his shots from those tighter angles.  first just work on the slices shown.  then you can expand your banking ability to those tougher angles.  and don’t feel embarrassed to take this diagram with you to the court.  if we want to be like duncan, we have to work at it until we get it.  just put it on your wristband.  like a quarterback arm band.  then glance down at your wrist when you’re going to post up to see how many inches away from center you should aim for.  after a few months, it’ll become second nature to you and you can get rid of the wristband.  you’ll bank without thinking about it.  and while i’m on the subject of banking, don’t buy into the idea that you have to always call it.  duncan doesn’t call it.  he just does it every time.  if someone says you have to call it, don’t listen.  just keep banking them in.  let your bank shots do the talking.

i wish tim duncan would let his hair grow out a little bit more.  i like it when it’s a couple inches long.

jazz vs. warriors

May 8, 2007 at 12:25 pm | Posted in aaron d.w., basketball | 17 Comments

i just barely got to the bowling alley in the basement of the union building here at oregon state university. i don’t have cable, so when i can’t convince nathan to hang out (he said he’s busy?!), i have to come here to watch basketball games. it’s pretty awesome. they have a big screen t.v. and mostly everyone who comes in is under 16. also, they play music really loud. so i don’t have to listen to marv albert. instead, i get to listen to van halen’s runnin’ with the devil. “doo doooo. dadadoo oo doo oooo.”

so utah’s up 17-7 right now and i want to talk about how i am really excited about this series. and not just because i like the jazz and love golden state. actually, that’s probably exactly why i’m excited about it. let me mention that again. i like the jazz a lot and i love golden state. i really am happy to see the jazz in the playoffs. i know that i was rooting for the rockets, but that was mostly about rooting for tracy mcgrady. i love that guy. and i wanted him to win so that people would stop getting on his case. he had the best year of his career and he played a great series against the jazz. anyways, as sad as i am, i’ll be over it soon. i mean, t-mac’s a fighter. i wasn’t so sure a couple years ago when he was depressed, but he’s back. so next year — watch out.

they just went to commercial and it was for nbastore.com. you’d think they could afford marketing. but instead they make commercials that are worse than oregon public commercials — specifically kiefer kia, mr. appliance, and the stereo store. here’s a mr. appliance commercial.

the stereo store is the worst of the three. even if kiefer kia hires some girl to sing (pretty badly) the whole commercial, it’s better than the following stereo store commercial.
boy: now will you go out with me?
girl: um, no.
boy: why not?
girl: your stereo.
boy: i need that spring thing.
girl: you need the stereo store.
then it goes to an add for their spring sale called “that spring thing” and then it cuts back.
boy: i got that spring thing.
girl: you got the stereo store.
end of commercial.

how in the world does the nbastore.com make worse commercials?

i can’t wait until they cut to the stockton and malone statues. that’s going to be sweet.

so it’s 28-27 right now. the jazz are ahead. so far al harrington and mehmet okur are going crazy. i think this series is going to be sweet. but i have to admit that even though i’m from utah and i like the jazz, i want golden state to win. not just that, i think they can totally do it. the teams match up pretty good, but i think golden state are still tough to guard. stephen jackson just made a 3. remember when he was 7-8 in game 6 against dallas? remember how anytime anybody got in an argument he had his fists cocked, ready to punch anybody in the face? i wonder if he’s going to punch derek fisher in his fat cheeks. but not until game 2, since fisher’s out. anyways, i think this series might go 7 games after all. and that’s fine by me. “some people claim that there’s a woman to blame, but i know — doodoodoodo doooo — it’s my own damn fault — doodoodoodo doooo.”

it’s the end of the first quarter and the jazz lead 37-35. this is pretty high scoring. the jazz are playing lots faster than i thought. good for them. they’re playing pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good. citi commercial — do parents ever drop their kids off at dorms and just dump everything onto the grass and leave? d.wade/c.barkley commercial — my favorite is the way charles says, “if you make this putt…” he even gambles in commercials. what a cool dude. come on stockton statue, come on… nope.

