soccer, the way the pros play

November 21, 2007 at 12:41 am | Posted in aaron d.w., football (soccer) | Leave a comment

i recently bought this book at the library book sale and it’s changing the way i play and watch soccer. what i didn’t realize before i got the book is how soccer really is for everybody. the book includes pictures of “some of the smallest” players (kids), “passing by a girl,” and “a middle-aged man” just to show me how soccer is the sport that everyone can play. but the thing that really gave me some insight was the passage on a professional soccer player’s sex life. i hope it’s not illegal to post what it says verbatim; that is, i hope i don’t get caught if it is illegal. the book is called “soccer: the way the pros play” by robert herbin and j. ph. rethacker.

SEX LIFE

Free and liberated sex is in style today! We shall say a few words about it, even though we consider this problem to be a minor one. Yet it is undeniable that a harmonious and balanced sex life cannot help but improve the psychological stability of athletes, just as it does for other individuals.

It is also obvious that a soccer player whowishes to do well on the field and be helpful both to himself and his team cannot lead a loose and maladjusted life without risking the effectiveness of both his immediate and long-range performances. Neither will he choose the night before a match to prove his virility and demonstrate his amorous prowess. What really matters, in effect, is less the act itself than thte manner of perorming it and the context in which it is done. Suffice it to say that the expenditure of energy involved in a “classic” sexual act is minimal and should not in any way affect the performance on the field the next day. The criterion should be one’s common sense. At times a night begun this way can be beneficial, thanks to the relaxation it brings.

we can finally start speculating which players are continually proving their virility and which players just have “classic” sex. i think beckham gets too crazy the night before a game. that’s why he keeps getting injured.

Fantasy Sports for the Non-Sports-Enthusiast

August 7, 2007 at 2:57 pm | Posted in football (soccer), whitney | 3 Comments

My interest in real life sports was only developed fairly recently (directly coresponding to the creation of this blog probably), but my interest in fantasy sports has been around for a while. This season marks my first attempt to actually play fantasy soccer (football, futbol, the game of kings).

The most appealing part of playing fantasy sports to me is naming my team, because who doesn’t like to name things? I’ve got pets: Boris the Russian Dwarf Hampster, Fanny the Fish, and Jamocha Ali the Pug (hypothetical). Then there is the naming of future children: Little William Oliver and Cedar Lee Borup. And, of course, all of my inanimate possessions: Susan the Plant, Carl the Bear, and Billie Joe the Guitar (settle down, I was 14). I’m not especially happy with my fantasy soccer name (were I to start over, I would call them the Jamocha Alis), but at least minutes of joy/anxiety were put into deciding if Peaches was better than the Freedom Fighters (Freedom Fighters has probably been done a billion times…).

Then you get to design your own uniforms. While this is far less exciting than you might think, owing to the limitations on design (petition for uploading pictures of your own designs?), I think I ended up with a pretty good color scheme. At least everyone agrees that they’re way hip except this guy whose similarities in uniform choice might spark a feeling of jealous competition.

Picking your players is obviously the most challenging aspect of fantasy sports for the non-sports-enthusiast. I went through a variety of ways of picking and organizing my team. First, I went with names of people I’ve heard ranted and raved about on here and who I’ve actually seen play. This is how Drogba became my star forward. Next I went with names. Like, Tugay’s name was too good not to be on a team called Peaches sporting lavender outfits. Or Clichy is the name of my favorite metro stop in Paris (cocaine!). From there I went with hair. Most of the players on my team have really good hair:
Woodgate's Luscious Locks
When hair is becoming scarce, I go for foreign names and handsomeness:
Gilberto
(Gilberto has it all)

We’ll see how the team does come August 11th. To keep morale high, my current motto is “never say die” or, also: “never trade a team member.” I feel like this is a sign of a decent manager. Also, trading around and keeping track of fantasy rules seems boring. The best part is over, now I get to sit back and let my passive-competitive nature kick in.

write it on a postcard

August 1, 2007 at 12:52 am | Posted in brian, football (soccer) | 3 Comments

i once wrote a blog about hating the boring cheers at rsl soccer games, but i’ll tell you what rsl game feature i hate more: leo the lion. to be clear, i don’t hate the person behind the mascot, i just hate the persona. i mean, i already paid money to come watch a soccer game (except saturday i actually had free tickets thanks to kristen) so i don’t see why this guy has to run around in a lion suit accusing me of not cheering loud enough.

