football is exciting

October 14, 2008 at 10:45 am | Posted in brian, football (american) | Leave a comment

i’ve been watching sunday night football for twenty minutes and have seen closes-ups of cheerleader’s breasts twice. like close-up close-ups. but football is hyper-sexual.

sunday night football is sexy

i’m not a scientist, but i’ve read books written by people who claim to be. so this is how i see it: football probably isn’t that different than mating rituals that like every other species that reproduces sexually. for humans, because we’re a group species, it’s a contest of smarts and strength that helps determine the status of the different members of the group except also the status of particular groups relative to one another.

but it’s more complicated than that. there’s the commercialization of the game which then plays into status markers unlike anything i see in the rest of the natural world. in many social circles, football knowledge, fandom and/or the purchase of football apparel (i just saw that commercial where they show some ideal steelers fan’s living room and it’s decorated with steelers everything – framed steelers jerseys, steelers throw pillows, steelers chair, steelers telephone) are important markers of male-dominance. (they just showed another close-up of a cheerleader’s breasts.) but i’m not sure how well football-watching status translates into an increase of mating opportunities.

i remember monday night football—all that butt-slapping really messed me up

but the sexuality of football is ambiguous. or maybe i mean androgynous.

a picture is a fact

October 4, 2008 at 7:53 am | Posted in brian, football (american) | 4 Comments

there was a saturday day last week.  during the late afternoon, i flipped through some college football games but all i could find were commercials.  4 games were on, but they were only showing commercials.  at that moment, i felt like i should give up on professional sports.  which would also mean giving up on this sports blog.

i mean, i could write blogs defending josh howard’s pot-smoking and his refusal to support the national anthem.  or on how ridiculous the criticism of vince young is given that all he does is win football games.  and maybe i should.  or should have.  both those stories are already a month old and forgotten about.  or remembered only in the negative.

the truth is, professional sports have started to depress the hell out of me.  so instead, i’m going to write about my near-death experience.

we picture facts to ourselves

clif has an extra ticket for the utah/oregon state game which he passes on to me.  the game starts at 7 and i dont get off work until 7; i arrive late and by myself.  i take the train up to the stadium.  due to malfunctions, the train ride takes 45 instead of 15 minutes.  while our train is stopped, someone starts talking about the football game most of us are on our way to.  he is roughly my age but twice my size.  maybe he use to play football for utah.  he looks like brian urlacher, or that guy in those 50s war movies that looks like brian urlacher.  and he has an intimidating voice.

-are we waiting to get off the train to raise the flag for utah?

i dont understand what he means.  what flag?  a symbolic one?

-do you bleed red?  do you believe in red?

this question he asks repeatedly to different people on the train.  i bury my head in my book hoping that he  avoids asking me that question.  i mean, do i believe in red?  would he and i even have the same definition of red?

we cannot give a sign the wrong sense

i finally make it to the stadium.  there are people in red everywhere.  do they all believe in red?  i make my way to the section that corresponds with the number on my ticket.  i’m nervous walk up the stairs to my seat by myself.  i grab a hot-dog instead.  i can’t believe how many people are here.  i’m anxious and eat my hot-dog faster than i should.  then i realize i cant breathe.  it’s just like in field of dreams.  i look around for some ghost — some dead former football player who gave up his career to be a pediatrician but misses football so badly he haunts the stadium — to materialize and give me the heimlich maneuver.  i mean,  abdominal thrusts.  wait.  first i need to make sure i’m choking enough to require abdominal thrusts.  what are the steps to dealing with choking?  encourage the victim (that’s a loaded word) to cough.  so cough.  i’m trying, i tell myself, but it’s not helping.  no.  don’t panic.  are you breathing at all?  i try breathing.  am i breathing?  maybe?  it’s too hard to tell.  focus.  try to take a breath.  are you breathing?  barely, but i doubt i’ll be breathing much longer.  i look around at all of the people in red.  should i ask one of them to give me abdominal thrusts?  is this how i die?  not in a car-crash, but near the concession stand at a university of utah football game with a piece of hot-dog stuck in my throat?  wait, can’t i do abdominal thrusts on myself?  just listen.  try coughing.  if that doesn’t work then we can move on to abdominal thrusts.  i never imagined this would be the way i died but i’m sure everyone who dies thinks the same thing. i turn to the garbage can i’m next to and give coughing one last try and just like in field of dreams i cough out the piece of hot-dog stuck in my throat.  there are people everywhere, but i dont think anyone noticed i almost died.

