do you remember how you used to play pilgrim’s promise?

April 8, 2008 at 11:23 am | Posted in basketball, brian | 1 Comment

did you see that college basketball championship? i couldn’t believe it! there they are, cutting down the nets and greg gumble’s all like “and there’s some brand of ladder, the official ladder of the ncaa tournament.” and then they played a luther vandross song. televised sports are getting close to unwatchable.

now i’m supposed to write a paragraph about how bad the brackets i filled out did. last place, last place, last place.

katherine hepburn is sure wearing a lot of make up in this little women movie. right now they’re practicing what to do if some guy tries take advantage of them. now they’re singing hymns. is one of the girls blind or am i confusing this with the hellen keller movie or little house on the prarie? is this movie supposed to be a comedy?  that one girl is sure a show-off on the piano.

i’m just a boy with a new haircut

April 3, 2008 at 12:14 am | Posted in brian, football (american) | 3 Comments

you’ve probably already heard the rumors: the nfl wants to ban long hair. they want to ban this:

and this:

thankfully, plummer already retired or they be looking to ban this too:

i don’t understand it. why would the nfl want regulate hair length? supposedly it’s a safety concern. the league is worried about possible injuries occurring when players talking other player by their long hair. but that’s obviously bullshit. there has yet to be a hair-pulling related injury in the history of the nfl and the nfl obviously doesn’t give a shit about the all the concussions happening every week, many of which lead to permanent injuries, post-traumatic stress and even suicides.


breaking news!!!!!!

i just read that the owners are shelving the haircut vote until may. it looks like it was too soon for the nfl to exert total control over their employees lives and livelihoods.

the tallest filmmaker ever

March 12, 2008 at 5:04 am | Posted in basketball, brian | Leave a comment

so who’s going to be the number one pick in the upcoming nba draft. (clif, you were probably hoping i was going to talk about the nfl draft. sorry, but i have almost no knowledge and have yet to figure out an angle to write about. plus, i don’t want to give away my fantasy draft secrets until like july.) it may be a strong class if everyone comes out. there’s micheal beasley, the great dictator (oj mayo), a bunch of tall white guys that everyone’s hoping are the next larry bird (hansborough [i’m not even going to find out how to spell his name correctly] and love both of which seem more like modern-day cherokee parks) and probably a bunch of other hot prospects i’m not going to name.

but around here (and by here i mean my living room) all the talk is about kenny george. he’s 7’7” and 360 pounds. seriously. he doesn’t even have to jump to dunk the basketball. and he’s an aspiring filmmaker who has already written several screenplays. that’s who i’d want on my basketball team. or making a movie about my basketball team.

some bullshit title

March 6, 2008 at 4:54 am | Posted in basketball, brian | 1 Comment

i need to address the first part of this post to aaron. if you are not aaron, feel free to skip the next paragraph.

aaron, why is everyone calling chris anderson birdman all of the sudden? have you ever heard that nickname in reference to him before? most importantly, did you now that chris anderson has been reinstated?

for those of you who skipped the preceding paragraph, chris anderson has been reinstated by the nba. i thought one of us had written something about anderson’s suspension, but it turned out to only be one sentence at the end of this post. so i’ll need to provide some background.

background or why chris anderson was suspended from the nba and why i love him for it

chris anderson. most people probably don’t even remember you. but i do. it all began when i picked you up to play for one of my nbalive teams. (for those of you who have no idea what i’m talking about, nbalive was a basketball video game i used to play. i liked it because i could fire, hire and trade players whenever i liked which meant i could create my own personal dream teams. dream teams, for me, didn’t consist of the best players but the coolest players [or at least coolest by my criteria].) then i saw you in two consecutive dunk contests. the first one you spiked up your hair and jack nichloson made fun of it right to your face. you took it in stride since you can’t take anyone who wears sunglasses indoors seriously. for the second dunk contest, you grew your hair long. and i’m talking long — longer than dirk, longer than nash. then you got kicked out of the league for using coke (allegedly). i thought you’d never play in the league again. i thought this mostly because if i would have been kicked out of the nba for drug use, i’d stay kicked out and spend whatever money i had left on more drugs (i assumed you [or i guess i mean i since this hypothetical involves me having signed a multi-million dollar contract to play basketball] could do this for years).

but now you’ve cleaned up, served your two year suspension and you’re back in the league. and i couldn’t be happy for you.