start of the second quarter. block by kiriblinko. he’s going to get a 20/20 with blocks and rebounds. does matt barnes have a medusa tattoo? maybe, but they still call travels on him. what did bolerjack start calling okur after they told him not to say money shot? i can’t remember. besides the statues, the thing i’m hoping for the most is that they say that “pound for pound, matt harpring is one of the strongest players in the nba.” i’ve heard them say that like 8 times this season. and i don’t get that many jazz games up here. one of the key things i’ve realized this playoffs is that the video game commentators on nba live are spot on. we used to always make fun of the fact that there’s only like 6 things that they say about each player. but what i’ve realized is that it’s true to life. every commentator just spits out the same few phrases. i don’t think they steal from each other. i think they have like a page on each person for each team. there’s like 15 sentences and 10 weird stats per player and coach. and there’s like 25 sentences and 20 weird stats about each team. they just look on their list and say what fits best. they probably get the sheets the night before so they can study. then it seems more natural. except for bolerjack. i bet he just hears someone else say it and steals it. they probably don’t give him access to their lists and he’s probably way sad about it.

so video games. they’re exactly like real life. watching this series is like watching greg play against brian. me and brian like to play pretty fast. i play fast and pretty small. brian plays fast and likes to have everyone between 6’4″ and 6’8″ so they can all play any position. so he’s more like golden state than i am. anyways, greg’s a half court sort of guy. so this is like the playoffs of every season we’ve played. if the warriors win, i bet all the jazz fans whine at least as much as greg does.

47-47 with 6 minutes left in the half. d.w. hits the free throw to put the jazz up one. then he gets called for a blocking foul. commercials! sonic. “why not raspberry ice M, or any other of the 48 letters?” “before you continue, may i sub-respond?” oh comcast is up to twice as fast as dsl. hmm. didn’t know that they had everything i need to keep my small business going. shot of trax. no statue still. agent zero (gilbert arenas) and t-mac drink vitamin water, just like urlacher.

cactus.jpg9 ties so far. is that supposed to be impressive? i think it is, but what’s a usual amount of ties? kirilenko is headed towards a cinco-cinco. i wish this game had been on saturday. baron davis dunked. biedrins had a stupid look on his face. get a kirilenko mohawk, biedrins. then we’ll talk. time-out. pet web-cams. i hope they make pet reality shows next. especially a cat. t-mobile fave five commercial #3. heineken. hyundai.

61-59 jazz. d.w. had 2 assists and a 3 pointer in 3 possessions. usa basketball commercial. why is brad miller on that team again? who is brad miller anyways? i keep looking in the jazz crowd for friends. but i don’t know anybody that’s supposed to be there. maybe prince is there to see booz cruise? 1 minute left in the half. matt barne s — 3 pointer. d.w. — push off. monta ellis — travel. dee brown — turnover. j.rich — layup. jazz — missed shot(s). end of half. golden state 66, utah 63. crowd is booing. baron davis went 5-5 shooting in the second quarter.
halftime show. baron davis — 17 points, d.w. — 16 points. charles barkley: “jazz are going to get layups. golden state lives and dies by the jumper.” ernie thinks kirilenko is playing great. it’s weird because i agree. it would be weirder if i agreed with kenny smith. one time i wrote a letter to kenny smith after the 2006 all-star game:

dear kenny smith,
i saw you. i saw you change your vote. you had a 9 for iguodala’s dunk. he went behind his back for crying out loud. it was one of the top 20 dunks i’ve seen and you had a 9. that’s cool. but then you looked to see what everyone else had and you changed yours to an 8. did you think nobody noticed? i know nate robinson is sweet. and who doesn’t want a little guy to win the dunk contest. but seriously, have you ever seen someone dunk like andre iguodala? you changed your vote to force a final dunk and you thought nobody noticed. well i did. and i’m calling the ranger on you. oh no, not the ranger!
sincerely, aaron d.w.

that last part i added just now. but it doesn’t matter since i never sent the letter. i’m free to modify however i want. i might as well admit that i just rewrote the whole letter right now. brian knows that we lost our letters to kenny smith and i don’t want some lame comment at the bottom. t-mobile commercial #4. smooth jazz 105.9 — the right songs at the right time. the fresh new sounds for portland’s work day. t-mobile commercial #5. still no statues.