logic must look after itself

the football game was amazing.  utah, with their perfect record on the line, goes down by 8 with 2 minutes remaining.  their offense has looked out of sorts all second half.  four plays later they’re in the endzone. the two point conversion is good and the game is tied.  oregon state gets the ball back but goes three and out.  they punt and utah has less than 30 seconds to move 20 plus yards for a chance to win the game on a field goal.  i dont remember all the plays on that last drive.  i think they throw to the sideline for a 5 yard gain.  then johnson scrabbles out of the pocket and drops it off to one of the running backs for a first down.  the next play they throw down the middle for 15 or 20 yards.  they run the ball to the right hash-mark and call time-out with 1 second left.  louie sakoda nails the 30 something yard kick to win the game at the end of regulation.

on the drive home i’m greg reminds me that this one radio station here played louie, louie for two straight weeks.  that may be one of the best songs ever.

i’m just a boy with a new haircut

April 3, 2008 at 12:14 am | Posted in brian, football (american) | 3 Comments

you’ve probably already heard the rumors: the nfl wants to ban long hair. they want to ban this:

and this:

thankfully, plummer already retired or they be looking to ban this too:

i don’t understand it. why would the nfl want regulate hair length? supposedly it’s a safety concern. the league is worried about possible injuries occurring when players talking other player by their long hair. but that’s obviously bullshit. there has yet to be a hair-pulling related injury in the history of the nfl and the nfl obviously doesn’t give a shit about the all the concussions happening every week, many of which lead to permanent injuries, post-traumatic stress and even suicides.

breaking news!!!!!!

i just read that the owners are shelving the haircut vote until may. it looks like it was too soon for the nfl to exert total control over their employees lives and livelihoods.

So, I cheated

March 13, 2008 at 3:54 am | Posted in basketball, clif, football (american) | 2 Comments

NOTE: This was actually a response to brian’s post “the tallest filmmaker ever.”  It was longer than I intended, so I turned it into a post.  This way I’ll feel a little less guilty for never contributing.

Maybe this year I’ll actually write a post about the NFL draft instead of just talking about it.

Since I don’t pay nearly as much attention to the NBA and it’s draft as I do the NFL and it’s, I was wondering how much the March Madness tournament affects players’ draft stock.  If a top prospect sucks it up in the tourney, could that drop him down in the draft?  I hope not.

With football, it seems like analysts and scouts are too willing to throw a good college career out the window if the player has a poor bowl game/senior bowl/combine.  Every year there are ‘workout warriors’ who measure off the charts at the combine and they fly to the top of the rankings, their mediocre college career goes ignored and then they bust.  Usually.

On the other hand (and again, since I don’t pay that much attention to basketball, I might be making this up), it seems like basketball players can sometimes skate by on hype and be drafted high.  Kids coming out of high school – the Mayos, Odens and El BJs – who are sufficiently hyped seem like they can make a top pick based on reputation as long as they don’t completely implode during their lone college season (for those that are now forced to do a year; for the rest, I guess if they don’t go to jail or crash their Hummers or whatever). 

It seems backwards.  At least if my assumption that March Madness doesn’t make to much difference in an athletes draft stock is right.  If there’s a sport where one player can take over a game in a high-pressure environment and lead his team to a W, it’s basketball.  I’d think a lot can be learned about a top player based on his performance in the post-season.  Where as in football, all a good bowl game performance shows is that a player will give full effort in a stupid, pointless game.  While it’s nice to know you’re getting 100% all the time, I don’t think players should be penalized for not caring about bowl games.   Nobody else does.