here you can find info about leo the lion who’s actual name is leonardo the lion. this name beat out names like richard s. lionheart (which i kind of like), great heart, lumumba, ole and kingsley (which, according to the montana state alumni association is actually my middle name; they even sent me address labels with my correct address and my new middle name). leo was born at arches national park and, since his name is leonardo, he’s a painter (but i couldn’t find any of his artwork online).

but here’s what the bio doesn’t tell you: leonarndo the lion is probably racist. during the halftime events (which haven’t evolved at all since last year), leo openly sabotaged the only hispanic kid competing. clif, who was sitting next to me, can confirm that leo made it impossible for the only non-white kid competing to win a giant bucket of kfc chicken.

and one time leo tried to fight my brother. last year we were at an rsl game and ended up sitting in the front row (since you can pretty much sit wherever you want at rsl games). in the second half, leo walked along the sideline in front of us trying to get us to cheer loud enough for a free t-shirt brought to us by zion’s bank. aaron yelled to leo, “you’re a disgrace to the lion family.” leo heard aaron and pointed at aaron while showing his teeth. aaron pointed right back while showing his teeth. the two of them exchanged finger points and teeth showing for at least an entire minute. it was a tense situation, but there was no real threat of violence. it was one of those status show downs which determine place within the pride where both parties understand that a real physical encounter would only leave both weak and vulnerable to the rest of the lions in the pride. we’ve all seen them on nature shows, but to see one out in the wild is truly remarkable.

good luck, okur

April 29, 2007 at 2:14 am | Posted in aaron d.w., football (soccer), misc | Leave a comment

brian wasn’t even lying when he told me that messi’s goal was like maradona. this video highlights that messi and maradona ran the same distance in the same amount of time and finished with the same move on the goalie.

also, it seems like a waste of time to try and beat out the whole country of china in telekinetic support. i want okur to be great, but i don’t think i can help.

and i saw my first episode of numb3rs last night. it was stupid. brian and i always used to joke that it’s my favorite show because i do math, but i’m going to have to officially put an end to that.

a century of (pilgrim’s) progress

April 27, 2007 at 11:18 pm | Posted in basketball, brian, football (soccer) | 1 Comment

memhet okur is struggling.  0 for 6 from the three-point line and 2 for 12 from the field doesn’t seem like a good offensive game.  and he’s been like this the entire playoff series. what’s the deal?  watching the game last night, i think we came up with an answer.

yao is the most popular basketball player in the world.  fight realized, and i agreed, that moneyball’s struggles are a direct result of all the negative energy coming from yao fans from around the world.  some of this negativity is active in the form of jinxes or hexes on okur; most of the negativity is passive resulting from the collective hope that yao will dominate his opponent.  okur understands that the yao fans aren’t hating on him personally, he just happens to be yao’s opponent.  but when all the fans of the world’s most popular player are against you, it’s gotta be difficult.  all this negativity, combined with nerves — this is okur’s first playoff run as an all-star — may be the cause of mehmet’s playoff struggles.  combine that with all the negativity of most jazz fans who, like larry miller, expect every jazz athlete to perform at their peak ability every minute of every night and are therefore prone to overreact to mild slumps.  jerry sloan doesn’t even expect that kind of performance from his players; he just expects them to play hard and not feel sorry for themselves when they do occasionally struggle.  how was okur supposed to overcome all this?

fight and i (and maybe dusty but not aaron) spent much of last night’s game sending encouraging messages to okur via esp.  while both aaron and fight doubt that we can overcome the negativity of all those yao fans, i disagree.  here’s why: (1) as stated before, most of the negativity is passive; (2) of the active variety, i would estimate that their are only ten people in the world sending okur negative messages via esp; and (3) all we really need to combat are those hater jazz fans and show okur definitively that there are jazz fans who will always believe in him and his shot.

did the esp work?  according to his shooting line, no. but if you watched the game, you saw a new okur in that second half.  one committed to defense knowing that his shot wasn’t there.  and it was the jazz’s defense that one the game last night.

i also tried to send positive messages to barbosa, but kobe was out of control last night.  even though the suns lost last night, i think everyone should agree that last nights game looked great (in that each team’s uniform complemented the other’s so well).

did you know that barbosa has a seven-foot wingspan?

and messi scored what has got to be the goal of the year.