6 minutes left in the third quarter. both teams have cooled off a bit. 77-74 golden state. coors light trains have their own lane on roads in new york city. kirilenko’s looking good still. just got fouled. chance to tie it up and pull ahead. miss. and make. 79-79. 4 minutes left. as far as i know, brian invented the term cinco-cinco. remember that. 2 minutes left in the third. 82-82. the strongest man in the world drinks coors light. but his name isn’t tarmo mitt. i wanted tarmo mitt to win pretty badly. i saw him compete in the barrel tossing event and the double-car deadlift event. he’s my strongest man. i don’t care what anyone else says. i love you, tarmo. one time, i was just walking around and i thought about tarmo mitt cobrakai300dpi.jpgfor apparently no reason. so i sent a text message to nathan that said, “tarmo mitt.” turns out, 10 minutes before i sent the message, robin was on the phone with her dad and she asked nathan what the name of that one strongest man competitor was. i’m pretty sure that i do have a very high level of intuition. the tarot card reader at that harry potter party was right. i might dress up as professor snape this halloween. unless i’m one of the cobra kai from karate kid. i want to be their halloween characters for halloween. it’s like in inland empire when that girl is watching her television on her television. or maybe i’ll be matt barnes. that guy is cool.

end of the third quarter. 89-84 warriors. urlacher/ortiz badminton vitamin water commercial. start of the 4th quarter. another fade-away by al harrington. that guy is playing great. i’m glad. he didn’t get much playing time against the mavericks because of the matchup problems. money ball hits a 3. it’s the fourth quarter. this is when it’s starts raining for him. sweet pass by baron davis. pietrus misses. i like pietrus, but it was a total clank.

owning honda motorcycles is like having wings. huh. i did not know that. the florida football players weren’t sufficiently hydrated. naturally they called it gator-ade. oh okay. from the gators of old to this year’s team to michael jordan and the nba championship. i get it. some little league commercial. i’m no expert, though. you’ll have to ask whitney about it. she’s our local pee-wee sports expert. 95-93 warriors. 8 minutes left. baron d. fouls booz cruise. chance to tie it up. make. and miss. stuff. d.w. layup and 1. miss. pietrus makes up for the clank with a 3 pointer. harpring scores. j.rich 3 pointer. 102-98 warriors with 6 minutes left. dee b with a sweet left-handed layup. b.davis with a miss and then a foul. that’s five on b.d. and d.w.

where’s the music? it was loud earlier, now there’s none. which is worse. now i have to listen to all the 15-year-olds play pool and ice hockey and dance dance revolution behind me. and there’s this weird vibrating recliner that they keep putting dollars in and screaming. mom, what’s an IMO? probably not asking about the internation mathematics olympiad.

harpring’s jump shot ties it up, 104-104. 4 minutes left. booz cruise offensive rebound and a make. j.rich hits a 3. d.w. matches. kirilenko block. stephen j fouls. here come the punches, i can feel it. hertz commercial. i wish i was dead. doesn’t even matter which one. verizon wireless. i wish i had some quietus. the future looks to be pretty cool with that stuff. lbj’s sprite commercial. 15-year-olds talking about soy milk. another 15-year-old just said, “it’s all about the bulls and the wizards.” does he know the wizards are eliminated? “it’s all about michael jordan.” does he know he’s retired? does he know that he wasn’t very good on the wizards? does he know that jordan owns the bobcats now? two free throws for booz cruise. make and miss. 109-107 jazz. booz cruise fouls matt barnes. i bet he makes them both. he’s on the verge of a cinco-cinco, except for the blocks. is it possible to out-kirilenko kirilenko? nope, one make one miss. driving floater by matt barnes — make! 110-109 warriors. d.w. layup and 1. free throw good. 112-110 jazz. the 15-year-old’s parent figure is a jazz fan. kirilenko fouls j.rich. make, make. money ball miss. where’s the statue!? booz cruise o.r. and a make. 114-112 jazz. 17 seconds left. commercial animated by those waking life guys. stephen j 3 pointer…miss. rebound harpring. fouled. 7 seconds left. make, make. 116-112 jazz. someone with a sign that says hostile environment. i think i gave him a library card. guitar shredding at the energy solutions arena. stephen j drives and misses. game over. 116-112.

kirilenko — 1 assist and 4 steals away from a cinco-cinco. 7 blocks.
matt barnes — 1 assist, 1 steal and 5 blocks away from a cinco-cinco.
kevin bacon — bff with michael jordan. that 15 year-old probably loves him.

no stockton-to-malone statue. tnt blew it.