Either way, talent should largely be judged by the body of work throughout their career in both sports.  But, what do you think?  How much impact does the tournament have?

(By the way, I realize the B-ball names I mentioned are terrible examples, as James lived up to the hype, Mayo probably won’t go top 5 and Oden…well, we’ll see.) 

which settlers occupied their territory

January 31, 2008 at 7:59 am | Posted in brian, football (american) | Leave a comment

just keep this in mind while you’re watching the superbowl halftime show this year. with bridgestone/firestone facing numerous legal problems, strikes, unfit working conditions and the like, it’s no wonder they spent millions sponsoring halftime. but i don’t mean to call out just bridgestone/firestone. i’m sure most of the companies paying for superbowl advertisements are equally as reprehensible.

and i kind of wish our blog was more like theirs. well not really like theirs, but we probably need to up our obsessing over hunky athletes.

chaos, hostility and murder

December 30, 2007 at 11:12 pm | Posted in basketball, brian, football (american) | Leave a comment

sports night.

here’s all the things i’m watching on television right now: the patriots/giants game (which is being simultaneously being tele-casted on 7 stations), the alamo bowl (a game i have a significant number of confidence points for this bowl picks things i paid five dollars to be apart of), the jazz/celtics game and grizzly man (it doesn’t say, “hi timothy, we’re going to fucking kill you”). multi-tasking is tough, but i hear it’s a very marketable skill in today’s business world.

every game is in halftime, so i’m just gonna watch grizzly man.

how dare they! how dare they smear me with their campaign!

animals rule! timothy conquered! fuck the park service!

the actor in the film has taken over the director in the film.

i wonder if the trash talking in any of these sports games is, as herzog describes treadwell, “incandescent, even artistic.” but i do see certain similarities between treadwell and sloan. at least in the way they swear. and i get the feeling that sloan hates big city life in much the same way too. that’s why he’s got that farm out in illinois or indiana or wherever. driving around on your tractor; imagining all the people you’d like to run over. but the jazz are winning.

so are the giants. plaxico got both feet in and it’s 28-16. coors is the official beer of the nfl and wendy’s and the nfl network are going steady. better show them you’re mvp, brady. sometimes there’s a target on the replay. this is collinsworth: “tom brady is an absolute stud!” this drive seems like an important drive — the patriots down by twelve midway through the second quarter with an undefeated season hanging in the balance — but i just can’t care. what does it mean to go undefeated? what’s the significance of record breaking? brady tried to break the record throwing to a linebacker; right through vrabel’s hand. and there’s a penalty on vrabel. but it didn’t matter, touchdown maroney. i’m still not interested in this game.

email question to boller and booner: why is your email thing such a farce? here’s a previous email we sent: when you’re on the road, do the two of you get twins or share a queen. but the jazz fall apart in the last minute again.

now it’s tomorrow morning.  besides the jazz losing, i lost a bunch of points on my bowl picks with texas a and m’s loss.  but the patriots remain perfect, absolutely perfect as don shula or someone said on sportscenter.  one of the sportscenter hosts admitted to getting goose-bumps when bob greise said something about the 72 dolphins having been on this mountain top alone for 35 years but now having to move over to share that mountain top — the perfect football season mountain top — with this year’s patriots.  everyone was waxing poetic last night.  but i’m still struck by how much luck goes into a perfect season.  and i think it’s treadwell’s right to live and die with the bears.

speaking of bears, here are my top five records of the year: perfect pitch by panda bear, strawberry jam by animal collective, mirrored by battles, this bliss by pantha du prince and liars by liars.  records that almost made my top five? the new of montreal, caribou’s record (but their live show was terrible and costly to my hearing) and cryptograms by deerhunter.