(actually, if you want some real background, you should read this article. anderson’s story is pretty incredible.)

speed has conquered space

February 24, 2008 at 10:57 pm | Posted in basketball, brian | 2 Comments

i hope i didn’t already name a post this. see, i keep this notebook and one of the things i keep in the notebook are possible titles for blogs. i forgot why i thought it was an interesting title, but it was in the list. i think it has something to do with airplanes and emails and possibly quantum transference.

i saw an interview with korver conducted by one of the local news shows. i know there have been korver interviews everyday since he was traded to the jazz, but this one was really weird. i couldn’t find it online (but i did find this one which has boller staring into korver’s naked chest).

the korver interview

korver was interviewed by shauna lake in the channel 2 news studio. korver dressed casually and was totally nervous. for some reason, he has holding a pillow over his lap. lake’s chair was at least a foot taller than korver’s. the topic wasn’t basketball, but more of a get to know you interview. at one point korver went on about how big of an influence growing up in a strong christian family was (now if he’d just convert to mormonism, everyone watching the interview thought). he was also asked about his favorite bands: linkin park and pearl jam, you know, stuff to pump you up before a big game.

then the interview shifted to sex appeal. korver is currently the hottest sex-symbol in utah sports. and it’s not just the guys who love him, but the ladies too.

lake: some people say you look just like ashton kutchner [cut to side by side pictures of korver and kuthcner], how do you feel about being a sex symbol?
korver: uncomfortable. very uncomfortable.

and this wasn’t some kind of humble answer, korver was totally uncomfortable. or at least he looked to be. i interviewed my brother to make sure.

the aaron interview

me: do you like halloween?
aaron: it’s ok.
me: do you ever dress up?
aaron: yeah.
me: what was your best costume?
aaron: one year i dressed up as ash catchem from pokemon but everyone thought i was dressed as ashton kutchner.
me: how did that make you feel?
aaron: uncomfortable. very uncomfortable.

back to the korver interview.  lake also found out that korver is currently single and then had hear four year-old kid bring korver a cookie.  after the interview, lake was sexually harassed on air by dave fox the sports anchor.  i think he was jealous that lake was crushin’ so hard on korver while she always turns down fox’s drunken passes.

i’ve never seen algorithms so complex

February 18, 2008 at 11:17 am | Posted in basketball, brian | Leave a comment

here’s a serious question: why do they always play the national anthem before many formal sporting events?

these uniforms are confusing.  i can never tell who is on whose team.

are there even people at this game?  what about celebrities?  the game seems eerily quiet.  i can hear one lone screamer and it’s unnerving.  the excitement after the alley-oop lasted only a moment.  d wade’s even laying it in on fastbreaks.  air ball.  i really think the uniforms are negatively effecting the players, audience and me.  back-dork by lbj (back-dork is the new name for back-court).  kobe’s on ice.  nothing is happening.

what is reggie miller talking about?

new simpsons: good or bad?  i bet bad but am hoping for good.  i’ll let you know.

did you hear about that spy satellite that’s malfunctioning?  yeah, i hear they’re going to blow it out of the sky with a ten million dollar missile.  that’s money well spent; sorry about the mess.  they really call it a spy satellite.  a relic of the cold war.

they’re talking this kidd trade shit in the middle of the game.  are you kidding me?  who cares?  does tnt realize they’re showing a basketball game?

that was a nice steal by iverson.  that steal was nice too.

the simpsons was terrible, i watched the commercials of the basketball game instead.  they’re pushing the shit out of that basketball movie.

bets on mvp of the all star game: fight thinks it’ll either be lbj or howard; i think chrissy p or ai.

it’s half-time.

you should see the glasses this lady is wearing in nightrider.  she’s a scientist.  now there’s a three-some, now a surfing montage followed by a super-sexy shower montage and it all took 15 seconds.  and she’s a topless lesbian sleeping with a cop.  they’re both cops.  maybe even partners.  now a car just called the scientist on the phone.  the code word is — night. i think the car’s voice is really generated by a computer.  and the bad guy has a fake british accent.

it’s still half-time.

the west is getting killed.  i think it’s cause their jerseys are somehow uglier than the east’s.  and cause centers are dead, dead weight.  get rid of them if you want to win.  this isn’t 1985, it’s the future.

so there are situations where the car needs a human.  and the scientist thinks the car is actually her dead father.  she’s having a hard time accepting his death.  “she teaches at stanford.”  “is she hot?”  he’s got a serious crush on her.  the car is programmed to find the scientists ex-boyfriend.  he’s the guy who was having a threesome earlier.  holy shit, this car just transformed.  i think it’s going 500 miles an hour.

oh, it’s just a big promo for ford.  you could win your own talking car.  the car has a definition of the word sadness, but he’ll never know what it feels like.  there’s a lot of paranoia.  and the car is also a psychiatrist.  “that does . . . suck.”  now they’re in las vegas.  nothing’s too ambitious for a pilot episode.  and hank jennings from twin peaks is in this show.

back at the game it’s all sneaker and sports drink commercials.  the west are down by thirteen going into the fourth. paul’s fake-pass-dribble, amare’s power-dunk and the margin is down to five.

wait, now her father isn’t even really dead.  the car and the main actor are in a ford commercial.

the west is up, what’s lbj going to do?  airball.  now him and chrissy are fighting:

chrissy p: i’m mvp!
lbj: no, i’m mvp!

things are heating up.  what would that boller say?  something about buckling up for safety?

that car doesn’t understand women.  i think nash is stoned: “no, there was a lady who threw a towel at me.  i think she needs to work on her arm strength.”  then he said his shoes were made of trash.  is he wearing recycled shoes?  don’t let his pot-smoking fool you, he just a coporate tool?  allen’s raining, three in a row.  neither fight nor i saw him as an mvp possibility, but he’s looking good.