knife fight

May 5, 2007 at 6:47 am | Posted in aaron d.w., basketball | 2 Comments

matt-barnes.jpgi have to try my best to take back everything i ever thought or said about matt barnes or his mustache. he’s fast becoming one of my favorite players to watch (along with barbosa, iverson, mcgrady, and deng). and it’s not just his mohawk, although that certainly goes a long way in becoming a favorite. he’s just super cool. his wingspan to height ratio is probably exactly what mine is. he’s fast, he has a good shot and a great floater, he hustles on defense, he saves balls from going out of bounds with the greatest of ease. in game 6 last night, they passed it cross-court to him and it was way high. i thought it would be a turnover for sure, but he jumped up (probably higher than dwight howard in the dunk contest), caught the ball, and fired a one handed pass back across the court and jason richardson hit a 3-pointer. matt barnes has stolen my heart and i don’t mind if he and don nelson like to hold hands. not even a little bit.

my favorite thing about last night, though, was after the utah-houston game when charles barkley was sad that utah won. it had nothing to do with the jazz or the rockets. he was hoping to go to the floyd mayweather jr/oscar de la hoya fight in las vegas on saturday. but now he has to work. i couldn’t believe how sad he was. “i’m stuck here with you two losers while everybody else is in vegas.” it made me really feel bad for him. no kidding. i sort of know how he feels because i’ve had to miss out on pretty exciting things due to work-related commitments. and he doesn’t have the sort of job that he can just get someone to cover for him. i like charles barkley and i’m sad that he has to analyze the jazz-rockets game instead of watching that fight from the front row. he probably has like a million dollars on the game and now he has to have dwyane wade text message him all the details. what a way to hear about losing (or winning) a bunch of money. they should make a commercial where wade says he’ll cover for charles on TNT if charles will put him in his fave five. even better, they should really make that deal. unless wade is having shoulder surgery on saturday.

here’s my next wave of predictions:

  • suns vs. spurs: suns in 6. i still don’t like amare stoudamire, but i’d marry him if it would piss off robert horry or bruce bowen. but i do hope that old man duncan banks in shots from every angle.
  • jazz/rockets vs. warriors: it doesn’t matter who wins tomorrow, golden state will beat them in 5. when people asked jeff van gundy about possibly facing the golden state warriors he said, “If you were in a knife fight in an alley somewhere, you wouldn’t be saying, ‘Hey, if I get by this guy, I’ll kick that next guy’s (butt).’ We’re in a knife fight right now with knife fighters.”
  • bulls vs. pistons: bulls in 7. ben gordon wins it in game 7.
  • nets/raptors vs. cavaliers: it doesn’t matter who wins tomorrow, they’ll beat the cavs in 5. see ya, LBJ.

good luck, okur

April 29, 2007 at 2:14 am | Posted in aaron d.w., football (soccer), misc | Leave a comment

brian wasn’t even lying when he told me that messi’s goal was like maradona. this video highlights that messi and maradona ran the same distance in the same amount of time and finished with the same move on the goalie.

also, it seems like a waste of time to try and beat out the whole country of china in telekinetic support. i want okur to be great, but i don’t think i can help.

and i saw my first episode of numb3rs last night. it was stupid. brian and i always used to joke that it’s my favorite show because i do math, but i’m going to have to officially put an end to that.

dooling for prez

April 20, 2007 at 3:50 am | Posted in aaron d.w., basketball | 5 Comments

finally it’s the time of the year when basketball gets really exciting and really annoying. it’s the playoffs, which feature high intensity games, bad commentating, more commercials, and paid-off refs. remember last year when cleveland and washingtonlbj.jpg met in the first round? washington should have won every game except that the refs were too busy giving fouls (and hand jobs) to l.b.j. i’m talking about lebron james. love him or hate him, he (sort of) shares initials with lyndon baines and ladybird. the final game of the series saw lebron do a jump stop and take like 10 steps after the jump stop before scoring the game winning basket. watch it here, i dare you. (i hope that link works; this computer doesn’t have youtube watching capabilities). anyways, the playoffs are fixed and frustrating. sometimes teams play too good and surprise the people trying to fix the games and that’s pretty exciting. this year though, it’ll be a little different. joey crawford, the most experienced (read: biggest ego-ed) ref in the league has been suspended indefinitely for challenging tim duncan to a fight. that’s good news for allen iverson and rasheed wallace, since he hates those guys. well, i hate him. how’s that, joey?

last year’s playoffs were pretty good. remember how they had ali-g commercials all the time? ali-g would interview basketball players and call steve nash the mp3 of the league. i wish it was last year again.