That’s what I get

October 11, 2007 at 10:55 pm | Posted in clif, football (american), Uncategorized | 1 Comment


Through some sort of mind control – or, more sinsterly, the allure of fantasy points – I let slip my life-long disdain for the Dallas Cowboys this season. I’ve hated the Cowboys for as long as I can remember, and I had hated Tony Romo (thanks to the help of a faux Drew Bledsoe and his delightful blog) since he took the helm as their starting quarterback.

But when Mr. Underwood fell to me in the ninth round of the draft, it made perfect business sense to pick him, despite the protests of my heart. “I can have him on my team and still hate him,” I told myself, “No problem.”

But the folks at Cosmo were right: success is sexy.

That magnificent bastard started racking up points and my heart melted. I found myself swooning at his ample stats and saliviting at the sight of his oh-so-easy weekly matchups. I even found pleasure in seeing the Cowboys win; something I’d never done before. So, when I found myself down by 40-some points this week I couldn’t help but smile, for I still had my gallant gun-slinger and his trusty receiver on my bench. Forty points? A trifle.

I won’t recap last night’s game, but I will tell you this: with every Romo turnover, he removed a piece from the base of the Jenga tower of trust that we, together, had built. All that’s left now is dissappointed rubble further weighing down the loathing I had felt for so long.

So, I’d just like to say, thank you for the valuable lesson, Cowboys and R(H)omo, and go screw yourselves.

utah juniors #6

October 1, 2007 at 11:46 am | Posted in aaron d.w., football (american) | Leave a comment

this is pretty late and no longer interesting (if it ever was), but the only university of utah football game that i’ve been to in my whole life has been the best one this year — the one where they killed u.c.l.a.  every game fight has ever been to they’ve lost.  i don’t want to say that all the ones i’ve been to they’ve won because i’ve only been to one.  and most likely is doesn’t have any impact.

red_6.jpgso i got to the game and i was ready to be a pretty passive football fan.  i have a hard time getting really into sporting events unless ostertag is playing.  then i yell things like, “i love you, ostertag!!” when it’s quiet because he’s shooting free throws.  when i got there the marching band was playing and i was wishing that i’d gotten there later.  then they sang the national anthem and i really regretted not getting there later.  so during the national anthem one of the security guards (of sorts) came over and told the kid next to me to take his hat off.  the kid asked if he had to, and the security guy said that if he respected the flag he had to.  so the kid told the guard that his grandfather fought in world war 2 in order to insure that his grandkids could wear baseball caps whenever they want and to stop fascism like making people take hats off.  the security guy left pretty upset.  so during the 2nd quarter he got the mascot to come over and take off the kid’s hat and throw it to someone else in the crowd.  after his stunt he gave a thumbs up to the security guard and left.  i was getting pretty excited because i always have these sorts of face-offs with mascots and i thought it would soon lead to that.  instead, the kid next to me went to the head security office and reported the security guy.  five minutes later the guard was replaced and we didn’t see him anymore.  i wanted to give the mascot a thumbs up, but he didn’t look at me.

utah-juniors.jpgthe other best thing about the game is that i wore this shirt that i bought at the d.i. earlier in the week.  it’s red with the number 6 on front and back and on front it says utah juniors.  so i thought it would be funny to wear.  when i got there i borrowed a program from somebody and looked up #6 so i’d know who my favorite player obviously was.  turns out his name is mack.  i told my friend nathan that mack is my favorite player and  he informed me that #6 was the starting running back after the season-ending injury from two weeks before.  then as it happened, mack played really great and scored like 2 touchdowns or something.  every time he did something i pretended like he really was my favorite player and that i’d worn the shirt to support him.  i would hold up the number and jump around when he scored so the people around me would know that i knew all along that he’s a star.  it worked even better than i imagined and i soon became his #1 fan.  i was sort of the leader of all the mack fans.  at one point i started chanting “big mack, big mack” and the cheer caught on in the whole section around me.  and i was probably the only one there who thought the chant was more of a burn than anything.  but i pretended that i like big macs and #6 mack equally.

