this person knows what i’m talking about

football is exciting

i’ve been watching sunday night football for twenty minutes and have seen closes-ups of cheerleader’s breasts twice. like close-up close-ups. but football is hyper-sexual.

sunday night football is sexy

i’m not a scientist, but i’ve read books written by people who claim to be. so this is how i see it: football probably isn’t that different than mating rituals that like every other species that reproduces sexually. for humans, because we’re a group species, it’s a contest of smarts and strength that helps determine the status of the different members of the group except also the status of particular groups relative to one another.

but it’s more complicated than that. there’s the commercialization of the game which then plays into status markers unlike anything i see in the rest of the natural world. in many social circles, football knowledge, fandom and/or the purchase of football apparel (i just saw that commercial where they show some ideal steelers fan’s living room and it’s decorated with steelers everything – framed steelers jerseys, steelers throw pillows, steelers chair, steelers telephone) are important markers of male-dominance. (they just showed another close-up of a cheerleader’s breasts.) but i’m not sure how well football-watching status translates into an increase of mating opportunities.

i remember monday night football—all that butt-slapping really messed me up

but the sexuality of football is ambiguous. or maybe i mean androgynous.

a picture is a fact

there was a saturday day last week.  during the late afternoon, i flipped through some college football games but all i could find were commercials.  4 games were on, but they were only showing commercials.  at that moment, i felt like i should give up on professional sports.  which would also mean giving up on this sports blog.

i mean, i could write blogs defending josh howard’s pot-smoking and his refusal to support the national anthem.  or on how ridiculous the criticism of vince young is given that all he does is win football games.  and maybe i should.  or should have.  both those stories are already a month old and forgotten about.  or remembered only in the negative.

the truth is, professional sports have started to depress the hell out of me.  so instead, i’m going to write about my near-death experience.

we picture facts to ourselves

clif has an extra ticket for the utah/oregon state game which he passes on to me.  the game starts at 7 and i dont get off work until 7; i arrive late and by myself.  i take the train up to the stadium.  due to malfunctions, the train ride takes 45 instead of 15 minutes.  while our train is stopped, someone starts talking about the football game most of us are on our way to.  he is roughly my age but twice my size.  maybe he use to play football for utah.  he looks like brian urlacher, or that guy in those 50s war movies that looks like brian urlacher.  and he has an intimidating voice.

-are we waiting to get off the train to raise the flag for utah?

i dont understand what he means.  what flag?  a symbolic one?

-do you bleed red?  do you believe in red?

this question he asks repeatedly to different people on the train.  i bury my head in my book hoping that he  avoids asking me that question.  i mean, do i believe in red?  would he and i even have the same definition of red?

we cannot give a sign the wrong sense

i finally make it to the stadium.  there are people in red everywhere.  do they all believe in red?  i make my way to the section that corresponds with the number on my ticket.  i’m nervous walk up the stairs to my seat by myself.  i grab a hot-dog instead.  i can’t believe how many people are here.  i’m anxious and eat my hot-dog faster than i should.  then i realize i cant breathe.  it’s just like in field of dreams.  i look around for some ghost — some dead former football player who gave up his career to be a pediatrician but misses football so badly he haunts the stadium — to materialize and give me the heimlich maneuver.  i mean,  abdominal thrusts.  wait.  first i need to make sure i’m choking enough to require abdominal thrusts.  what are the steps to dealing with choking?  encourage the victim (that’s a loaded word) to cough.  so cough.  i’m trying, i tell myself, but it’s not helping.  no.  don’t panic.  are you breathing at all?  i try breathing.  am i breathing?  maybe?  it’s too hard to tell.  focus.  try to take a breath.  are you breathing?  barely, but i doubt i’ll be breathing much longer.  i look around at all of the people in red.  should i ask one of them to give me abdominal thrusts?  is this how i die?  not in a car-crash, but near the concession stand at a university of utah football game with a piece of hot-dog stuck in my throat?  wait, can’t i do abdominal thrusts on myself?  just listen.  try coughing.  if that doesn’t work then we can move on to abdominal thrusts.  i never imagined this would be the way i died but i’m sure everyone who dies thinks the same thing. i turn to the garbage can i’m next to and give coughing one last try and just like in field of dreams i cough out the piece of hot-dog stuck in my throat.  there are people everywhere, but i dont think anyone noticed i almost died.

logic must look after itself

the football game was amazing.  utah, with their perfect record on the line, goes down by 8 with 2 minutes remaining.  their offense has looked out of sorts all second half.  four plays later they’re in the endzone. the two point conversion is good and the game is tied.  oregon state gets the ball back but goes three and out.  they punt and utah has less than 30 seconds to move 20 plus yards for a chance to win the game on a field goal.  i dont remember all the plays on that last drive.  i think they throw to the sideline for a 5 yard gain.  then johnson scrabbles out of the pocket and drops it off to one of the running backs for a first down.  the next play they throw down the middle for 15 or 20 yards.  they run the ball to the right hash-mark and call time-out with 1 second left.  louie sakoda nails the 30 something yard kick to win the game at the end of regulation.

on the drive home i’m greg reminds me that this one radio station here played louie, louie for two straight weeks.  that may be one of the best songs ever.