super-striker, but not the mario game

March 23, 2007 at 1:06 am | Posted in aaron d.w., football (soccer) | 1 Comment

romariocalled one of the most prolific strikers by whoever wrote the wikipedia article, romario is still playing association football (soccer) for vasco de gama in his home country of brazil (or is it brasil?) at the age of 41. vasco de gama is also the team where he got his professional start in 1985. as a footballer in vasco’s league, the rio de janeiro state championship, romario won 4 state championships and won the scoring title 7 times. he went on to play dutch league soccer where he won 3 championships and 3 scoring titles in 3 years. in the copa america tournament, he led brazil to 2 victories with 2 scoring titles. he took brazil to the 1994 world cup and helped lead them to victory, being named the most valuable player. in the same year he won fifa player of the year. he was also the brazilian league’s top scorer 3 times and brazilian cup’s top scorer twice. his last scoring title was in 2005, which he won at the age of 39. also, he helped his brazilian team secure 3rd place in the fifa beach soccer world cup in 2005.

on the brazilian national team, he paired with ronaldo to be a super-scoring duo. in one game, they both recorded hat tricks to lead brazil to a 6-1 victory. supposedly this duo is affectionately called ro-ro but i feel everything besides affection when i hear (or read) that. diego maradona has said that romario would be on his all-time dream team — i imagine he would have romario play striker alongside maradona’s fist.

pretty good career. turns out it’s still going strong. romario is on the verge of scoring his 1000th goal. he has 998 and hopes to score 2 more in this weekend’s vasco-flamengo game. he thinks that would be special because pele scored his 1000th goal in the same stadium. (pele is the only soccer player known to score over 1000 goals — he has like 1260 or something.) there have been questions about whether romario’s count is accurate. for instance, he included goals from two brazilian championship games that were declared void, goals in matches that are said to never have occurred (which he later subtracted), goals in friendly matches between vasco and teams like “friends of aldair,” goals in festive matches like the one that feature the brazilian world cup team from ten years before versus a team of retired mexican professional footballers, and goals scored when he was a youth playing in youth leagues. apparently, 7 of the 998 goals were scored when he was 13 years old and playing in a kid’s league. other people think the number is less impressive because he joined some minor league teams in the united states and australia over the last few years to score more goals. according to some, 77 total goals were scored in youth leagues and 172 were scored in non-competitive games, leaving his number of goals in competitive club soccer or international soccer at 749.

in response to the criticism, romario says, “I’ve never hidden this. I never said that all those goals were scored in competitive or professional games. I’m also aware that some of the goals were scored in festive games. But I’ve scored them and I can prove it. These numbers are not mine, I never had the time to count them myself. The counting was done by professionals. If I’d counted them myself, there would be around 3,000.”

and i say, big deal if some weren’t professional games. he’s had a pretty impressive career. in dutch soccer he scored 30 goals in 33 matches. with miami fc he scored 18 goals in 22 matches. in world cup play he scored an amazing 55 goals in 70 matches. only pele and ronaldo (fat ronaldo) have scored more. 1000 is just a number anyways. the number isn’t the big deal. he just has a goal of scoring 1000 goals and he can count goals however he likes. they’ve all been in scored in soccer games. it’s not like he’s counting goals scored in his backyard by himself. so i hope he scores 2 goals this weekend and has a big party to celebrate his accomplishment.

former teammate claudio adao said, “It’s a joke. If I count the goals I scored before turning pro I would have 1,000 goals, too.” i doubt it, claudio. maybe if you didn’t spend your career injured.

on the topic of this weekend, romario has said, “I think that, with my history and for world of football itself, it would be a very proud moment for me and for everyone else if I could score the 1,000th goal on the same pitch where Pele scored his. To score a goal is special in any situation. To score the one thousandth goal against a traditional club such as Flamengo would be an honour.”

potpourri:is that a smell or a collection of things or maybe a collection of smells but sometimes it’s a category on the nintendo version jeopardy

November 23, 2006 at 1:45 pm | Posted in brian, football (soccer) | Leave a comment

bob costas is pleased to be back on the medium he started out on: radio. at least that’s what radio told me. and when i say radio told me i mean a commercial on the radio narrated by bob costas told me. after explaining how pleased he was to be back on the radio (and i wonder what exactly he meant by pleased–pleased as in it gives him pleasure, pleased that he’ll make a shitload of money for talking about nothing or pleased that he doesn’t have to comb his hair for work?), bob costas said how an unnamed we pondered over what to call his new radio show. before i drop the name (which, in this instance, is different from name-dropping), i want to ponder over who this unnamed we could include and wonder why bob costas would say this unnamed we pondered. bob costas is probably a part of this we, but who else? his producer? his barber? dan marino? espn radio? and what weren’t just thinking about a name but pondering. maybe ponder is a loaded word for me. i guess joseph smith pondered and that’s the main reason i was born in utah and possibly the main reason i was born at all. that’s something i should ponder about. i seriously doubt they (bob costas and whoever) pondered. the name they came up with? bob costas on the radio. is that a joke?