The weather is here. Wish you were warm.

September 29, 2007 at 5:10 am | Posted in football (american), lee | 2 Comments

Football has yet to impress me this year.

Let me be more specific: the NFL has yet to impress me this year.  College football has been okay to me, I guess.  I mean, the only game that has really EXCITED me was the Utah-UCLA game.  What the earth was that?  This week, things could change with games like California playing Oregon.

 But the NFL?  Kind of totally boring so far.  The only cool things that have happened have been the Eagles uniforms and the Raiders new coach (Kiffen) screwing the Browns with the same tactic that the Broncos screwed the Raiders with the week before.  It was like he was saying “F__k you, I’m 31” to the rest of the league.  It almost makes me want to not hate the Raiders more than any team besides the Cowboys.  I wonder if the Cowboys still like being America’s team.  It was cool in the 60s, 70s, 80s, and kind of the 90s, but right now, being America’s anything (besides “Idol”) is so uncool in America.  The only thing less hip to admit to being is a Republican.  Or a Bathroom Gay.

Then again, the only team it seems like I have seen play this year is the Broncos because of regional broadcasts.  Everytime I watch a Broncos game, I wish there was a place where fans in a specific market could vote for what game they want to see.  I was fine with seeing Jake Plummer play every week because he was my favorite player, but once Shannahan stopped playing him, the Broncos became irrelevent to my brain.  Cutler is cool, but not cool enough to make me watch them like Plummer was.

Now, I do admit that my enjoyment of football has declined by the year lately.  It is such a weird sport.  These coaches – who were the douchebags we hated in high school –  get their players to do these crazy things that ruin their bodies.  Then, the when the players retire they have the lasting effect of all the things they put their bodies through and they can hardly function physically.  They don’t even have guaranteed contracts.  Kind of messed up, dude.

it’ll be like watching a play except with the best robot actors you’ve ever seen

September 27, 2007 at 2:42 am | Posted in brian, football (american), technology | 6 Comments

ever wonder how tomlison throws so many touchdown passes? i mean, he’s gotta hold the all-time record for touchdowns thrown by a running-back. is he like the opposite of micheal vick and vince young? those guys are qbs who run like rbs while tomlinson is a rb who throws like a qb. or is he more like bellichick, employing the lastest football related technology to gain a completive advantage?

as you’ll see in the upcoming photo, tomlinson wears a dark visor. is it because he has sunglasses disease like jim mcmahon and bono? or is it so no one can see his eyes?

nearly every football team in the nfl runs this trick play were they pitch it to the rb who pretends to be involved in a normal running play only to then throw a pass to a (hopefully) open receiver. if your a safety on the opposing team respond to this play be reading the rb’s eyes. if he’s looking at his blockers, it’s probably a run; if he’s looking down field at a receiver, he’s probably going to pass. but when tomlison runs the play you have no idea where he’s looking. when you realize it’s a hb-pass it’s too late, tomlinson has already thrown a touchdown pass.

tomlinson, unlike bellichick employs legal technology to gain his advantage. the nfl can’t ban dark visors since there are a number of football players who suffer from sunglasses disease (also know as photophobia). so it looks like tomlinson’s advantage is here to stay. unless everyone in the nfl starts wearing dark visors. that would leve the playing field.

to be honest, i think it would be so cool if the entire nfl wore dark visors. the nfl already has the least identifiable players. everyone’s wearing tons of equipment and helmets with face masks you can barley see through already. so football players are already cyborgs. this visor not only levels the playing field, it removes the individual human. in the future, all major sports will probably be played by robots anyway, so the nfl might as well get a head start.

p.s. the eagles jerseys this week were probably the best sports jerseys i’ve ever seen in my life. the redskin’s jersey’s weren’t too bad either. unfortunately, both teams will go back to their boring uniforms. it’s like they give you a taste of how cool football could be and then take it away.

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