here’s a preview of the playoffs. i’ll give who i hope wins the games and then i’ll give my predictions. i know, i know. when have i ever differentiated between who i want to win and who i think will win? it starts today. and it’s going to carry over to our fantasy football draft, so watch out cool monster league.

eastern conference first (they’re not boring to watch at all, but you won’t here anyone on espn agree):

  • detroit pistons vs. orlando magic: hmm, chauncey billups or keyon dooling. obviously i want the magic to win. i hope detroit chokes. i hope grant hill shows detroit what they’ve been missing. i hope dwight howard puts a sticker on the top of both of detroits backboards while keyon dooling (or jameer nelson) are throwing alley-oops to him. i hope chauncey billups gets in a car accident and gets cerebral palsy. i hope rasheed wallace plays really well and that the only two reasons the pistons lose are that (a) chauncey billups is an idiot, and (b) rasheed wallace gets called for 2 technicals every game. (b) is a little bit less likely to happen with joey crawford gone, but only slightly. anyways detroit advances in 6 games.
  • cleveland cavaliers vs. washington wizards: i want the wizards to win so bad. i wanted gilbert arenas and caron butler to be around to beat lebron and the cavs in spite of the refs. i wanted gilbert to make a hundred 3-pointers from 30 feet out. i wanted them to wear those sweet jerseys. i wanted etan thomas to read poems to the cavs after he blocks their shots. but then arenas and butler got injured. so it’s up to antawn jamison to score 50 points per game. he’s up to the challenge. the refs are on the cavaliers’ side, so cleveland in 5.
  • toronto raptors vs. new jersey nets: t.j. ford is awesome. (did i just say awesome?) not only is he the best player in nba live 2006, he’s the best point guard in the eastern conference. somehow he became that after getting a neck injury his rookie season that almost paralyzed him. some people think jason kidd is the best, but that’s not what his soon-to-be ex-wife told me. they’re both filing abuse suits against each other. still, jason kidd is cool. and vince carter is vinsane. so even if the nets win i won’t kill myself or anything. but i want the raptors to win even more than i want detroit to lose. toronto in 7 games.
  • miami heat vs. chicago bulls: i want to clear something up first. brian did some research and shaq actually does have a master’s degree in criminal justice. we thought it was probably honorary since he “brings law and order to the court,” but it turns out that he went to lsu in the summers after he was drafted until he finished it. he’s a deputy in like 4 states and sometimes he beats people while questioning them. plus he wears those stupid hats during interviews, so i think i like him. but he’s on pat riley’s team. so i want the miami heat to lose. not just that, i like the bulls. i think they’re team is super-cool. luol deng, kirk hinrich, ben wallace, tyrus thomas, ben gordon. they’re only problem is they can’t wear headbands which is stupid. still, they’re good. and they’ll waste the heat. probably in 5 games.

western conference:

  • dallas mavericks vs. golden state warriors: let’s compare players. on dallas i like dirk nowitzki, josh howard, desagna diop, jason terry, devin harris and i don’t like jerry stackhouse. on golden state i like monta ellis, al harrington, baron davis, mikael pietrus and i don’t like matt barnes’ mustache. i don’t like avery johnson as a coach or a person and i sort of like don nelson as a coach since every player is between 6’4″ and 6’8″. on paper, i probably want the mavericks to win. but i love that golden state team. monta ellis is one of my favorite young players to watch. i hope golden state wins, but i’m picking the mavericks. in 7.
  • phoenix suns vs. los angeles lakers: this one’s easy. i was hoping the lakers wouldn’t even make the playoffs. they have luke walton (whom i wish was dead) and phil jackson (i can’t think of the worse thing i want for him). so even though they have lamar odom, i can’t root for them. on the other hand, phoenix is cool except for amare stoudamire. he’s not nearly as good as he thinks and everyone else thinks. he doesn’t really see what’s happening around him and he decides before he drives whether he’s going to dunk it or not. it gets him into trouble. he just puts his head down and then looks stupid. well, i like when he looks stupid because i can hate him easier. so i hope he gets injured and nash scores a million points. actually, i hope barbosa scores a million points. per minute. that guy is fast. suns win in 5.
  • san antonio spurs vs. denver nuggets: everyone on the nuggets is totally awesome. especially allen iverson. but nene and marcus camby and carmelo anthony and eduardo najera and steve blake and jr. smith. they’re cool. the spurs have too many stars. they get guys like michael finley and brent barry as backups. mostly though, they have bruce bowen and i wish that guy’s parents would get in a fight and murder each other and that he would be the one to find their dead and bloody bodies and then he would go crazy and talk to himself out loud on the subway and everyone in the world would think he was an idiot. because he is. the spurs are good. but i’m picking the nuggets to win. in 6 games.
  • utah jazz vs. houston rockets: this one’s tough. i like the jazz a lot. booz cruise, kiriblinko, money ball, slick, leap-and-lean harpring, chubby cheeks, giriczech, paul millsap. but the rockets have tracy mcgrady. and they have shane battier and rafer alston. alston used to play street ball and his street ball name was skip to my lou. plus stan van gundy is cool. jerry sloan is, except that he doesn’t let the jazz wear headbands, which is stupid. i think t-mac will win the series. houston in 6.