here’s the best goal i’ve seen this year:


don’t forget that chelsea was down 2-1 in extra time when he scored this goal. drogba scored the first goal.

speaking of drogba, there’s this guy on youtube who posts like every drogba goal. sometimes he compiles drogba highlights into a kind of drogba mixtape. that’s cool. but what’s cooler? the music he chooses for this drogba mixtape:


because pusher and malice are twins, i can never tell their verses apart. but they’re awesome. and don’t sleep on pharrell.

in soccer, a pitch is what they call the field

October 27, 2006 at 9:41 am | Posted in brian, football (soccer) | 3 Comments

i saw this movie called fever pitch. clif told me he read the book the movie is based on. the book is a memoir about being an arsenal fan. clif said the book is good and bears no resemblance to the movie. the movie was terrible. so terrible it was actually pretty funny. hopefully no one saw it, so i’ll fill you in on the details. jimmy fallon is a die hard red sox fan. his uncle used to take him to games at fenway park. then his uncle died and jimmy inherited season tickets. so his life is all about the red sox and these kids he teaches at school. then he falls in love in the off-season. you see where this is going. jimmy’s love of the red sox interferes with his love of this girl. they kind of break-up and jimmy decides to sell his season tickets to some asshole. but drew barrymore (his ex-girlfriend) can’t let that happen so she scalps some tickets and runs onto the field at fenway to stop him. the night she runs onto the field? the fourth game of the alcs where the red sox come back against the yankees and eventually win the series. the point? jimmy and drew’s love is the reason the red sox win the series.

i seriously doubted the point of the movie. how do our baseball-related actions have any effect on the outcome of baseball games? but then i realized which two teams are playing in the world series.

at the beginning of last summer i needed a new baseball cap. i was at target and noticed they had all these mlb caps that were the style i like–simple, adjustable and fits the shape of your head. and they were only like ten dollars. so i bought a detroit tigers hat. not because i like the tigers, but because their hat is blue and not the yankees or red sox. aaron really liked my hat, so he went to target to buy one. he chose the cardinals because their hat was blue and not the yankees or red sox. and what two teams are in the world series? the detriot tigers and the st. louis cardinals.

better than that one italian goal

September 18, 2006 at 1:30 pm | Posted in aaron d.w., fespn, football (soccer) | 3 Comments

i don’t have the fox soccer channel anymore. i could go up to brian’s during the summer and watch it whenever i wanted, but premiership hadn’t even started yet. so i watched re-runs of games while i could and now that it started, i can’t watch a thing. i can only keep track of the live scoring on the bbc’s premiership webpage.

coolest player ever didier drogbaso you can imagine how excited i got when i saw thatdidier drogba had scored a goal against liverpool. and not just because he’s the captain of my fantasy team and i get double points when he scores. i got excited because he’s my favorite player in unamerican football. he’s even the wallpaper on my computer — ask anybody. anyways, i was glad that he scored but i was curious how it happened. then brian called. he told me that it was maybe the goal of the year. so i found a video of it on youtube.

this morning i got online to read about soccer. to my surprise, there was a yahoo article on the chelsea-liverpool game. surprised because they provide almost as bad of coverage of premiership football as espn. so i started reading the article. it started out fine, talking about the goal: “The Ivory Coast striker settled a long ball from Frank Lampard in the 42nd minute, then swirled and drove a shot past Liverpool goalkeeper Pepe Reina.” but then i got to the third paragraph and stopped reading. “[tiger] Woods led the cheers from a front-row seat at Chelsea’s Stamford Bridge stadium.” who the eff cares if tiger stupid woods was at the game? how is that a key-point of the match? how does tiger woods cheering matter in any way? and who cares if he’s bff with shevchenko? i don’t. because i think shevchenko is a ball-hog. tiger probably would be one too, if he played soccer (not that he could last 8 minutes, but they’d be 8 minutes with zero passes). so i’m glad they’re best friends. anyways, is that the only reason that yahoo did an article on the game? because idiot-face tiger being at the game makes it news worthy? that is so ridiculous. i hate yahoo sports and i hate tiger woods.