“i need your phone, or a computer.”

paul ties it with a three.   allen misses a three.   turnover by dirk.   lbj straight to the rim.   offensive foul on paul.   wade with a chance at a three point play.  it’s gonna take a lot for paul to win his mvp.  looks like i’m out a dollar.

i work for nighthawk investigations

February 13, 2008 at 4:45 am | Posted in basketball, brian | 2 Comments

i hated the lakers my entire life.  maybe not hated, but i used to think they were stupid, then i thought they were funny, then i hated them more than i’ve ever hated any team and now i may like them.  that sentence lasted twenty-so-odd years; let me explain. 

i was just a little boy when it was showtime:  i kind of liked abdul-jabbar because of his name and goggles; i could never get into byron scott even though i thought we were both from ogden, utah; i always thought james worthy, rather than ac green was the preacher and virgin due to the implied holiness of the worthy name; i never trusted magic johnson.  most importantly, i knew, even as an eight year-old, that pat riley’s haircut was stupid.

then magic got hiv and everyone else retired.  the lakers were left with vlade divac and nick van exel.  then magic became the coach for like a week then resigned because he pushed a ref right after he publicly trashed on nick van exel for bumping into a ref.  those were good laker times.

then i stopped paying attention to basketball for a couple of years.  when i came back to basketball, the lakers were unstoppable.  kobe and shaq and phil and horry and lil’ fisher and all the celebrities at the home games.  mostly i hate teams that win all the time, especially when they seem to get all the calls.  i do have two great memories related to these lakers: (1) iverson going off on the lakers and winning game one of the finals in overtime and (2) when the pistons destroyed the superstar lakers (grandpa malone and grandpa payton) in the finals.

now I may like them.  they’ve still got lil’ luke walton and phil jackson and there are always a billion idiots at their games, but they’ve got quite a few positives.  there’s the lighting of the lakers home games that make every game seem less like a basketball game and more like a play about a basketball game.  then there’s odom who with the addition of gasol may finally become the player I always knew he had inside.  then there’s the soon to be best friends of radmanovic, vujavic and gasol all growing out their hair and beards.  i’m not saying the lakers are my favorite team, but if they’re in a playoff series against the spurs, i know who I’m cheering for.

which settlers occupied their territory

January 31, 2008 at 7:59 am | Posted in brian, football (american) | Leave a comment

just keep this in mind while you’re watching the superbowl halftime show this year. with bridgestone/firestone facing numerous legal problems, strikes, unfit working conditions and the like, it’s no wonder they spent millions sponsoring halftime. but i don’t mean to call out just bridgestone/firestone. i’m sure most of the companies paying for superbowl advertisements are equally as reprehensible.

and i kind of wish our blog was more like theirs. well not really like theirs, but we probably need to up our obsessing over hunky athletes.

it is annoying, all those bounces of the ball

January 28, 2008 at 6:01 am | Posted in brian, tennis | Leave a comment

that’s what the old-man commentator said while djokovic was serving during the tiebreak in the fourth set up 2 sets to 1 over tsonga in the finals of the austalian open. earlier he said something about how the europeans and eastern-europeans have dominated this grand slam. i thought the cold war was over.

but all the commentators spent most the match comparing tsonga to ali because they look alike.

we guarantee that tsonga will one day become president of france, barring an assassination. we also guarantee that djokovic and sharapova are now an item. isn’t it cute how they both won the austalian open?

“i think by that time, i hope that i will have a nice husband and a few kids” is what sharapova said when asked if she’d still be playing ten years from now. 

i forgot a title

January 26, 2008 at 4:24 am | Posted in basketball, brian | Leave a comment

here’s another email i sent during a jazz game that booner and boller never read:

dear booner and boller,
why do they have to bounce the ball?
trent trout, salt lake city
p.s. i’m twelve

instead they answered some dumb question about shoe-size or how you calculate free-throw percentage. what do you gotta do to get your email read on tv? i thought the twelve year old line would work, but i guess not. i’m positive that they don’t even check the emails people send in and just make up whatever they want. bullshit.

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