the pacman-agassi controversy

April 18, 2007 at 1:01 am | Posted in aaron d.w., basketball, football (american), tennis | 2 Comments

so pacman jones from the tennessee titans got suspended for the whole year. it doesn’t surprise me. the nfl suspended ricky williams for a year for being a yoga instructor. pacman’s situation is a little worse. he’s been involved in fights at clubs and other stuff. so even though he hasn’t been charged once with anything, he’s suspended for the year. i understand the league’s position. they want to assure their sponsors that they won’t stand for “criminal” behavior. they’ve got to keep the investors happy. they’ve got to keep their image “clean.” it’s the same thing the nba did with suspending jermaine o’neal, ron artest, stephen jackson, ben wallace, carmelo anthony, j.r. smith, and that other guy. they need to keep the people who can afford the best seats in the stands. so they punish “thug” behavior to make people feel safer.

here’s what i don’t get. ron artest knew he had a temper problem. he’d already punched camera-persons. so when he gets in a scuffle with ben wallace, he does the smart thing and removes himself from the situation. he lays down on the scorers table to settle down. some idiot throws a cup of beer on him. so he goes into the stands to waste him. i don’t condone violence, but i certainly understand why he did it. just because you paid $200 for your seat and $100 for your 15th cup of beer, doesn’t mean you get to throw the alcohol on players you hate. i would’ve been upset too. i’d like to say that i wouldn’t have punched him, but who knows? one time i threw a basketball at jon woodbury and i’ve felt bad about it for a long time. also one time i punched brian in the back of the head, but that was just to be funny (and it was), and he spit on my pillow the next morning to get back at me (this was 3 years ago). so they tag artest with a year-long suspension and they tell that other guy that he can’t ever come back to the arena. that’s fine. i understand that suspensions were needed, but a year? anyways, this year artest has been accused of domestic violence. he’s been issued a restraining order to stay away from his wife and kids. i think the league probably fined him and that’s it.  hitting your wife is worse than hitting a stranger who threw beer on you, right?

so why don’t professional sports leagues worry about cleaning up their image when it comes to domestic or sexual abuse? probably because the people who advertise and the people who buy the luxury boxes and the people who buy the front-row seats are more comfortable with the idea of domestic violence than they are with “thug” behavior. everybody hits their wives, so it’s no big deal for sports stars to do it. it’s non-threatening, because as males we understand that it’s probably sometimes necessary. like reuben droughns. or a million other athletes across a million other sports. but thug behavior. that stuff’s scary. thugs are capable of anything. they would probably murder you in a heartbeat if you look at them wrong. basketball players might have knives or guns in their socks, shoes, or shorts, if they’re thugs, which most of them are because they wear over-sized t-shirts and timberlands.

fights in the home result in bad p.r. fights in bars result in year-long suspensions.

agassi2.jpgcase and point: (article) andre agassi hit his wife, steffi graf, in the face on “accident” during a fundraiser tennis match. they were playing doubles and holding hands and he hit her with his follow-through. she got 3 stitches on-site in her lip by a doctor who had paid $70,000 to play against the couple. they were in houston doing a fundraiser as part of this show called the big give hosted by oprah winfrey. “she’s okay. it was an unfortunate accident.” her friends or relatives will ask about her lip and she’ll say, “oh, i slipped and landed on a tennis racket.” no big deal. she probably found out about agassi and that shark and confronted andre about it before the match. he warned her to keep quiet. she had it coming, i guess.

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