maybe that’s the only reason that yahoo even (sort of) covered the us open. nike must’ve told them that they were planning a promotion for the final where tiger would attend and cheer for whoever else was sponsored by nike (most likely federer). i watched the final and it was sweet. but i kept throwing up in my mouth because the one announcer (not mcenroe) kept talking about tiger woods the whole time. about how he and roger federer have so much respect for each other because they’re both dominating their sports and how it was federer’s dream to meet tiger woods and how when they met it was like they finally found someone who understood what it’s like to be at the top and how they’re probably going to be penpals and best friends. who cares about tiger woods? seriously. i’m glad he lost last week. it makes me happy. i like it whenever he loses. that’s the difference between him and federer. roger doesn’t ever lose. so if anyone was dying to meet anyone, it was tiger dying to meet federer. because he’s way cool and way good and who wouldn’t want to meet him. so tiger probably went to nike and told them that he’d give them all hand jobs if they arranged a meeting. and the people at nike probably accepted and decided that it would be a fantastic marketing stunt. so they pressured federer into meeting with tiger before the championship and they paid off abc so that they’d show as many close-ups of tiger woods as they did of roger federer. p.s. nice hat, idiot.

tiger idiot-face woodsthat’s why i wish andy roddick had won. because he would never agree to something like that and mandy moore would never let him. not that i blame federer. just that i blame nike for ruining sports and tiger for ruining my life. and i blame yahoo for only liking american sports. if you’re going to cover a soccer game, yahoo, do it because drogba scored the sweetest goal ever. don’t do it because your boyfriend tiger woods happened to be at the stadium.

It’s All Over When the Fat Lady Freaks Out

September 11, 2006 at 9:24 am | Posted in football (soccer), whitney | 3 Comments

I went to another sibling’s soccer game. It was a while ago, but I took good notes (much to my own detriment, because I ended up getting hit in the face with the ball. What can I say, I’m dedicated to This Guy…play it cool…).

I noticed the major difference between male and female sports (at least at this young age) is the vernacular. The word “sorry” seems to come up a lot more in girls’ peewee. For example, “Sorry! I missed the ball!” or “Sorry! You were going for that, but then I got in your way and we ended up colliding!” or “Sorry, other team! I took the ball away from you and I knew you were so excited to make that winning goal! I’m sorry to ruin your day and possibly your entire life!” I fear for these girls. Compared to the boys’ frequent use of “Come ON!”s instead of displaying any sort of sympathy to their teammates’ feelings, I think the girls might suffer from low self-esteem and will definitely suffer in the workplace.

Another major difference between boys and girls soccer is their use of their bodies. Girls seem to be much more hesitant. This might have something to do with how apologetic they are to get in the way, but it also has to do with being terrified of the ball. I honestly saw someone duck under the ball instead of head it. A few girls turned their back on it and get a ball to the butt. Butting the ball, as you can imagine, gives you much less control than kneeing/heading/chesting/etc. Your 13-year-old butt, with all its unexpected and unfortunate curves, is far less predictable.

My favorite (for writing purposes) and most detested (for human purposes) fan at this game was a lady sitting on one of those tiny lawn chairs that lazy people bring with them when they know they have to wait in a long line. And…I don’t know how, or want, to put this delicately….she was fat. Like, way huge. Like, overwhelmingly obese. And she was sitting on the sidelines screaming at everyone. She screamed at the players – “GET TO THAT BALL! DON’T BE A SISSY!” – she screamed at the fans – “GET YOUR CHILD OFF THE FIELD!” – and she screamed at the ref – “HOLY CRAP! WHO’S PAYING YOUR SALARY? GIVE ME A BREAK!”. [all direct quotes] Again, this woman didn’t appear to have a child on the team. Later my sister informed me that she was indeed related to a player, but said player wasn’t there that day and the woman came anyway. She’s their number one fan that they all wish they didn’t have (including, I’m sure, her daughter). She made me pray (literally. I prayed to God) for a win with good calls so we didn’t have to see her horrible overreaction at the end. She was one of those people that always make remarks under her breath and then turns to you like you should respond but you ignore her completely so she just repeats the remarks louder. Luckily, she finally found a comrade to talk to. A man that looked like the boss from the British Office and was always cracking stupid jokes. Fat lady would say something about the ref and Office guy would make a joke. They made a great team.

“We” (Eagles) lost. Fat lady kicked her chair and stormed off.

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